What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
What to do?
2
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:40am
Before i got married, i had been dating my husband for 11 years. We've been married for one year and 4 months. Around the sixth month of marriage, i found out he was cheating on me. Actually he had to tell me because he gave me an std. I also found out that the girl was a very young.(teenager) He tried to apologize and offered to buy me this and that. But I told him to that i didn't know how i could ever forgive him. During this time he was still at home, but one night he didn't come home at all. He did come home the next morning, we argued and i asked about his whereabouts, he denied being with her then. In addition, he started to leave saying that he had to leave to go to work and that we would finish our discussion later. Well, I went to work and when i got home that evening, all his belongings were gone, he left no note, nothing , no phone calls, nothing. I called his mom to ask her had she seen him, she said no. i didn't see or hear from him until about one week later when i begged his brother to give me the number to where he was at. I called the number and sure enough he was there, a girl answered the phone and i asked for my husband. He answered, i proceeded to ask him why after all the years that i stood by him that he didn't even have the decency to tell me that he was leaving to move in with her. I asked him to bring me the additional keys to my house because i noticed that while i was at work, he would come into the house and get things or just stay there but he would always leave before i came home from work. To make a long story short, My husband cheated on me, told me to my face that he didn't love me anymore and that he was in love with her, and that he felt sorry for me. He also stated that he had felt this way before we got married, but he thought getting married would make things work out.

Well, in about 4 months later, he came back to me, begging me back, calling me on my job. I eventually gave in and took him back because my love for him was so strong. I tried to look over everything. But now sometimes when i look at him i feel a strong sense of disgust. I sometimes want him to hurt as much or even more than i did. i try to be supportive but sometimes i feel like i'm living a lie. Recently, i been feeling like he doing the same thing. I start to see things now that i overlooked then. Such as He guards his cell-phone, he sometimes seems irritable around me but is happy around other friends and family. He would rather stay and hang out with friends than be with me. I actually had to argue with him over why he doesn't call me at night, because during our break-up i gave up the house, so we are basicly not living together in the same house. I am so distraught i don't know what to do. I am so hurt because tonight, he got a strange phone call on his cell phone while we were watching tv. The first time he answered the phone it was like he knew who was at the other end, and he was saying things out of the ordinary. He hung up and the person called again, I could hear faintly just by sitting near him that it was a female's voice on the cellphone. He then got up and went outside with the phone. i got up and asked him why did he have to go outside to answer the call. He said, someone is playing on the phone, and he was going to find out who. So i proceeded to ask him to let me see the number of the person who was playing on his phone because i was like we should report this to the police. So i grabbed for the phone, and he held on to it , i saw him push a button and then all of a sudden his phone goes dead, he was like, the phone won't come on. He then said that the phone was dead, then i was like let's just put it on the charger and see what the last number called was so we both could find out who was playing on the cell phone. He then said the charger was torn up to that phone, took the chip out of it and then put it in another phone. So that's why i so upset. I feel like i am going to lose my mind. I feel in my heart that he was protecting that number because he knew that i would call it if i saw it on his caller id and find the truth. Am I overreacting? Am I right to feel this way? Please give me your opinion on this matter anybody.

Hurt and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: sillverstar
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 4:56am
It sounds as though your relationship (or trust, I should say) is pretty much damaged beyond repair. Your husband is continuing to be dishonest - and you know it - of course it was a girl, or 'the' girl - it doesn't really matter though - how are you ever going to trust him and staying with him as he continues to lie is just going to make YOU feel bad about yourself and your relationship.

I say you take a break, heal yourself and tell your husband it's over for now, maybe down the line you can fix things, maybe not - but you need to protect yourself and living with somebody who has betrayed you and continues to lie to you having put you through so much devastation is not good for you. Concentrate on yourself a building a life that doesn't include him.

I am sorry for your pain.

Peace and good wishes - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: sillverstar
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 2:05pm
I agree with Pebbles.

Your husband hasn't changed that much. He's still dishonest, still lies, still hides things and is PROBABLY cheating again.

Most couple's can't rebuild after an affair unless they go to counseling and both people are committed to rebuilding the relationship.

I suggest you go to counseling, right now, without him - it will give you a save place to vent your feelings, sort through your options and help you rebuild your self-esteem.

Reading material to consider (depending on how things go)

Romantic Deception: The Six Signs He's Lying by Sally Caldwell Ph.D.

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

My best to you on your healing path.


Carrie