Is it time to let go ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Is it time to let go ?
5
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 8:37pm
I’ve been in love for nearly 16 years. The kind of love that leaves butterflies in my stomach, a warmth that engulfs my entire being. A love that reaches beyond comprehension. A deep love. A love I would take to my grave.

For 16 years I’ve loved a man who never seemed to return that love. He rarely finds time for me or to do the things I like to do. Too many times I’ve suggested a movie, a concert, spending a Saturday afternoon together….he’s always busy. I’ve gotten so used to being alone on holidays and birthdays that I’ve lost my glow, my spark, my self esteem. I’m tired of being alone, waiting for a return call, waiting for a few hours of his time, waiting to be loved.

What can I do to get into his head. I want to know after all these years why he treats me this way. Why I’m not in his plans. Why does he treat me this way. Why won’t he love me back. Why do I always feel like an “after thought” or a “substitute”. Why does he avoid talking about our relationship and where it’s “not going”. I so tired of business as usual and I want out. How can I fall out of love with him and move on with my life. Or should I try harder to make this relationship work. How can I get what I need out of this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 11:42pm
i feel like i am in a similiar situation but less serious, so i had to reply.

well 16 years of love is a deep love, and i am the type of person who usuaully don't give up on a good thing. so i would try to talk to him, and tell him exactly how you feel. if he can't change, and if you've tried many times and he didn't do anything about it, perhaps it is time to move on.

a man might realize what you are to him when you are finally gone. why else are there so many love songs where pitiful guys sing "she's gone"?

i just wish you best of luck. it is hard to move on, but try and work it out. when you finally do decide to move on though, you should take a good look at who you are, what you want, what you are worth, take personal interests and hobbies into your consideration, meet new people. you will soon realize how beautiful one person could truly be, just by ourselves.

good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 5:46am
Those butterflies could just be the feeling of loving someone where it's not reciprocated in the same way.

After 16 years of him dismissing you and failing to commit to your relationship, I would guess that nothing will change that and you will go on being disappointed by a relationship that is ultimately not satifying.

Why have you put up with being sidelined for so many years? You have lost your spark because you have allowed this man to rob you of your self-esteem, or perhaps that was what was lacking in the first place which is why you have put up with this treatment of you for so long.

If he has behaved this way for 16 years, NOTHING will change now, not your talking or your actions.

I would put an end to this relationship and work on your self-esteem to understand why you have put up with this for so long. Find new hobbies and activities that fill up your time and make you feel useful and interested. The pain of this disappointment will pass and perhaps ultimately, if you focus your energies on building your self-esteem and self-confidence, you will find yourself attracting a more suitable and committed partner.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 1:57pm
I agree with Peebles.

First you have done all the pursuing....why? Because if you don't, he wouldn't. That tells me right off that this relationship isn't mutual. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't feel the way about you that you feel about them? Because it's tied to your self-esteem. You feel unlovable, unwanted, not validated as a woman if he doesn't want you.

You can't make him feel what you feel. You can't make him fall in love with you. Having just the right combination isn't something you plan for or demand. It just happens.

Sixteen years, sounds to me a little like Scarlet O'Hare....holding on to the fantasy, the dream, but it's only an illusion that she (and you) refuse to see, because it doesn't match how you WANT things to be.

You don't fall out of love with someone, until you see them as they really are. He's uninterested, yet your LOVE makes you continue to be in his life, continue to want something from him that he can't give. What if the roles were reversed and some other guy was pursuing you, proclaiming his love, asking, bugging why you don't feel the same way, etc?

Moving on means grieving for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been. It will take time.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 2:09pm
You have chosen to stay in this situation for all of these years. You are responsible for your own happiness. He isn't.

Find a way to figure out why you let yourself be treated this way and what about the situation and him attracted you. You wouldn't go on like this for so many years if you didn't get something out of it. What was it? Did you like the fact that he was unavailable? Did it stop you from moving on with your life? Did you like the drama and 'woe is me' feeling it gave you? Are you used to being treated this way?

You don't need a man to eliminate being alone on holidays. What about friends and family?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:26pm
find someone who brings out the best of you. someone who makes you happy. you deserve better.