Friend with Benefits Problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Friend with Benefits Problem
8
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 2:33pm
This is a very complicated situation. I have been in a "relationship" with a man for approximately 5 months. We are both married, however both of us are currently physically seperated from our spouses and will be for about another 6 months. I am extremely happily married to what I would consider my soul mate. The other man is headed; from all indicators; for a divorce when we get back home. This man is a total sweetheart, we are very close friends, and are currently intimate. My dilemma is this, he knows that I am happily married and will go home to my life before the physical seperation occured. He on the other hand will gome home to a totally different life from what he had. He has continued to tell me that he will not do anything to jeopardize my marriage. I truly care for this person very much and want to do anything to help him through this. He has told me several times if it weren't for me, he would be an emotional mess. Is it fair for me to continue to be intimate with this man, or in the long run, am I doing more harm than good???? Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 2:39pm
'I am extremely happily married to what I would consider my soul mate.'

No you aren't or you wouldn't be in a relationship with someone else.

There is another relationship board here for people that are having affairs and get support from others in the same situation.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 2:44pm

There are a couple of polyamourous posters on the Understanding the Opposite Sex board...you might get feedback from people who better understand the situation you're in if you post there.


I personally don't understand being in an "extremely happy" marriage and having sex with someone else, so I'm not even going to begin to try to respond!


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 3:48pm
you posted this message before. what advice did you get then?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 7:19pm
You really have nerve to ask if it is "fair" after all the damage you've already done to your husband and to your lover and to his self esteem - his behavior is just as bad of course. Why not do everyone a favor and stop seeing this man and tell your husband that you are going to let him find a soulmate - a soulmate by definition has a soul and you seem to have lost yours along the way. What is not fair is that you are taking all the privileges and benefits of marriage and daring to call it a soulmate relationship when you are behaving in this deplorable way. Ewl.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:58pm

Deena, just FYI, she posted about this before and apparently her husband knows and approves.


Not my cup of tea, but if that's the case, then it's not for me to judge.


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 7:50am
I disagree with you - she is also participating in destroying the other person's marriage, and that marriage is not "open."
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 8:26am
OK I see I have struck a nerve here. My husband knows me, I have given him the same permission, we are totally in love, that is not the problem. Can we focus on the second person, this isn't about me, my morals, or my relationship with my husband. This is about someone who is going through some very tough times. To the person who said the other marriage is not open, you are right it isn't, however, she has admittedly been having sex with another man, and has told her husband that she has never been in love with him, told him he is a weak person, etc... Things have deteriorated to the point where he is in self-preservation mode, and is starting to prepare for a divorce. Is it right for me to be the person that, when his entire world is falling apart, he grabs onto for support??? Am I doing more damage than good at this point???? I know a lot of you don't understand my relationship with my husband, but please do not make your response about that, I am seriously worried/concerned about the other person in this equation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 9:43am
This is complicated. First of all, how do you know she is so evil? He could be telling you a totally one-sided version of the story. Making himself look innocent by leaving out all the mean, selfish, or hurtful things he did to her. You're only hearing one side!

But if she is REALLY bad for him-

you arent' helping him by letting him be co-dependent on you. He needs to get the self esteem to get out of a bad relationship WITHOUT leaning on anyone else. If he can't handle it now without you, is he going to fall apart when you leave? Or is he going to jump to the next woman, who might be even worse than his current wife?

He needs to deal with this on his own or he won't grow.

Also, there is a chance he is telling you a very scewed story and they might not be as bad a couple as you think. If he has any chance of being happy with her, would'nt you want that for him as his friend? You sleeping with him is just another nail in the coffin of his marraige. She cheated on him, but it doesn't make it right for him to cheat on her too. That kind of "revenge" is childish and cruel. And that's part of what makes me think that there's a lot more to this situation than what he's telling you. If he was really a good man he'd divorce her BEFORE sleeping with you. He's no angel in this marraige either.

That kind of logic is like saying "My wife hit me so it's OK if I beat her up too." When you get abused in a marraige, a healthy person doesn't use it as an exuse to start abusing (or cheating, etc.) too. A healthy person leaves.

So no, you're not helping this situation but from what I read it's not your fault. But if you really want to help him:

Back off and let him get out of the mess he created. If he does not, he will never learn from this. You can't "rescue" him from his own life. He got himself into this, and he needs to be the one to get out- he's an adult, not a helpless baby.