DH very petty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
DH very petty
4
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 3:26pm
Well. it's going on a year now that dh is out of a job. I have been getting freelance work, which I think he resents via some remarks he has made. We have extra income from some properties as I've said before but understandably he is confused and upset because there have been interviews but no offers. He still though does not understand that many times, you have to go after the job, as there is much competition out there. He does not seem to want to take a course or improve his skills, and has very outdated views of how the job process should go. Too long to go into here. Anyhow, to cut to the chase, he now is very petty over what we have in the fridge, all because a few days ago we had to go grocery shopping, the money I was going to bring half of it I accidentally left in my purse at home, and he had to run to the bank to take about 60 bucks out of our savings. Which we have a VERY comfortable amount in, thank you. Anyway, (LOL) we bought a 12- pack of coke, plus 6 small cokes, and he had maybe one or two (his fave drink next to iced tea, so I think that's another reason he's acting foolish because he's afraid I will drink all of his beloved cokes) and I had some, but which I SHARED with him at dinner. Well, today he sees me drinking a small can and yells, why can't those last us a few more days? We're going to go BROKE buying groceries, can't they last us? And on and on. I told him I don't want to be in a house where things are monitored, like I am paying room and board to live in my own house. Well, he gets all panicky about money and going broke over COKES, for goodness sake. What a Christmas Eve. We are supposed to go to my parents tonight, so that will be okay but I feel crappy because how dare he start in like that on me? I understand where his panic is coming from, if he said he's scared and doesn't feel he's contributing monetarily and such and such, okay, but to lay into me over cokes?I just came upstairs and am not saying a thing. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems excessive to me. Last time he was out a job four years ago, he pulled the same thing, only over cookies. I told him now that if he wants to have a coke, HAVE ONE. It's like he is afraid to touch them because he doesn't want to spend money replacing one thing. Bottom line is this: I can understand his worry and frustration, but I think this is taking it too far.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: shluffie
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 9:43am

I think you (and he) needs to realize that this isn't about cokes or cookies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
In reply to: shluffie
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 3:29pm
James, your advice was right on the money. (no pun intended!) We have gone to counseling brore, when he was employed, and it didn't really do any good, as I think I forced him to go and he was not willing to "go with the program." The only thing I can do in this case is take care of myself, yes care about him too, but really look out for myself and don't let myself go crazy. Meaning stay healthy, keep doing the freelance work, see friends, etc. Give him space when he needs it and not give him too much advice. One question, if the "Coke" issue comes up again, aside from suggesting counseling, what is best way to handle that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
In reply to: shluffie
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:22pm
Oh, brother. Dh is so defensive, I don't know what to say when he's around. Like tonight, I read him a little article in the gossip section of the paper, about a local sports celebrity who's going overseas to coach a team, but he and his wife of many years are separating. Well, I just wanted to read it to dh because he follows this team and thought it might be interesting. Right away, he starts in, "Well, just because they've been married that long doesn't mean that she should go with him that far away if she doesn't want to." He then gave me the asinine comparison of his sister, who is married to a man from Spain, who wanted to move to Spain (not for a job opportunity, but because he loves his home country more than the U.S.) but before they married they resolved it and stayed here. (she's still paying for it though, long story, because he makes her and the kids go every summer, whether they like it or not, for two months to Spain and the heck with where she and the kids want to go.) I told him that they resolved that situation about where to live BEFORE they married, but many married couples, due to the spouse's job, move overseas for a better opportunity, it just depends upon the circumstances. I said maybe this sports star and his wife were having problems before. Well, he just sulked after I said this and I went upstairs. He then came up to say that yes, who knows what was going on in their marriage. My point is, he's very defensive and has an answer for everything, and perhaps if he were more openminded, (i.e. regarding looking at other careers or not being so negative about finding a job) he'd have a job by now, as it's coming up on a year. I don't tell him this, as he must figure this out for himself, but his response just illustrates, to me, his closemindedness and that he thinks that marriage can be thrown away if someone doesn't want to move somewhere. Sorry I am ranting, but I am at my wits end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
In reply to: shluffie
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:25pm
P.S. Bottom line: I guess I should just keep the old mouth closed and not say anything, just gets me in trouble, and goodness help me if I have an opinion, he gets very edgy.