Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Find a Conversation
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
| Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:31pm |
My husband and I have been together for 6 years (married for 5). For the last 2 years, he and I have grown apart...we have lost our connection and I feel more like his mother and his sister rather than his wife. We have been in marriage counseling for the last year, and the day-to-day and communication problems have been solved, but the connection is still not there. I am a hopeless romantic, but that part of me has shriveled up in the past few years. My husband finally realized this a few weeks ago, and has been trying to be more romantic and loving, but I am not sure if it is too little, too late. I realized how far down I had gone emotionally (lost my "spark" for life) after an old friend from out of town and I met up and old feelings rekindled. I had forgotten how good it felt to be wanted and feel connected. Nothing happened between the friend and myself, but he has been on my mind for the last few weeks. I am so confused as to what I should do. I have not been in contact with my (ex?) friend since I told my husband about my confusion. I have been trying to reconnect with my husband, but I feel like part of my heart has been taken, and also I fear that things will go back to the same old rut after this "crisis" has passed. My husband is a wonderful man...very supportive and kind and all other parts of our relationship are great...I just feel a huge, gaping hole where the romance and connection should be. We don't have any children, but we have a house and all that, and it would be very difficult to split. My husband has been my best friend for a long time, and I cannot imagine life without being able to talk to him...but I also know I can't live my life the way it has been going. Please help!

not the movie....
I think you need to really put your mind (and soul) into fixing the marriage. give it one more try. its not easy, it sounds like you are thinking "well, were was H when *I* wanted to fix things". point is - he is here NOW. its VERY easy to fall for an old EX. but marriage takes a serious comittment -from BOTH OF YOU.
talk to your H. tell him what you need. if necessary, go back to therapy. go out on dates. go on a romantic weekend. talk. go for long walks. you be the romantic - buy him little gifts, send him flowers, and so on.
DON'T break up your marriage for the memories of an EX. if the marriage is really over, make sure you are leaving for the right reasons. ex's often sound better than our spouses. somehow we only remember the good times.
As important I think it is to try to work things out with your husband and give things a fair shot, I also understand and know that its also an invaluable virtue to have the ability to recognize when there is nothing left to try to fix anyways. Im not saying that this is your case, but just that its ok to try and accept or realize that things cannot be worked out. You are entitled to feel loved and wanted, not in a family sort of way, but the romantic way you were talking about.Its not common nor is it normal to feel like you are married to your brother. I also think that when you are feeling like something is missing in your marriage, that its common to think that
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
do the exercises in these books, it's worth it.
Carrie
Plus, he has constantly been saying things like "I can't blame you if you don't fall in love with me again," "Maybe you'd be happier with (friend), and I should be an *%!hole so that you can leave me and your conscience will be clear," and "When you find that right guy for you, promise me you'll invite me to the wedding," and "I was such a horrible husband, no wonder you fell out of love with me." And so on and so on and so on. I can't take it! We had a couples counseling session today, and the counselor said to him "You need to stop that sh%#!" I told him I feel that I am moving farther and farther away from him b/c I don't know who the real him is. This is the husband who desperately wants to hold onto the marriage, not the husband himself. I don't even know who that person is anymore. And it feels more like desperation than love on his part.
A large part of me wants to just walk away and start over. It feels like if I did, I would be free...free is the word that keeps coming to mind. The counselor thinks I should give him more time to stabilize...but how much time? And how many times can I stick my heart out just to have it crushed? My husband is a wonderful person with lots of great qualities, and is still my best friend, but has only progressed to about a 15-year old emotional level. I can't figure out what I want and do what I need to do when I have to contend with his subconscious guilt trips, deal with his constant need to rehash the whole situation, support him in his trying to get a handle on his emotions AND try to help re-build his self esteem. I am not that strong of a person. So much of me wants to leave...I am probably 3/4 of the way there. But I still feel it would be unfair to my husband to not give it and him a shot if he can become more emotionally stabilized.
He is a recovering alcoholic (has not had a drink in over a year except for 2 beers in December when he was in a down swing), and has an addictive personality w/little control over his emotions. So do I abandon him in his need for my selfish need to be released from some of this responsibility and start over again? Or do I stay and try to help find the real person inside my husband to see if I can fall back in love with him? And if so, how long should I wait and suffer? He does not mean me any harm, but I have been so unhappy. I don't expect relationships to be fairy-tale stress-free and happy, but love shouldn't be THIS hard for THIS long and hurt THIS much. Or am I wrong?
Sorry for the length of this message...too much has been going on lately. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thanks for listening!
Mel