Posted a while back

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Posted a while back
4
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 12:07am
sk1960 Thank you for replying to it..To answer your question yes he remained friends with the ex-gf after the affair was over after awhile due to her constantly calling playing damsel in destress and H going over there at all hours when she called I started to accuse him of sleeping with her again while I was stuck home with the kids or at work. The trust level was still depleted plus I moved into the house she had been living in with him which didn't help me get over it at all.

Gina I want to thank you as well. Yes I'm in counseling now to help deal with my past. I suffer from depression as well as anxiety and ptsd due to the abuse my counselor is pretty good and I plan to continue. I'm also on antidepressants which help.

sanavarro Thank you for the advise. We tried marriage counseling in the past but at that time I wasn't facing up to my drinking problem or any of my childhood issues so it didn't work..I was manipulating the counselor into taking myside of things now that I look back and making H seem like a uncaring monster which he isn't. I've been sober for 8 months now and in that time I have done alot of thinking not so much about what he has or hasn't done but what I've done to him most of it shames me a great deal.

I don't know if I should hold out hope that he'll return but I do know I never want to wind up the way I was when I finally sought help for my problems. H says that he is in love with me and does call quite often during the day but he wants me to concentrate on getting stronger and he's scared that should he come back I'll stop making the progress I've made through counseling regress to the insecure,controling and manipulative person I was before.

One good thing that has been going on since my post is we have talked calmly about our relationship and I've told him I'm sorry for falling into the trap of retaliation and the he/said stuff. I've also decided to pretty much ignore those who do not want us to be together and their petty games not just for the sake of the relationship but my own sanity. They can't play if i'm not willing right?

Sorry this got so long and probably confusing
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 1:37am

I am not sure I remember your entire story, but it sounds like you have been making progress in the past months and I am very proud of you - hope you are too!


I think it often feels *safe* to us to go *back* to a relationship that *was*. but you need to remember that when you make major changes, there is no going back - because YOU are not the same person you were 8 months ago. the "you" of 8 months ago was not strong enuf to make these changes. I don't know if you and H will be together or not, i don't know if he is cheating on you or not, but you need to make these changes in order to have a better life for YOU. if you and H will be together eventually - who knows? for now, concentrate on yourself.


good luck to you and keep up the good work! thanks for the update.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 11:13am
Here is your first post:

This may be the wrong emotion to use but its important to me that's why I'm seeking advice from all of you.

You see my h and I have been seperated for almost a year now we both love eachother very much but we weren't very mature during our relationship over the years so we're both frightened. It seems we got into you did this so I did that sort of retaliation activities and I'm not exactly sure 1. how to stop it from continuing so we may work things out 2. bring up to him how sorry I am for punishing him for wrongs he did committ over the years ie affair with my ex-friend as well as wrongs that only happened in my head. 3. I fear I may have punished the poor guy for my abusive childhood and pushed him away so much that no matter what I say or how I act it'll be there between us. If I bring this up to much he feels pressured and we start fighting and well he's coming to see me more and more during the week before or after work whether or not our kids are home plus calling me from his cell up to 10x a day so I'm nervous to bring up some issues we have mainly by my own doing. Any suggestions? Should I just wait til he's ready to talk them over or should I say how I feel? He knows I want him to come home so he may think I'm merely spouting words to achieve that. We've been through so much and I truely believe our relationship is worth saving if only we can stop going in circles with the he said/she said and you did/I did. Plus how do we keep so called friends from interfering should we get back together? H has these 2 friends that absolutely hate my guts they tend to do and say anything to keep us apart. 1 happens to be my ex-friend who he had the affair with the second is his *bestfriend* to me he's more the fair weather friend except when he needs a port in the storm when he turns to h for help...h said next time due to some stuff that we down between myself and his best friend best friend can go to well you know



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 11:20am
Throughout your post you are mentioning all that you are responsible for and getting help for. I think it is great that you are in counseling and you and your husband are talking. I am curious though if he is taking responsibility for any of the downfall of the marriage. What about his affair, the fighting, the games, the friendship with the woman? Doeshe realize where he needs to change?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 3:28am
Hello. I realize I posted all I have to be responsible for I didn't realize I forgot to mention he has seen alot of his own behavior that needed to change as well and is making attempts to do so. For example he's now admitting that ds does in fact have adhd/odd and it wasn't just in my head. He used to ask for my opinion then ignore whatever I had to say now he doesn't he honestly listens. I told him once that when I ask for help it seems like I get blown off while friends and family is helped (now lately if I ask whether its extra $ or just him come take the girls he does what he can asap) He's told me if I have a problem with a friend of his feel free to tell that friend off including the ex-gf. One day I wasn't home he came in (he has a key incase something happens)saw the trash needed taken out so he did it and then left a short note saying he stopped by call when I can and signed it love me. I used to complain he never went out of his way to spend time with me alone well now he comes by before work for coffee in the am and if its not to late he'll swing by after work. Heck he even calls me when he's getting ready to leave the yard now which he never did before and I don't live with him. I guess we both have changed in these past 8 months for the better even if we don't get back together as a couple we at least are friends & talk comfortably with one another again . It used to be if he played to rough with the kids or I didn't like how he handled a punishment he'd say fine I won't have anything to do with them which irked me now we discuss things until we both feel comfortable with any decision.

One of our issues was I would loan out movies that he liked and considered just his which bothered him all the time recently I pointed out that things like movies or the phone I considered ours I would loan out but would write down titles and who took them yet his tools,clothes and hunting equipmnent which was clearly his I would never ever loan out..once I pointed out my way of thinking he took a step back and was like oh I didn't see it that way.

Any how to make a long story short yes he does see where he contributed and is making an effort just as I am.