I am scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
I am scared
70
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 2:09pm
The unexpected death of a close friend or sibling can certainly cause one to question ones' entire life. Am I happy? Is this what I want from life? If I die tomorrow or (perhaps worse?) become incapacitated, will I have been cheated out of the life that I could have had?

Any chance you could get him to visit a trained therapist before he makes any life-altering decisions? Is he an active church-goer or at least have a passing relationship with a priest or minister? If so, perhaps that would be an option for some free counseling...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 2:28pm
Hi!

The death of a family member and the purchase of a home are just 2 things many of us guys stress over. Naturally...if there's a job problem, a sexually dysfunctional issue or perhaps some health abnormalities...these will affect us too!

Your husband might have gotten a "realistic look" at his life over Christmas...and has begun to ask himself: "HOW CAN I POSSIBLY HANDLE ALL OF THIS?" That's where you...as his loving and understanding wife...NEED TO REASSURE HIM that despite all the obstacles...the 2 of you are in this marriage TOGETHER! And whatever it takes...the two of you will MUTUALLY SUPPORT EACH OTHER TO WORK THE BUGS OUT...and make your 7 year old son's life as happy as possible.

Contrary to what you might believe...a man can get just as "overwhelmed" as a woman! But we've been taught to keep our mouths shut and "act like men!" This is why few of us will say much of anything when you ask us: "What's the matter, Honey?"

Unfortunately...each of us has a breaking point...and when that arrives...WE REALLY LOSE IT! And that's where the women in our lives really matter. Most of the women (Pianoguy knows) seem to understand a man's need for support and they lovingly provide it. However, there ARE a few women who are too concerned about their own needs...(call 'em selfish) to provide any comfort to their husbands or s.o.'s at all.

Kansasmomma...YOU CERTAINLY DON'T SOUND LIKE THE LATTER TYPE TO ME!

What you and your husband might want to do is have a family member or friend keep an eye on your boy for a few days...so you both can take "a couple break!" This doesn't have to be at an exclusive resort that costs thousands of dollars...just a few days away at a nice place...where you both can "talk things out and rediscover each other a little?" This little bit of 'quality time between you' might put your husband's fears to rest?

Even the best marriages need an occasional "refresher"---and it sounds like yours is due for one? My prayers are with you.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 12:49am
Thank you for your replies. As a matter of fact my Mom is watching our little boy tonight. She did the same last night. Luckily our son doesn;t suspect anything at this time. My husband and I have talked and spent some alone time. I asked him if he was wanting a divorce and he said that he doesn;t think so. He also says that he doesn;t feel like we need counseling, just that he is needing to find himself and needs time to think. I love my husband sooo much, it is killing me that we are going through this and I hope that it is just one of those bumps in the road that all married couples go through at some point. He says that he knows he still loves me deep down but that he just needs to find that again. I am trying to stay positive. I pray that God will get us through this. I know we are meant to be together. I just don't know how to help him right now and it terrifies me.. I wish I knew of some magic cure for this. But mostly I guess I just need to hear from someone outside of the situation that things will be ok. I don;t have many friends that I feel I can talk to about this so I truly appreciate your words of encouragement and support. Thank you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 6:53am
First of all, I think it was kind of cruel for your husband to say all of this to you on Christmas Eve! That being said, I think the most important thing is not that HE figures this all out, but that you do it jointly. Otherwise, you are going to feel like you're on the outside looking in, not knowing what's going on inside of him. TRY to get him to open up and to continue to spend "couple time", not only discussing whatever is going on with him, but recapturing the love and togetherness you've shared in the past.

I hope this will only be a "bumpette" in the road for you both. Good Luck and I hope the New Year will be happy and healthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:12am
My husband has told me that he is not leaving. What makes this even harder is that we just bought a house in November. He tells me that he cares for me and our son, but that he just doesn;t have the feelings he used to for me. I think that right now he is hurt and going with his negative feeling as that is what he can focus on right now. I really believe though that if his love for me was totally dead that he would have left long ago. I keep trying to hold on to this. But I wonder if I am just fooling myself. He finally said this morning that divorce is a real possibility. I acknowledged that fact. I know that I can keep him if he doesn;t want to stay, but like I said he is still here. I can't sleep or eat. I toss and turn all night, yet he will pull me in his arms to comfort me. AM I crazy or is there a chance for us? I prob. also need to note that we have not had much of a sex life due to my female problems and due to being caught up in the grind of daily life. I had surgery to correct my female problems about 6 months ago and I am finally starting to feel sexual again. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can help him rekindle those feelings? We have made love three times in the past couple of weeks. Each time I have asked him if he wants me and he says yes. I also have asked him if he was making love with me because he loves me or if it was just for the sex and he responds with he loves me. Help!!! I have asked him about counseling and he feels that there is nothing he can say to a counselor that he hasn;t already said to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:23am
'He finally said this morning that divorce is a real possibility.'

Please try to talk to him more about the therapist.

'I have asked him about counseling and he feels that there is nothing he can say to a counselor that he hasn;t already said to me.'

But everything the therapist tells you two will be new! It will be helpful to sort your feelings and what you have been through. You can communicate in new ways and the therapist may help him to open up and consider things he hadn't before.

If nothing else, maybe you should consider going alone.

Good luck

Gina

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:54am

After the death (especially the sudden death) of someone we are close to, there is often a period of deep mourning, shock, fear and many other emotions get stirred up. The loss of your husband's friend may also have set off questions within him about his own life and how he wants to live it. It sounds as though he needs a little help now (professional help) in sorting through his feelings. When a person is upset, they sometimes think they're out of love or it has to do with their mate or marriage - or that something or someone else will take their pain away. This is rarely true. They have to face what's going on inside and face their own lives and experience. Suggest to him (in a non-critical way) that he seek some help in sorting out his thoughts and feelings. Tell him that after a big loss, there are often many unconscious reactions that are very difficult to handle and understand alone. If he is willing to work on this, that is wonderful. If he isn't open to this kind of suggestion, it might be a good idea for you to get some guidance and counselling on dealing with his behavior, so you can become strong enough to handle whatever happens next and to maintain your own self esteem.


Take good care,


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 11:56am
I have called my doctor and have an appt to see him Monday. In the meantime, his nurse is going thru the same thing and was kind enough to call me in some meds to help me relax and hopefully get some sleep. Thank you all for listening and offering advise. I truly appreciate it and am grateful. I hate that I have to wait until Monday, but what's a girl to do. Maybe my doctor can recommend a therapist for me to see. I understand what everyone says about seeing a therapist and wish I could get my husband to understand. WHo knows maybe after I get some meds and some sleep we will be able to better communicate and the idea of counseling may make more sense to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 4:52pm
What type of meds are we talking about here. I hope you are not trying to suppliment your troubled relationship with meds. The only reason I can say that is because I have done it. I can't say I have been in your exact position but I have been married for 6 years with 2 children. The ups and downs of marriage somestimes feels like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you find there are more down's than ups and find it hard to focus on the good or why you are where you are in the first place. Sometimes a break is exactly what you need to feel the void of what you longed for and found once upon a time. This could just be one of those really sereal times in life where he is questioning every little crevice of his life and taking out his uncertanty on you. What ever happends stay true to your self and know that you are giving your all and no matter what the out come is it has happened for a reason!I wish you nothing but happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: kansasmomma
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 5:51pm
kansasmomma,

Was just wonderin, how old is your husband? What is happening to you sounds like what is happening to a lot us, it's called mid-life crisis (MLC). You can read more about it on a website called midlifeclub.com. You will be surprised at the number of women and men who post on there with basically the same story as yours. After 10,15, 20 years of marriage...the husband just decides that he is not sure that he still loves you....or to put it in their words "I love you but not "in love" with you.

This is what I heard from my husband after 12 years of marriage and we have now been separated for over a year, with him still "not sure" what it is that he wants. IF this is the case for you, then get ready for one hell of a roller coaster ride and be prepared to have lots of patience.

Whatever happens, take care of yourself and good luck.


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