Ex girlfriend and baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Ex girlfriend and baby
11
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 12:54pm
My boyfriend has this ex girlfriend that he dated for two years. When they first met, she had a daughter that was 3 months old. They started dating for whatever reason, and they moved in together about a year afterwards because she couldn't afford to take care of her daughter after a divorce. Well, she controlled my boyfriend because really all she wanted was someone to spend all of their time taking care of her and the baby. She followed him around to see that he wasnt going out with his friends and would wait on him to get off work every night. He said he tried to love her but he couldn't, and the only reason he stayed with her was because he felt sorry for her and couldn't walk away from all the time he has devoted to taking care of her baby. Well, about a year after they moved in, she asked him to chose between school and her. He had worked three jobs to support her and was going to school to make things better for the three of them. That wasn't good enough for her. So, he chose school, and left her. They haven't spoken since that day. He says he doesn't miss her and he doesn't think about her, and although he missed the little girl at one time, that he doesn't miss being a part of that situation and he regrets ever getting involved and wasting his time. He said he began to see how she was after he left her, that he began to see things that he didn;t see when they were together.

I have tried and tried to not think about this whole past relationship but it still bothers me. How can you stay with someone that you don't love for two years? How can you continue to give and give for a child that is not yours only to be told to sleep on the couch when you bought the bed???

Now we are living together and I feel as though he is the one, and what bothers me is that if we have children, it will not be as new to him as it will be to me. And that bugs me. I just cant get this out of my head. It pops up and I rake him over the coals for it until I am blue in the face. I know that he doesn't miss that at all, and that he doesn't think about it, but I still can't let it go. Am I being selfish or am I jealous that I am just another girl he is going to move in with?

Please help me. I need somebody to say the right thing to help me stop dwelling on this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 2:03pm
Hi! I normally don't reply here but reading your post made me want to. I think you need to just get over it. This was all before the two of you got together right? Was it before you even met him? If so, than it shouldn't be a problem. You see people are always different from you and they will do things differently then you do. Maybe you have a problem with taking care of someone elses child but not all people are like you. He obviously has no problem with it. And the thing about him not being new to the situation when you two have kids, that shouldn't matter. If anything he will bring valuable experience that you both will definately need. I mean if he had a child of his own before he met you with someone else would you not have given him the time of day or not love him because he already knows how it is to have a child? It just seems petty to me and if you really love him it shouldn't matter.

It reminds me of me and my husband. He told me about him and his ex before me and they have a daughter together. He told me how he met her and slept with her on their first date. That really disturbed me for awhile because I couldn't believe he would do that but, I got over it really quick because that was his past, before me, and not everyone has the same experiences that I do. He is with me now and thats all that mattered. And the experience that he brought to the table when we had our son really helped. Good luck and I hope you can work things out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 2:23pm
I know what you mean. But just getting over it is harder than it seems. Honestly, to answer your question, no, I wouldn't even have given him the time of day if he had a kid. Thats just the plain and simple truth. I don't want to be with someone who is constantly going to have to let an ex be a part of our lives. And I don't think its wrong to want to want someone who doesn't already have children.

As far as this valuable experience that you say he could bring to the table, thats exactly what I don't want. Don't you get that I want the person I am with to be as ignorant as me so we can learn together? Thats what marriage is all about. New experiences, new choices, things you decide TOGETHER.

I really do respect your opinion. Its just harder for me to get over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 2:36pm
'Don't you get that I want the person I am with to be as ignorant as me so we can learn together? Thats what marriage is all about. New experiences, new choices, things you decide TOGETHER. '

Do you really believe that decisions will be made in regards to your baby only based on his experience with an ex's child? Do you believe that is good to be ignorant about all decisions in a marriage? What about finances, buying a house, and other major decisions? You don't want one of you to be educated about these things (all of that comes from previous experiences).

If you believe that the basis of marriage is new experiences before trust, faith, and loving someone for who they are today (which includes all the experiences and upbringing that made them who they are) then you need to reevaluate what and who you want in your life.

I think the bottom line is that you need to get to the heart of the real issue here. What is it? Jealousy? A fear that he will eventually give up on you like he did to her regardless of how dysfunctional that situation was?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 2:49pm
Maybe I am a little jealous. I have never lived with anyone before, never taken on something as big as taking care of anyone elses child. Because I never would. Honestly, I know I should get over it but I know there is going to come a time where I am not going to know what to do about raising a kid and he will and its going to make me mad. I know thats selfish and stupid but I was hoping someone on these boards could give me some hope instead of telling me that its all my problem.

I want to stop thinking about it. I want to accept it. I want to make peace with things I cannot change. I really do. But take this for example. Its almost like being a virgin. You want someone who is one also, because you have made the choice to wait and you want someone who thinks that is important as well. I don';t want someone just like me, but I want someone who has similar values and wants. I don't want my boyfriend to want to have children because he took care of this girl. I want him to have children because WE want it. Thats all I am trying to explain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 3:09pm
Are right then. Well if those things are so important to you then why are you with him??

To me you just anwered your own question. If you are having such a hard time dealing with this and don't want a man with this experience than its time for you to move on. I'm sorry, I was just under the impression that you were really in love with this man are were willing to accept him as he is no matter if you like that part of him or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 3:20pm
I totally agree with what you said to her. I think marriage is about making decisions together and it doesn't matter who has experiences with what. My husband is alot older than me and I'm happy for all the knowledge he has about things that help when we make a decision TOGETHER. I'm not trying to say thats its her problem but it just seems odd to fault him and put them through hell for something he did in the past when she wasn't around. Its ok to want someone who has no kids from before and thats totally her preference but, nobody's perfect and if she wants someone with the same values as her than she needs to find someone else.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 11:18am
I think it boils down to jealousy. It was not his child and believe me, that makes a difference. I got all my child-rearing education from helping to take care of my sister who is 17 years younger than me. I think if your bf had a sister 17 years younger than him, you'd probably find it sweet and endearing that he helped raise her - not jealous that he has previous experience that you don't have. Would it bother you if he lived with his aunt and helped care for his baby niece for a few years? I think not.

The bottom line here is that he does not have a daugher without you. He helped take care of HER child, but it was HER child, not his. And by the sounds of it, she is the one who made the decisions, not made them together.

You can't make his past go away. So I think you need to concentrate on the fact that he is with YOU now and not her. He is with you for a reason. Does it maybe bother you that he lived with her and didn't love her because you think maybe he doesn't really love you?

I also think that people seem to saying this is your problem to overcome, because it pretty much is. There is absolutely nothing your bf can do to change this situation. The only thing you can do is maybe talk it out with him, and if you find yourself obsessing about this for any length of time, talk to a professional.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 3:45pm
"I know there is going to come a time where I am not going to know what to do about raising a kid and he will and its going to make me mad." Oh my. I don't think you will ever be ready to have children with any man unless you come to think very differently about raising children. The welfare of your child should be your highest priority, and that means you should be sincerely THANKFUL if your husband knows what to do when you don't.

The fact that you can only imagine feelings of anger should that occur indicates that you are immature, self-centered, and in no way ready for parenthood, which requires a selfless attitude. Sorry to be harsh, but I think you should gain some experience in child care to gain a better perspective. Volunteer in a child care program of some sort, babysit for friends or family, take a course in child development, etc., but do SOMETHING to get a clue about the realities of child rearing. That would do three things for you: 1) You'll gain the child care knowledge and experience you lack and that will make you feel less insecure about it, 2) You'll be better prepared to be a good parent, and 3) You'll come to appreciate how special your guy really is, because he is deserving of great respect and admiration for the efforts he made with his ex and her child, not the opposite!

Preferring that both you and your mate be ignorant of such matters is beyond understanding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 4:50pm
I'd like to add a few scenarios for you to really think about.

1) Your baby chokes on a foreign object. You don't know what to do, but your husband does and saves your child's life. Would that make you angry? Or - Your baby chokes on a foreign object. You don't know what to do and neither does your husband. Your baby dies. Would you be glad of your mutual ignorance?

2) Your child comes home from pre-school in tears. She can't tell you what's wrong and you don't know what questions to ask her, or how to approach the problem. Your husband knows and asks your child a question that elicits the response that an older child touched her privates. Would that make you angry at him, or would you be glad that you're now able to prevent further abuse?

3) Your three year old throws tantrums every time you say no to him. His screaming drives you crazy and you usually give in. When your husband tells your child no, he accepts it. Would you want to learn your husband's method, or would you sulk and be resentful because he knows something you don't? Or would you prefer that neither of you know how to handle your son's behavior, and all of you be completely dysfunctional and miserable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 9:32pm
Honey, you need to understand that you have a real man here. He took care of someone elses child and supported both of them. And if you two have children together it will be new to both of you. He didn't experience the pregnancy, the birth, and whatnot. Having a child is much different than being around someone elses for years. Stop pushing him away because that is what you are doing. He got enought crap from this last girl. He probably stayed with her because he was trying to love her and do the right thing. Whenever you start thinking about it, remember he is with you and not her now. He even told you he wasted his time with her, so don't waste yours worrying about it. :)

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