question re marriage
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question re marriage
| Wed, 12-24-2003 - 7:04pm |
Due to a problem between my dh and bil we are cut out of christmas day at my families house. My mom sided with bil and refuses to alternate christmases to have us over every second or third year despite me asking her to. Now every holiday I end up in a big fight with my dh. I am depressed because I am cut out so I start dredging up his part in the whole falling out and we end up in an ugly situation. How can I break this cycle. We are invited to my family before or after the big day and usually go after the holiday. We are having his family thing on Christmas Day. Why can't I get past this?

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I am not really sure what to say about this, it is surprising to me that after three years your family can't "forgive and forget" about an incedent with a minor scratch on a car, but I guess every family can have these sort of things.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
Am so there, and have so been done with it....let's just say this. Your parents are aligned with the sister and BIL. For whatever reason - because it's not relevant.
And you're not going to do whatever it is that they demand to kiss and make up, or continue to take more abuse about this subject.
Everybody is entitled to their own opinions, beliefs, and perceptions...and each individual has their own perception of life as a whole, themselves as anindividual, and situations specifically - and that perception is THEIR reality and it's the position from which we deal. I guarantee your version of this isn't QUITE the same as your husband's, nor is yoru mother's the same as your fathers, nor your BIL's the same as your sister's exactly. That's the point - everybody's perception is their reality, they deal with it in accordance with their values and standards and needs and dictates.
So while you're sitting there going "how can I get over this?" I question in what context you mean. As an external situation you can't change, as a perspective reality on the parts of others that this is the correct way to conduct themselves you cannot change...yu accept it. You can like or hate something, and accept it as a fact.
And then.....once you've accepted it as a fact, you can decide how YOU - in accordance with your goals, your standards, your needs, and your values are going to deal with it.
What is dysfunctional on your part would be to sit there and say "I want them to see my piont, I want a "norman rockwell" family" - you can't get that in this equation and to sit there and waste time in denial of that fact, and in emotional distress as a result of the denial is pointless.
It's quite obvious that you and your husband and family are not as "important" to your mother and father. As hard as that is to accept, don'tsit there and deny it or try to justify or rationalize it - accept it. And then you can decide if based on that position of equality - do you want anything more to do with your parents and sister and BIL, in what capacity and on what terms and in what situations.
Youu all the shots in your life...if you sit there hat in hand, on the stoop, begging for their attention and inclusion and to consider you an equal -you're a victim to yourselves, not them.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
The event that brought them together after all this time? The Christmas Eve death of another sister.
Such a waste.