Boyfriend has sleepovers with friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Boyfriend has sleepovers with friends
11
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 6:40pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and have been talking about marriage but I am sick of all his sleepovers with his friend. Once a month, he drives up to SF and spends the weekend with his friend. I think this is ridiculous. He's not 12 anymore! He's 27 and his best friend is 30! Give me a break! I think he should come home at night. After we get married, things aren't going to change. What married couple spends one weekend a month apart while one spouse has a flippin' slumber party? He says he needs to get away and have his guy time. He can have his guy time all he wants without spending the night at his friend's house. Am I totally overreacting? I refuse to be the lonely wife/mother who sits around cleaning house all weekend while he parties with his friends. What should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:36pm
Why do you clean the house all weekend when he is away? Does he do this every month? I don't think it is that big of a deal especially when you don't have kids. Maybe you can compromise and he does this one weekend every other month and you take advantage of the weekend and have girls' time?

Where do you live by the way? Just curious since I am from the bay area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 8:01am
What you should do is get a life and stop measuring your relationship against what you think 'should" be - there are many marriages where the husband or wife travels a lot - so find what interests you - theater, sports, museums, book clubs, dancing - whatever - and spend time on that - I have no idea what you're talking about - lonely wife who spends the weekend cleaning? Huh? And if you need a husband who is home more often, he is not your man, period - but no he is not wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 8:37am

i agree with deena -

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:15pm
I agree. It sounds like he has to drive some distance to get to SF, so if he goes out then he needs a place to stay. I do think it's healthy he has his own friends and interests. At least he is not doing what a lot of people do in relationships, which is ditch their friends because their world revolves around thier SO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:29pm
I have to clean house because he won't! I decided to stop cleaning/doing errands one month to see when he would finally realize that I wasn't doing it anymore and it was horrible. There were dust bunnies and hair all over the floor, the sheets were never changed, there were clothes waiting to be dry cleaned, sitting in an enormous pile on the stair railing, there were 2 packs of molded cheese in the fridge and the list goes on and on. I finally got so furious that I confronted him about it and he said that it wasn't important, that he did want to waste his free time doing chores. I guess he's not just ready for a relationship?

I would say that he attends these sleep overs once every 6 weeks. But that's not to say that he doesn't do anything aside from that. He meets up with friends after work for drinks, he has dinner with his grandfather once a week and his parents once a week, he has people over for football on Sundays or goes out to a friend's. He went to texas, nebraska, and la already this year and he planned a 2 week trip to europe without telling me and a vegas trip in May.

I have a condo in Fremont but we spend 5 out of 7 days of the week at his apartment, which is by the San Jose Arena. Where do you live?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:44pm
a guy can have his guy time and thats more than just a sleep over and his friend's house. i think it's actually nice to have dinner with his grandfather and parents, etc. it's important for a guy to remember his family even when he's in a relationship.

i think what you can't deal with is that he doesn't include you in this activities, especially the trips.

don't ban him from those activities. you don't have a right to do that. i understand where you are coming from, and i once was a gf who wanted her bf's time 24/7. well guess what, a love held too tight would fight. so we are working things out and this time we are giving each other more space. so don't think of his get-away as his own personal space. it's some space and freedom for you too, and i totally agree that you should have a sleep over and a girls night out. girls are fun after you are spending forever with a guy.

anyway back to my point, you can't stop him from what he's doing, but perhaps you should suggest to him that he include you in some of the trips. and you can plan a trip for the two of you, make a first move, set an example, let him know where you are coming from. there's nothing wrong with compromising.

but if this isn't what you want, then find someone else who could give you what you want. but i can almost guarantee you that every man would want some guy-times. why do you think husbands get away from wives to play golf? lol good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:58pm

ok, let me get this straight. this is not about his going on a "sleepover"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 1:34pm
There are two different issues. It sounds like he isn't very clean-doesn't view housework as a priority and you have to decide if you are willing to live like this without him changing.

You two have separate residences so why are you cleaning his while he is away?

Also, does he invite you out with his parents/friends/family or prefer to go alone? It sounds like you are his 'apartment mommy' while his does his own thing. If he is planning trips without telling you then that is the topping on the cake-you are not a priority in his life. This isn't justs about his spending some time with others-it sounds like he spends most of his time with others.

I used to live by the San Jose Arena in the Rose Garden neighborhood. I am up near Sacramento now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 1:54pm
Has the term "gay" ever crossed your mind? I mean c'mon, San Francisco, sleep over parties that he 1) doesn't invite you to and 2) he insists he will not give up for you, the woman he is to marry someday?

If I were you, I would reevaluate my relationship and take a good look at the person you're considering spending the rest of your life with.

I don't mean to sound judgmental but when a person marries there are certain sacrifices that are made to please your partner and unless there is a real "meaning" to this obtrusive monthly ritual, he should be able to part with it at your command. I would suggest finding out if and what the motivation is behind these "slumber parties". I'm with you, I would be irritated, however, I would also be infuriated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 9:11am

I am sorry "giving something up at your command" is not what a marriage is about, maybe a compromise to reduce the frequency of those visits, but giving up visiting with a friend because you are too insecure about it?

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