Ready to take the next step....
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 02-05-2004 - 12:29pm |
I've been with my bf off and on for a little over a year and a half now. We've had some problems in the past due to dishonesty etc. The past 6 months have been bitter/sweet for us. We've become closer than ever before and things are starting to move in a certain direction but I really don't know where that's going to lead. We still have problems that need to be worked out both individually and as a couple.In recent times I've expressed to him that I need more than he is giving me as far as plans for our future etc.In all the time we've been together he's never flat out said that he loves me. He has said it back to me a couple of times after I said it to him. But that was months and months ago. If I mention anything to him about it he says I love you in a lot of ways or I love you in my own way or I have really strong feelings for you. He always says that love and marriage are a big responsibility and a big step so he doesn't want to lead anyone(me) down that path if he's just not sure. I can totally understand that(i think). Yet, like i said I've expressed to him that I need more and that it's ok if he doesn't feel those things for me but that it's just what I need and that I can't help it. He just keeps pointing out the changes that he's made and the things that are happening positively now and all those things are great but I still need to be told "I love you" I still need to know that he does see a future with me and I still need more of a commitment from him aside from just "dating manogamously".
He says that I need to be more patient and that I want too much too soon. I don't know if this is true or not. It's funny because when we were having serious problems in our relationship like him cheating etc. he would always be the one to say that we should just call it quits and that it wasn't going to work out and he didn't love me. At the same time he was always the one to take the first steps in getting us back together. Now, I'm the one who's always saying hey maybe it's just not meant to be and he always says no that's not true. He says he feels closer to me than ever before and that he feels like getting stronger as a couple & stuff but what does this all mean??? He used to actually come right out and say that he didn't love me and that there is no future here and no marriage etc. He even said that as recent as 5 months ago. Now, whenever I say what about those things you said? He tells me that things have changed and he doesn't feel that way anymore. That's all well and good and I'm really glad to hear that those things have changed but why wasn't I informed?? And why don't we talk about the changes? Why don't I know about all these new found feelings he has for me that only become important when I'm on the verge of saying goodbye to him?
The thing is that I don't even feel like I give my all to him at this point because I'm so used to him telling me that we don't have a future so my guard is up. I don't want it to be but it is. I want to give freely to him but I need for him to open up to me about his feelings. It seems like major changes have been taking place with us and while I kinda sense them these are not things I just want to make assumptions about. I need confirmation. I'm afraid though that if I bring it up he's going to get scared and take it all back and then we'll be right back where we started. What do I do? I love him very much and I know that he loves me too but I need to hear it and I need some consistancy. I also need to know where we're going. I just don't want to ruin things though. Especially when they're going so good for us right now. We just got back from a 10 day vacation yesterday. It was a gift that he had given me for christmas and it was magical! We got to be alone for 2 weeks and we had a wonderful time together. I would love to spend the rest of my life with this man but if that's not going to happen I just need to know so that I can start making other arrangements for myself and my life.
Thanks everyone,
Teemie

Carrie
Any advice?
Teemie
Take this for whatever its worth. Its only one person's opinion. Sounds to me like he's just not ready to go "there". My beau just ended our amazing relationship...well..amazing when he wasn't backing away scared...its been 10 days and it hurts like hell..however...
I see the same sort of signs in your guy. Although you want to "hear the words", just remember that actions speak louder than words.
I suggest that if you are eady to tie the knott with this guy, then you sure as heck should be comfortable enough to say: sweetie, I need to talk to you about something, how's tomorrow night at 7pm?. Then you simply tell him what your needs are and what your expectations/hopes are for this relationship. Then you ask him about his. Where does he see this relationship going? He may know..and be afraid to tell you, or he may not honestly know. If he hasn't a clue, I would back away and let him know that he can contact you when he figures it out. Meanwhile, keep living.
Its tough I know...but I'm finding out one day at a time that its do-able.
Good luck
Claire.
Hmm, after re-reading your post I'm not sure how to approach him...I mean he's already said:
::He says that I need to be more patient and that I want too much too soon.
::He tells me that things have changed and he doesn't feel that way anymore. That's all well and good and I'm really glad to hear that those things have changed but why wasn't I informed?? And why don't we talk about the changes? Why don't I know about all these new found feelings he has for me that only become important when I'm on the verge of saying goodbye to him?
So when he said things have changed, why didn't you ask more questions? But you are right, he could be sensing you pulling away. When you are just sitting say "Penny for your thoughts." See if he will talk.
::The thing is that I don't even feel like I give my all to him at this point because I'm so used to him telling me that we don't have a future so my guard is up. I don't want it to be but it is. I want to give freely to him but I need for him to open up to me about his feelings. It seems like major changes have been taking place with us and while I kinda sense them these are not things I just want to make assumptions about. I need confirmation. I'm afraid though that if I bring it up he's going to get scared and take it all back and then we'll be right back where we started. What do I do? I love him very much and I know that he loves me too but I need to hear it and I need some consistancy. I also need to know where we're going. I just don't want to ruin things though.
Take him for a walk and tell him basically what you said here - I think things are good between us right now, I know we have separate and combined issues to still work on. I just wanted your input on how you thought things are going? (Then let him talk - if he's vague, ask more questions). I was wondering if couple's counseling might help us resolve those issues because at times I feel that I have my guard up and I want that to go away. How do you feel about us for the short term? For the long-term? (again let him talk, if he will). If he won't then tell him that you've been afraid to bring all this up because things are good, but you aren't feeling secure about where the two of you go from here as you haven't heard a status report (make a joke out of it).... if at any time things get strained, then drop it, but approach the couple's counseling idea as a way to bridge the communication issues.
My best to you.
Carrie