Resentful of him & I shouldn't be (long)
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| Fri, 12-26-2003 - 6:08pm |
I've never posted on this board before, but am a regular at iVillage. I am currently dating my BF of almost six months. We're both 25, but have pretty different lives. I am recently divorced, living with a very stuffy 37 yr old roommate, have a full time job and am trying to sort of "sew my wild oats" at this point in my life because I feel that I missed a lot of that in my younger years, living the married life since I was practically 16 (I didn't get married that early, but lived the life). He is a major skiing fanatic, doesn't have a job currently, lives with roommates and is for the most part supported by his family. He has always been very outgoing, millions of friends, loves to party a lot, always has to be "on the go", etc. Well I've always been the homebody type, have a few close friends and am really shy when it comes to meeting new people, but I've started to try to change that because I also enjoy going out and partying, staying out all night, whatever, if I'm with people I know. Our personalities are soooo different, but I admire him in a lot of ways because of this. As I said I'm currently on a new "quest" to have some fun, party and enjoy myself as much as possible while I'm still young. This is one of the main reasons I was attracted to this guy. He and I knew from the beginning that this is what I wanted to do and he was extremely happy to be the person to show me how to party and try and see new things (he took me to NY for Thanksgiving). The last 6 months have been all of that and more, for the most part. Besides all of that we have major chemistry and enjoy each others company a ton. He is a really good boyfriend to me and is constantly reassuring me that I am the only one he wants and he spends plenty of quality time with me. I can be a pretty insecure person sometimes, so it's very helpful that he does this. Although he parties a lot, he's not a bum, he likes to do other things to have fun as well, is very organized and detail oriented and he is very committed to a monogamous relationship with me, I like this about him.
We both agreed early on that if we can't be together to go out and have fun we could still go out with friends and enjoy this type of life, but still stay committed to one another and make sure the communication lines are wide open while we're out. He knew I was out to live the "single life" and he didn't want to hold me back from having time to do my own thing and be with my friends. I also didn't want to hold him back from his party life (change who he is) as long as he was good to me and faithful.
When the relationship first began, I told myself that it was casual and not to get in too deep with this guy because I knew his lifestyle and assumed this meant he wouldn't be around for very long. I was ok with that because I was out for the same lifestyle. Well he fell for me pretty hard and I for him and he wanted to be exclusive right away. He (still) constantly tells me that I'm the most amazing GF he's ever had and am beautiful and perfect, he doesn't even want anyone else, etc, etc. Basically I'm "IT" for him. He has proven this to me a lot and I can tell it's all very sincere. When we agreed on the "rules" of going out without each other, we put no limitations on each other besides being unfaithful. He requested that I call him once I'm in bed after being out, maybe even calling once or so while I'm out just as a reassurance. He actually started out doing this for me before even asking me to do it, it was always a "rule" in his past realtionships as well. He states that this way we know that we're home safe, in bed alone and are the last to speak to each other before going to sleep. Well I was happy about that because I'm a person who needs a lot of reassurance in a realtionship and I think he could sense that from the beginning.
The problem is, I'm starting to feel a lot of resentment towards him because he goes out A LOT more than I do when we're apart. This is where our different lifestyles come into play, I'm a "semi-former" homebody (I still enjoy staying home sometimes) and the few close friends that I do have are married. They go out with me to a club or whatever once in a while because they know I love to dance, but since they are married it's not something they can do a whole lot of. Another issue is money, I can only afford to go out so much and he can pretty much afford it whenever he wants. I feel like its rubbed in my face (unconsiously on his part) how much fun he's having because of the fact that he does stay in such good communication with me while he's out, I know this is my own insecurity. Plus when he goes out with me and we party and drink we end up going home between 12-2 or don't go out at all (recently) because he just wants to be at home spending time with me. Well this makes me feel good because I can tell it's sincere, but I also resent it when he's out with the boys till 3 and 4 in the morning. I feel like I have to compete with him when it comes to who's out longer or what kind of fun the other person is having and the sad part is, this is all in my own damn head. I feel like a loser because I end up at home pretty much before midnight and even on the nights I go out to a club I'm home pretty early. He doesn't see me that way, but again it's all in my head. I wish I was out having the time of my life till the wee hours of the morning so I wouldn't be so upset that he is out.
He makes it very clear that he would always rather see and go out with me, but when we can't see each other, which is only a couple of nights a week anyway (he lives 100 miles away), he does the next best thing and goes out with his friends because otherwise he'll just be bored without me. This all makes me feel good and appreciated, but I'm also starting to resent it.
This all came to a head the last couple of days. He left town to go be with his family for Christmas and New Years, 2000 miles away. He's still been the wonderful, supportive, loving, reassuring BF that's he always has been, but every night he's been out with his friends until 2,3,4 in the morning. This is killing me right now because I don't have a lot going on in my life (compared to him anyway), being recently divorced the holidays are very hard for me anyway and I'm missing him a TON! He misses me just as much, but obviously the time is going much faster for him because he's out having fun. It's been a rough couple of days for me and I've pretty much cried to him every night that he's been gone. Usually I have more self control than that (he's gone on a couple of trips since we've been together), but I'm having such a hard time with my ever changing life right now and I am having a very hard time handling it all. He's been very supportive and understanding the whole time. Then last night I blew up at him about it. He got angry because he was being just as good as he always is to me and I'm sure me crying the last few nights pushed it even further.
We've pretty much made up, but I'm still angry and resentful over it even though I shouldn't be because it's really not his fault, it's just who he is and I knew that from the beginning. I just need some advice because all of this is new to me. I don't know how to stop being resentful over this other than having my own fun every night and right now that is so limited because of my lifestyle. I've tried telling myself that I am a different person than him and I should be happy with the life that I have and be happy with the fun that I do get to have with him and without him. I don't want to be somebody I'm not, but I truly do want to be out partying and enjoying myself a lot more than I do. How can I do that though when I'm used to the married life and have married friends and have such a hard time at making new friends? I realize that this is my problem (not ours) and if I'm unhappy with my life I need to change it, he's supportive of that and tells me that all of the time, but I just don't know how...
I'm sorry this was so long I just wanted you to understand the dynamics of our relationship so you could give me some sound advice about this.
Thanks for reading this, please respond if you can!
comingout....

Only *you* can control that. Get a life outside of him. Volunteer, take classes, learn a new hobby, whatever.
Also, decide if you want to sew your wild oats or have a boyfriend. If you want a boyfriend then realize what a great guy you have and don't blow it. Find a way to occupy your time before you lose him for thinking irrationally.