I am scared
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I am scared
| Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:55pm |
I have been married for 10 years. On Christmas Eve my husband told me that he thinks he has fallen out of love with me. He says he still cares but is confused and doesnt know what he wants. We have a 7 yr old boy. I don't know what to do. It seems like the more I try to talk to him the more withdrawn he gets. All he says is that he doesn't know what he wants. He has been very stressed lately. A friend that he consider his brother died unexpectedly in September and we have recently bought a house. In fact I am getting ready to make the 1st house payment today! I don't know if this is something that will pass or what to think. Any advise would be wonderful. I don't have many friends to talk to about this. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said no... Help!!

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Any chance you could get him to visit a trained therapist before he makes any life-altering decisions? Is he an active church-goer or at least have a passing relationship with a priest or minister? If so, perhaps that would be an option for some free counseling...
The death of a family member and the purchase of a home are just 2 things many of us guys stress over. Naturally...if there's a job problem, a sexually dysfunctional issue or perhaps some health abnormalities...these will affect us too!
Your husband might have gotten a "realistic look" at his life over Christmas...and has begun to ask himself: "HOW CAN I POSSIBLY HANDLE ALL OF THIS?" That's where you...as his loving and understanding wife...NEED TO REASSURE HIM that despite all the obstacles...the 2 of you are in this marriage TOGETHER! And whatever it takes...the two of you will MUTUALLY SUPPORT EACH OTHER TO WORK THE BUGS OUT...and make your 7 year old son's life as happy as possible.
Contrary to what you might believe...a man can get just as "overwhelmed" as a woman! But we've been taught to keep our mouths shut and "act like men!" This is why few of us will say much of anything when you ask us: "What's the matter, Honey?"
Unfortunately...each of us has a breaking point...and when that arrives...WE REALLY LOSE IT! And that's where the women in our lives really matter. Most of the women (Pianoguy knows) seem to understand a man's need for support and they lovingly provide it. However, there ARE a few women who are too concerned about their own needs...(call 'em selfish) to provide any comfort to their husbands or s.o.'s at all.
Kansasmomma...YOU CERTAINLY DON'T SOUND LIKE THE LATTER TYPE TO ME!
What you and your husband might want to do is have a family member or friend keep an eye on your boy for a few days...so you both can take "a couple break!" This doesn't have to be at an exclusive resort that costs thousands of dollars...just a few days away at a nice place...where you both can "talk things out and rediscover each other a little?" This little bit of 'quality time between you' might put your husband's fears to rest?
Even the best marriages need an occasional "refresher"---and it sounds like yours is due for one? My prayers are with you.
Pianoguy
I hope this will only be a "bumpette" in the road for you both. Good Luck and I hope the New Year will be happy and healthy.
Please try to talk to him more about the therapist.
'I have asked him about counseling and he feels that there is nothing he can say to a counselor that he hasn;t already said to me.'
But everything the therapist tells you two will be new! It will be helpful to sort your feelings and what you have been through. You can communicate in new ways and the therapist may help him to open up and consider things he hadn't before.
If nothing else, maybe you should consider going alone.
Good luck
Gina
After the death (especially the sudden death) of someone we are close to, there is often a period of deep mourning, shock, fear and many other emotions get stirred up. The loss of your husband's friend may also have set off questions within him about his own life and how he wants to live it. It sounds as though he needs a little help now (professional help) in sorting through his feelings. When a person is upset, they sometimes think they're out of love or it has to do with their mate or marriage - or that something or someone else will take their pain away. This is rarely true. They have to face what's going on inside and face their own lives and experience. Suggest to him (in a non-critical way) that he seek some help in sorting out his thoughts and feelings. Tell him that after a big loss, there are often many unconscious reactions that are very difficult to handle and understand alone. If he is willing to work on this, that is wonderful. If he isn't open to this kind of suggestion, it might be a good idea for you to get some guidance and counselling on dealing with his behavior, so you can become strong enough to handle whatever happens next and to maintain your own self esteem.
Take good care,
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Was just wonderin, how old is your husband? What is happening to you sounds like what is happening to a lot us, it's called mid-life crisis (MLC). You can read more about it on a website called midlifeclub.com. You will be surprised at the number of women and men who post on there with basically the same story as yours. After 10,15, 20 years of marriage...the husband just decides that he is not sure that he still loves you....or to put it in their words "I love you but not "in love" with you.
This is what I heard from my husband after 12 years of marriage and we have now been separated for over a year, with him still "not sure" what it is that he wants. IF this is the case for you, then get ready for one hell of a roller coaster ride and be prepared to have lots of patience.
Whatever happens, take care of yourself and good luck.
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