Does xbf want to get back together?????
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Does xbf want to get back together?????
| Mon, 12-29-2003 - 9:48am |
I've been on this board before and I have some questions. I was involved in a serious relationship with a guy for almost 4 months. We lived an hr. apart and things were going really good between us. He broke up with me back in September and we still remained friends and saw each other about 5 times since the breakup. We still talk on the phone and are friends and have gone out since then. He came down two weeks ago and we went out for dinner and it went really good. Then he talked about going away for a weekend skiing and I said o.k. For Christmas, he gave me an hr. massage gift certificate. Then he invited me to come to his place for New Years Eve and go out. He has been calling me alot lately and we have our long conversations. I'm afraid to ask him what his intentions are. The last time I asked him what was going on and told him I missed him, he told me I was making more out of it than what it was. I know he still cares about me and we are good friends and have great sex. What does all of this mean? I had been dating another guy for the last month 1/2 and it's not that serious. I don't know what to think about the x. I still love him and was very happy with him. Does this seem like he wants to get back together with me? I don't want to get heartbroken again over him, it took me over 2 months to get myself over it. I need some advice here.

If you feel that you cannot ask, I'd suggest you might have some self-esteem issues at play here, since you should be able to feel comfortable asking where you stand and you should be more interested in protecting YOUR heart then you are interested in not wanting to scare him off. If he is serious about you than these questions will NOT scare him off.
So scared or not - ask him!
Peace - Pebbles
I'd be totally honest and say something like: 'It's been great hanging out with you again, but ultimately I'd like to be in a committed relationship so if you don't see that as a possibility in the future for us than I need to know...'
Just remember though - if you don't think your worth it - why should he? Work on the self-esteem issues and remember they are far more important than any relationship with regards to your long term emotional health.
Peace - Pebbles
I know I'm rambling but my point is this - if you want more, then first you have to convince yourself that you're worth more, and you ARE!! Then let him know that you want a relationship with him. If he says that you're making too much out of it, then tell him you need to move on and that you can't be friends with him until you've been on your own and established some space and distance from him. You can't move on and find someone worth your while if he's playing with your feelings. Write it all down if you can't bring yourself to say it out loud.
But honestly, I think you're afraid to ask because you already know what he's going to say.
I feel your pain and I hope you find yourself and work on your self-esteeem. Until then, post here for support anytime.
Karen, I know I've said this to you before but I want to remind you of two things:
1.
there's your answer. he's getting the milk for free. he has no need to buy the cow. if he's getting everything he wants, why bother?
i don't necessarily think you should have a "talk" with him. actions speak much louder. besides, what are you going to hear? it's only gonna be one of two things. "yes, i want to continue our relationship" or the other option which is a lot of tedius words of explanation that don't mean much.
what i'd probably do is stop having sex with him and end the phone conversations first and be chipper and go about your business. if he calls you and wants to go somewhere or do something, that's fine - go. but don't have visits that end up in the spot of you two having sex. he's getting to talk to you, see you when he wants, have sex with you when he wants.... uh, ...? this is a man we're talking about, and if he wanted a relationship with you, he would tell you. assume right now he doesn't and ACT accordingly. if you don't want to have sex and he asks why, blame it on "girl stuff" or something... keep all of this light but behave differently.
don't have long, drawn out needy female talks!!!!
you know what you'll get if you have some kind of talk - just more words and "stuff" to mull over in your head, when all the while, nothing is changing. if you act the way you want him to treat you and if you behave in a manner that will facilitate you get answers, it will be much more conclusive and you will have peace of mind with this. i'd try this tact for a few weeks and see how he reacts...
you will never know if he will be different on his own if you force the issue. if he is truly interested in having you as his girl again, then he will have to buck up and show her, right? as humans, we don't value things we don't earn - men are like this with the affections of women. so don't make it too easy for him.
it's YOUR attitude that will get you answers from this. he already knows you'd get back with him... it's just too easy for him, honey. you're being too available.
what i'm suggesting may sound like "game playing" to some, but i've learned that words are only words sometimes but when they are borne of a motivation that he deems worthy, you will know if he is sincere. that, i believe, is how you will learn of his "intentions" toward you. it's another strategy for finding the answer to, "so what do you really want, buddy? Yes or no?"
OR...if that idea sucks to you... you can always say to him one day, in person, out in public, after meeting him somewhere and not driving together... you can say, "honey, i like you a lot and i know you like me, too, but I want a relationship with a good man. We shouldn't see eachother until we both get our heads on straight about what we want here with eachother... so why don't you call me when you've figured it out, ok?" Keep it simple and brief. Oh, and look really good while you say it, ok? haha
OR.. if that idea sucks, you can say, "honey, what are your intentions here with us?" (and he'll inevitably say 'what do you mean?' and it'll become this long discussion in which he decifers everything you say and picks and chooses as you go along discussing your "feelings")...
and then *quickly* kiss him goodbye and wait to see what he's made of. you'll know when he means it. and if he doesn't, you didn't want him anyway. we don't chase any man.