Should I Stay or Should I Go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
8
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:31pm
My husband and I have been together for 6 years (married for 5). For the last 2 years, he and I have grown apart...we have lost our connection and I feel more like his mother and his sister rather than his wife. We have been in marriage counseling for the last year, and the day-to-day and communication problems have been solved, but the connection is still not there. I am a hopeless romantic, but that part of me has shriveled up in the past few years. My husband finally realized this a few weeks ago, and has been trying to be more romantic and loving, but I am not sure if it is too little, too late. I realized how far down I had gone emotionally (lost my "spark" for life) after an old friend from out of town and I met up and old feelings rekindled. I had forgotten how good it felt to be wanted and feel connected. Nothing happened between the friend and myself, but he has been on my mind for the last few weeks. I am so confused as to what I should do. I have not been in contact with my (ex?) friend since I told my husband about my confusion. I have been trying to reconnect with my husband, but I feel like part of my heart has been taken, and also I fear that things will go back to the same old rut after this "crisis" has passed. My husband is a wonderful man...very supportive and kind and all other parts of our relationship are great...I just feel a huge, gaping hole where the romance and connection should be. We don't have any children, but we have a house and all that, and it would be very difficult to split. My husband has been my best friend for a long time, and I cannot imagine life without being able to talk to him...but I also know I can't live my life the way it has been going. Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 1:25am
ever hear of the "7-Year-Itch?"

not the movie....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 4:36am

I think you need to really put your mind (and soul) into fixing the marriage. give it one more try. its not easy, it sounds like you are thinking "well, were was H when *I* wanted to fix things". point is - he is here NOW. its VERY easy to fall for an old EX. but marriage takes a serious comittment -from BOTH OF YOU.


talk to your H. tell him what you need. if necessary, go back to therapy. go out on dates. go on a romantic weekend. talk. go for long walks. you be the romantic - buy him little gifts, send him flowers, and so on.


DON'T break up your marriage for the memories of an EX. if the marriage is really over, make sure you are leaving for the right reasons. ex's often sound better than our spouses. somehow we only remember the good times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:12am

As important I think it is to try to work things out with your husband and give things a fair shot, I also understand and know that its also an invaluable virtue to have the ability to recognize when there is nothing left to try to fix anyways. Im not saying that this is your case, but just that its ok to try and accept or realize that things cannot be worked out. You are entitled to feel loved and wanted, not in a family sort of way, but the romantic way you were talking about.Its not common nor is it normal to feel like you are married to your brother. I also think that when you are feeling like something is missing in your marriage, that its common to think that

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 6:53pm
Thanks, everyone. I have decided to give it another shot...I've broken all contact with the other guy (he was never an ex-boyfriend, but now I guess he is an ex-friend). My husband and I spent some time apart this month, and we both realized that we could live apart from each other. He missed me a lot more than I missed him, and there is still nothing there for me when we kiss, but I want to give it some more time. As I said, he is my best friend, and I wish there was some way to stay friends if it doesn't work out, but I know that's impossible. Wish me luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 12:59am
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

do the exercises in these books, it's worth it.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 8:50pm
Another update...the last month and a half have been sheer hell. My husband has had severe mood swings 3 to 4 times a day, every day. He constantly wants to rehash our problems, the past, the friend, etc. We went back to our counselor individually b/c I was SO ready to walk out! She told him he needed to get his emotions under control and that he was pretty much acting at a 13-year old emotional level. I pretty much vented and realized I was not just hurt, but extremely angry with him. So then a week ago he did a COMPLETE 180 and became overly attentive...cards, flowers, rose petals on the bed, bubble baths, phone calls at work...every day! It feels like so much pressure.

Plus, he has constantly been saying things like "I can't blame you if you don't fall in love with me again," "Maybe you'd be happier with (friend), and I should be an *%!hole so that you can leave me and your conscience will be clear," and "When you find that right guy for you, promise me you'll invite me to the wedding," and "I was such a horrible husband, no wonder you fell out of love with me." And so on and so on and so on. I can't take it! We had a couples counseling session today, and the counselor said to him "You need to stop that sh%#!" I told him I feel that I am moving farther and farther away from him b/c I don't know who the real him is. This is the husband who desperately wants to hold onto the marriage, not the husband himself. I don't even know who that person is anymore. And it feels more like desperation than love on his part.

A large part of me wants to just walk away and start over. It feels like if I did, I would be free...free is the word that keeps coming to mind. The counselor thinks I should give him more time to stabilize...but how much time? And how many times can I stick my heart out just to have it crushed? My husband is a wonderful person with lots of great qualities, and is still my best friend, but has only progressed to about a 15-year old emotional level. I can't figure out what I want and do what I need to do when I have to contend with his subconscious guilt trips, deal with his constant need to rehash the whole situation, support him in his trying to get a handle on his emotions AND try to help re-build his self esteem. I am not that strong of a person. So much of me wants to leave...I am probably 3/4 of the way there. But I still feel it would be unfair to my husband to not give it and him a shot if he can become more emotionally stabilized.

He is a recovering alcoholic (has not had a drink in over a year except for 2 beers in December when he was in a down swing), and has an addictive personality w/little control over his emotions. So do I abandon him in his need for my selfish need to be released from some of this responsibility and start over again? Or do I stay and try to help find the real person inside my husband to see if I can fall back in love with him? And if so, how long should I wait and suffer? He does not mean me any harm, but I have been so unhappy. I don't expect relationships to be fairy-tale stress-free and happy, but love shouldn't be THIS hard for THIS long and hurt THIS much. Or am I wrong?

Sorry for the length of this message...too much has been going on lately. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 12:00am
this is very strange to hear this just after I just typed my first message. You see my husband of 15 years has suddenly told me that he has lost his feelings for me. So I am sort of on the other side of the coin so to speak. And you are right I too want to always talk about US an he is not a fan of talking so I know it makes him very unconfortable when I try. Things have been up and down alot only because he doesn't talk about what he is feeling. And I get confused about where we stand. There is another women in the picture he tells me they are "Just Friends" but he talks to her on his cell pjone at least 80 90 times a month. I am devistated We had a good marriage as far as I knew it for 15 years.He just started talking to her about five months ago and he told me he was suddenly unhappy three months ago. I really don't believe he has had sex with this women but I do believe It is an emotional affair which is just as damageing. anyway maybe you could explain what happens when "you loose feelings for someone" how he could make it better? my husband too says he is confused and feels empty inside. One moment he says he wants to try and the next he says It' just not there when he kisses me or trys to say I love you. Maybe you could help me understand how to not push him away even more. I haven't been very good at hiding my feelings I tell him I love him and he says that when I say that it makes him unconfortable because he thinks I just want him to say I love you too and he doesn"t feel that way anymore. I know how your husband feels it can be devistating but I also know that divorce is not an easy road. you will never be friends the hurt is too great. I only wish you the best and I hope you both find your way back to each other. If there is a slim chance to make it work try. My husband says he wants to try but I'm not so sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 6:47pm
I am sorry to hear about your difficulties, too. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot of good advice I can give...my husband has finally started to even out emotionally (the last 4 days, at least), but I still don't know if I can get those feelings back. It sounds like our situations are somewhat similar, but again very different. I have not had any contact with my ex-friend since all this happened...the fact that your husband is still in contact with this other woman is not a positive sign. Also, my husband took this EXTREMELY badly...kind of like a 13-year old emotional level with swings you wouldn't believe...our marriage counselor (seeing her for over a year) gave us less than a month if he kept that up. Then he did a 180 to Mr. Romantic-I Want To Save This Marriage, which wasn't really him, either, and made me feel pressured and guilty. The best thing for us so far is that the counselor is finally getting it through to him that he needs to find some kind of balance within himself before we can work on the marriage in any significant way. Are you seeing a counselor (together or separately)? That would be my best suggestion...often, an impartial third party can shed a lot of light on the workings and difficulties of relationships. Otherwise, don't hide your feelings--it's not true to yourself, but try not to act on them every time you feel them. In other words, balance. If you don't seek outside help, I don't see this going much further. It sounds like us...we were going down the same roads over and over again, getting nowhere, until our counselor helped show one or the other of us that we had choices on how to act and react. I know it sounds trite, but time will tell. Until then, get as much support and help as you can, and if you and he truly want to work it out, try marriage counseling. Good luck to you, too.

Mel