do i tell him??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
do i tell him??
5
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 9:35am
ive been with my boyfriend for awhile now. we're doing the whole long distance relationship right now, which has NOT been easy. last few weeks have been pretty brutal, he's a law student and was taking finals...we didnt talk much, he wasnt emotionally available when we did talk because he was stressed...now he's home for the holidays and since his parents dont know he has a girlfriend, our contact is even more minimal. we love each other, we're committed, we've tossed around the idea of marriage...but the last few weeks have been lonely for me. not that all of this is any excuse..../sigh

so last night im out with my friends and we got really drunk, just trashed, and the band is playing and the flirtations are flying and flirting is harmless and the attention feels so nice and a friend of a friend ends up driving me home and we're both so incredibly drunk and he walks me in and....yah, i cheated. its the morning after now and of course i regret it deeply, i do love my boyfriend. it didnt mean anything, it was just sex, it was just one night...and i honestly dont know if my relationship would survive this news. and i honestly dont know if my relationship would survive this staying a secret. though im thinking it has a better chance of surviving if i take this secret to my grave.

so do i tell him?? ugh, what have i done :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 10:42am
You don't tell him since it is just to get the burden of guilt off your shoulders, although you do need to get tested for pregnancy and STD's and if at all possible, avoid having sex with your bf for a few months so that when you get tested it will be accurate. if this means you have to tell him (rather than white lie that you need not to have sex for awhile) then yes you need to tell him. Also ask yourself why you chose to get drunk which you likely knew would trigger this kind of reaction. please don't approach him until after finals - when I was a 1st year law student the last thing I needed was more stress.

also please consider taking a hard look at whether you have a drinking problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 12:09pm
You are committed yet his parents don't know about you and you cheated on him? Sounds like you really need to decide if this is serious and you are both really thinking long term.
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 3:54pm
Yes, I, too, am wondering why his parents don't know about you. It sounds like he is hiding you for some reason. You may want to consider that if you marry, there will likely be some periods of stress and loneliness due to circumstances and will this be your response to those times then?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 11:55pm
yah, i should clear a few things up....his parents do not know about me, but all his friends and his roommates do. its just his parents and he is adamant that his mother is not going to know he is in a relationship until the day she receives a wedding invitation, she's just too intruding according to him and he really is careful about keeping his love life his own affair. i respect that. but im not a secret in his life. and his parents suspect he has someone in his life, but when his mother starts trying to fish for info he just cuts her off and says "none of your business mom, but thanks for asking."

i said we've been together awhile...we've been friends for years, but made an exclusive committment just about 3 months ago. so i guess technically its pretty early in the relationship, though with the length of our friendship neither of us ever saw ourselves ever breaking up now that we finally got together. and as for the drinking problem, no...i dont have one. there's the problem i guess. i never drink. i never did. i commuted to catholic nursing school, never had any wild college days or anything. i went to christian high school, my group of friends never partied. this is the first time i have my own apartment, all my friends were going "clubbing"...i dont know why i thought i was missing something by never having experienced a "binge-drinking blast", but ill never do it again. i dont ever remember half the night, only that i was acting like a total f-ing idiot. /sigh

ive decided not to tell him. because telling him would destroy him, i know that. i dont know if we're "meant to be forever", time will tell i guess. doing the long distance thing is very hard and im lonely, but i didnt cheat on him because of a problem in the relationship. i dont react to any problems we have with some passive-agressive move like cheating. it wasnt in response to something going on between him and i, it wasnt a reaction to some deep issue. it was just a mistake, one that i will live in regret with the rest of my life and probably be bawling about in the privacy of my bedroom for i dont know how long...was a horrible lesson to learn.

birth control is covered, my boyfriend and i are always careful and i take the pill. i have an appointment with planned parenthood monday to get checked for std's. honestly, i cant even remember if i used a condom or not. /sigh i cant remember hardly anything. and he wont be here to visit me over his semester break for a few weeks yet, so ill have my results before he comes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 7:24pm
I think you are making a big mistake. It's difficult to keep a secret like this to yourself- why carry around all that guilt? If you two are really commited to each other, it means that you will have to learn to communicate and overcome difficulties. A good relationship depends on telling the truth. You never know when telling a lie will come back to bite you. Consider this- some of the most common stds, such as herpes, can take several months to appear! For some people, it takes years. Meanwhile, you might be giving it to your boyfriend. How will you explain the situation then?

If you are going to have a good relationship with this man in the future, you will ahve to find a way to work through this issue together.

And no, I don't think it was simply a one time mistake. I think you are still young and not ready to be commited to a relationship. If you are cheating on your bf after only three months of commitment, then I think there are more serious issues underneath.

Good luck!