Tired of my fiancee
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| Sun, 12-28-2003 - 10:22pm |
I have an odd question. I seem to be plain sick and tired of my fiancee. That is to say, we've been dating for 20 months now and it's always been good. We never fight about anything big, we agree often, he is the boyfriend that girls would wish they had.. putting me first ALL of the time, buying me things, putting up with my personality. lol. Also loving unconditionally and the guy doesn't even have a wondering eye like 98% of other guys do. If a sexy women walks by, they will gawk, but he doesn't!
For the past, Oh... I'd say 3 months he has been getting on my nerves. He hasn't changed, he is still the same way he was when I met him, gorgeous, sweet, hard working, caring, just amazing. Well, I've found myself less attracted to him in general. We haven't been intimate(aka sex) in over a month in a half to two months and I just don't even want his body near me most of the time. If we're at my house, I make him sleep in his room etc.
Two weeks ago we went on vacation for a week to the Dominican Republic. A trip that I hoped would re-light a flame that was dying to me. To make a long story short, it didn't. We had a good time, but my love for him is dying and I see him more as just a really good friend now. I don't know. It's how my mind is working for me.
He proposed to me in late july and after about a month of glee and excitement, I just got fed up. I don't want to leave b/c I love him and I know it's a big mistake, but I do b/c I'm still young... I am only 20!!! and I think I should experience more things.
I don't know what's going on with my mentality or what my problem is. I have a great guy and I am neglecting the fact. It's simple. I don't understand it. Please let me know what you think my problem is.
I don't go around checking other guys out, I don't have interest in other guys period, I simply feel like a HUGE loss of interest is over me and I just don't care at all anymore. How am I supposed to get married to someone if soon enough I might not even be able to look at his face. Am I selfish? I have no idea where this all is coming from... does anyone have any ideas/suggestions on what I should do to save or end this?

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Enjoy your 20's and date others and discover who you are and what you want in life.
I've invested alot of time and commitment into this relationship and I'm just supposed to bail out? I wanted someone to post something valid about my feelings, not tell me to dump his @$$.
Anyone else have anything ACTUALLY valid and thought-provoking to say?
Sorry ciao_gina, you were just cold.
To be completely honest with you I partially agree. I was married to a wonderfully great guy at twenty too. It didnt last. He's still a wonderful guy and father, but we just never worked that way. Once the great thrill of getting to know each other was over, it kinda just faded off. I cant say it was a mistake and I dont feel guilty. 12 years later we are still great friends and get along very well.... but still no attraction.
If your not at the point where you are ready to walk away, then you need to sit down and think about when exactly you felt this start. Was it after he proposed? Could it have something to do with the commitment? Im not saying your not committed already, but at any age marriage is a HUGE step. Some relationships just hit a stage where you do get kinda board. I understand that you went on vacation together and spent time just having fun - and that didnt help. Maybe some YOU time...time to remember all that good stuff about being with him.
The no sex thing is a concern.. .what does he think about all this. Even when Im sitting here bored to tears, I still want my so with me, near me. You need to put some thought into this. Could it be medical? Do you have a history of depression? Are you on meds? Some can really effect how your feeling in this area. And alot of other areas of your life too.
And dont think that just because you have invested your time, money, heart that it will be worth it in the end. Some things just DONT happen. It's not your fault, its not his.
So basically I cant really offer you advice, other then you need to spend some time with yourself and try and work this out ....what was the trigger? If your still feeling this way after you have reviewed all the above, maybe counseling? For you and as a couple..you can always tell him that you need this, for whatever reason. Otherwise he deserves to know whats going on and how your feeling.
Hope I helped some - good luck.
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
Keeping romance, attraction alive takes a willingness to do so - knowing what you want and need, like him planning surprises, telling you he loves you, doing the dishes, flirting with you, having fun with you, flattery, knowing what lifts your spirits, what makes you *feel* for another person isn't about how you feel about the other person so much as it is how you feel about yourself WHILE with the other person.
Reading material to consider before thowing in the towel:
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
The 10 Second Kiss, Ellen Kreidman
Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch
Carrie
I agree with alot of the points you all gave me now, such as the one on how "he makes ME feel" which the answer is: fabulous. I had little self-esteem before meeting him and he brought me right up. He tells me all of the time that I am beautiful and wonderful and that he wouldn't change a single thing about me, so he doesn't bring me down.
I have thought for awhile that indeed he was "too nice." He does walk on eggshells and even if we DO occassionally fight, HE will throw in the towel and just agree. I mean, what's the point of fighting right?
He puts my needs first 100% of the time and is devoted to our relationship a lot. I would give myself a little bit of time to think about "us" and what is going on and why I feel like I do at this very moment, but I'm exactly afraid that someone like that big-mouthed bi-otch bluewrite MIGHT snap him up. He doesn't like to be on his own which is stupid b/c I for one am very independant. It IS nice to have a man and a companion around, but I can do it all on my own.
My parents divorced when I was 1 1/2 and my mother was both mom and dad, we are well off, we are happy, career oriented and we are independant. I think that may be one of the only downfalls, that I emphasize my lack of needing someone ALL OF THE TIME.
It is interesting that someone asked about school/work etc. This is a factor that I have a problem with. I never did before, but now the more I think about it, the more I want to give him an ultimatum. Go to school, get a degree. I am in my 2nd year of University this year, he is a year older than me, graduated grade 12 and is satisfied. The thing is, he is the youngest of 3 and neither of his older sisters went to university so maybe it's a trend, but still.
As for depression... I have nothing my friends. I am happy, alert and just have a bit of a stubborn attitude. No one is without faults and I'm not saying that anyone is trying to bring me down but my "libido" and my "karma" are just fine. THank you.
As for physical intimacy, I was never much of a go-getter. I have a TINY sex-drive and I can live without it, ALL THE TIME. If he wanted to, I would give in, but I never actually want to have sex. Maybe once or twice, but that's not even with him, that's just anyone! Even if vin diesel wanted a go, I'd be like "uh uh buddy!"
So yea, I think time to reflect might be a good idea, but I DO respect him, or if I didn't I would be onto another man. I do love him, and I do cherish him... I'm just growing bored... he is my first everything and I want him to be my last but I simply don't know how to get that flame or that mutually equal love to come back... you know what I mean?
Btw, thank you for the book titles, I will take a look at them. :)
Also, do you think it is a good idea to post all of this personal stuff here and include your even more personal website (and your boyfriend's with the sexy girl pictures) on your profile????
Edited 12/30/2003 8:22:18 PM ET by sean_i_am
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