Confused
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Confused
| Thu, 02-05-2004 - 1:45pm |
My son(13) and I met this man in Sept of 2003. He is single, never been married. We hit it off from the start, all 3 of us. He has been going thru the process of adoption (he hasn't adopted, really bonded with my son). He was really showing signs of being interested in me and we were taking it slow. In December he backed off and then we had a discussion. He felt that he was not ready for a romantic relationship. He was not willing to take the risk of losing my son's love. He knows I am interested in more but says he is just not ready to take that next step. He is at our home daily and we have the perfect relationship except for romantic involvement. He will do anything for me and complains that I don't ask him to do enough. He wants everything except a romantic involvement. He talks of being around for a lifetime. (he is not gay, proven) He helps with my son tremendously and they love one another. Guess the dilemna here is me...there are days I can't take it. I cannot break the relationship between my son and this man because it is too important to my son's well being. I have told him that I plan to move on with my life. We go places together and everyone thinks we ARE together. What gives with this situation and what do I do?

Having been raised by a single mother I can certainly understand your son's attachement to this man.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
well. i was in a similar situation, but i did marry the guy, and we never ever had a "romantic" (AKA sexual) relationship from day one. and he had many many many many other problems, as i am sure your guy has. and i am now in the process of geting divorced. and i can assure you that because of all his OTHER problems - the relationship between him and my son went from bad to worse to terrible. and my STBX also went thru the whole "i want to adopt him" rigamole (thank GOD i never went thru with that)...
the first question is - what are YOU looking for in a relationship (any relationship)?? are you looking for a partner, who will ALSO be a step father? or are you just looking for a step father for your son? IF you are only looking for a step father for your son - then you have the perfect guy. if you are looking for a "package deal" then you need to FIRST seek out
You need to tell your fella that you while you appreciate the 'Big Brother' role he is taking in your son's life, since he has no intention of pursuing a romantic relationship with you, you think you think it's in both your's and your son's best interest that his visits are with the boy, not the three of you, and they need to be weened to more of a 'Big Brother' schedule ie) couple hours, once a week?
In a couple years, your son will be so busy he probably will not have much time for either of you. What are you two going to do with each other then? I'm sure your son does not expect you live in a fake, loveless relationship just so this old guy will come over everyday, for his benefit. You are putting that guilt/responsibility on yourself.
Make a list of what *you* want in a relationship. If you know ahead of time, you'll recognize it when you see it. This, clearly is not it.
Best wishes and keep looking up^,
Susan.