Not a MIL issue after all
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| Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:09pm |
AT first I thought I had a MIL issue, but now I'm begining to think differently. Since my post on Dealing With In-Laws, my DH and I have had another discussion and he just got very angry, didn't care how I felt, told me to tell someone else about it & that I wasn't trying to solve problems, just create them.
Here is my original post on Dealing with In-Laws
My BIL called last week to invite us to his house for the Superbowl. He got a new big screen TV and wanted us to come see it. We agreed. He called to see if we were still coming and I said "Yes". He then told me that his mother, my MIL was also coming.
I hate it when BIL invites them. They don't care about the game, won't watch it and won't let us watch it either. BIL spends ALL of his free time with MIL. It makes me sick. At any rate, I told my DH that I'm not sure I want to go to BILs house. He asked me if it was because his mother was going. I lied and told him no.
When we got there, 2 other Portuguese speaking people were there. They've never watch football before. It sounded like I was in another country with all the Portuguese speaking that was going on.
I am at my breaking point with these people because they switch off from English to Portuguese whenever they feel like including me.
My husband & I arrive just in time for the game. MIL, SIL, BIL are not paying any attention to the game.... What a surprise. My DH told me that "it's just a game"!! I told him that I really wanted to watch it...
Anyway, I knew MIL would have a BIG PROBLEM with me watching the game. She tried whenever possible to distract me from the game by making stupid converation about moving to Florida with her when she wins the lottery. blah blah blah SAME OLD CRAP!!
She told me that she wants to take a class to learn HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH. I told her that the best way to learn is to commit herself to speaking English in her everyday life. She told me that it's her husband's fault.. He always speaks Portuguese. She asked me if I could register her for a class at the community college. I told her there weren't any at the local college and they she had to check with a Labor Board or some local organization.
I then told her how frustrating it was for me to not understand alot of the conversations that take place. I explained that although I'm learning the language academically that I had a long way to go and that sometimes it feels that she and the rest of the family don't like me enough to speak English when I'm around. I also told her I feel left out, like an outcast.
She agreed that she needs to speak more English. BTW, she speaks pretty good. All my friends and family think it's a crock of bull that she won't speak English for me and swear she does it to piss me off.
Anyway, the rest of the night, she spoke Portuguese. After everything I said, she didn't care once again. Even my BIL & SIL speak Portuguese too.
The next day I tried to speak with my DH about what happened. He was within earshot and said he heard it all. He thinks that I was very rude to his mother. He thinks that I'm trying to change somthing that I cannot change and that I was too abrasive.
I told him that it's been building up inside. He said he could tell. He doesn't want to talk about it and feels that I am not looking for a solution and that all I want to do is complain.
I feel hopeless because I am beginning to resent his entire family becuase they KNOW that I'm feeling left out, I've expressed this to them. They all work in English speaking workplaces and speak just fine with their English speaking friends.
It hurts me that DH doesn't want to discuss this. It hurts me that he won't ask them to speak English for me. It hurts me that he takes their side all of the time. It makes me very angry when he tells me they can't speak English well....

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Yes, it is common to speak the "common" langugage when in a group. However, if the entire group but you is fluent in Porteguese - hon, they ARE speaking in the common language.
If they're doing it to intentionally not include you - he can't make them stop. He could always respond in English....if he wanted to go that far.
But this doesn't sound like a situation you can fix. If nobody prioritizes you - except you - then nobody will accommodate you, except you. In which case, I just wouldn't go there to be shunned and ignored.
And I wouldn't fight with your husband about it either, you don't feel comfortable there, you're not saying he can't go when he wants, you're just saying you're not going.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
If you want to truely be a part of the family with respect for their heritage then YOU should enroll in a class and learn Portuguese. Its called HONOR!
I'm not surprised they showed limited interest in Superbowl as it is American Football. My guess is that the next time the World Cup of Football (soccer) is on this family will be very active in watching and participating as it is more likely to be part of their culture. Will you be a willing participant out of RESPECT for their interests?
You have more obligation than they to fit into their cultural roots rather than expecting an entire family to change for your sole benefit. Your husband's world may revolve around you, but his family's doesn't.
It is REALLY disrespectful of her family to speak nothing but Portugese around her, she is trying to learn the language, but to have an entire room full of people speaking a foreign language and ignoring you is completely wrong.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
And I do understand. I work in a company (in France) where I am the only English speaking person in the company - they all CAN speak English fluently, because it's an American company, but they don't, because they are French, so that's what they speak. Should I expect a whole bunch of people to speak to me in my language, or should I buckle down and learn their language so I don't feel left out anymore? I've chosen the latter, and though it was very difficult at first, over time, I'm understanding more and speaking more - and they don't mind speaking to me in English on occasion when I don't understand, but I don't expect it, and I think that's part of the reason they don't mind doing it. But they don't do it very often at all and sometimes I'm lost and don't have a clue what's going on. But I don't think they are doing it to be spiteful or nasty or rude, or anything negative. They are just more comfortable communicating in their own language.
Come-on, time to grow up - be pro-active, not reactive.
Peace - Pebbles
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
You know what, my sister has MIL issues, and she'll make a harmless comment from her MIL sound like a vicious attack. In my opinion, when you marry into a family you have to accept a few quirks and challenges.
The family that she's married into is different culturally - how do you know that they are being malicious in their intent? You don't. You are making that assumption and you are choosing to support the 'all I'm doing is trying to be a good DIL and look what they are doing to me..'
She cannot change the way that THEY operate, she can only change the way SHE reacts to it.
Peace - Pebbles
gandalf_grey - I am so glad that you understand my situation. It is VERY hard for me to try to fit into this family. I'm taking classes to learn the language right now. They don't even seem impressed, care or want to help me learn. I've asked my DH to translate every single word they say so that they will eventually realize that I am part of this famiy. The odd guy out should be accomodated. Ask Miss Manners...
I feel that I am one of these wives that put my DH and his families feelings before my own. I'd like to be in a marraige where if my in-laws speak in their language, my husband will stop..translate for me and then answer them in their language. Therefore, I am included in the conversation and they realize that my husband has respect for my feelings and wants me to know what is being said. Basically, it's called "RESPECT", and I feel my DH has to lead the pack in order for the others to follow along.
While I feel that YES I am a complainer and I want them to change for me. I am also trying. I'm taking a class... I've shut up about it for 6 years and finally after having heart to hearts with each of my DHs family, they continue to NOT CARE that I feel like the odd girl out.
THEY LIKE IT THIS WAY. THEY WANT IT THIS WAY...IT SUITS THEIR NEEDS AND PURPOSES, THIER VALUES JUSTIFY IT ON THEIR PART.
They don't want to include you - now, they may not be going out of their way to disassociate you - but it may be that if you fit in great and if you don't - it's your problem.
But dynamics pervade because values are consistent even though situations change. They do not prioritize including you - including your husband.
The second that you stop viewing this as a battle that you can win...and accept it as a war that you have lost....you'll see more options within it that don't require you to subject yourself to more rejection while you incur massive amounts of negative emotions.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
My DH and his family are very close. He would never go to visit them without me because then they would wonder WHAT'S WRONG!!
Outside of these issues, my marriage is great. I only go visiting with my DH's family for his sake. I was hoping that he would also help me out by either having a talk with them or translating for me.
The thing that is really upsetting is to watch this family go out of their way for their English speaking friends. They put in the extra effort for those people. They even put more effort into speaking English when my DH and I were dating.
Since I can't change them, you are right, and since it seems that this suits them just fine, I have to learn to deal with it in other ways.
Any suggestions on how to get my DH to buy into not visiting with him when he sees his family?
Realistically and in all cases...there is you as an individual (your needs, your happiness, your goals, your success and security - all yours to define and pursue and fulfill per your values) and there is him as an individual (with all the same as in the previous set of parathenses). The relationship is an entity - it's not an individual. It's not greater than either of you - and is only as strong as the two of you in tandem (not individually if one of you is stronger, or more secure or more successful - the other person won't be those things by default of affiliation).
Great relationships are based fundamentally in a dynamic of equality, mutual benefit, honest communication with shared values, priorities, and standards...it allows your individuality to be enhanced -because you each share the same things in fundamental ways, while allowing you to branch off in particular aspects so that there is personal fulfillment, satisfaction, and awareness.
If your relationship looks like this, was founded on this principle and in this dynamic...it's not going to be hard to explain (and it might not have ever been explained this thoroughly to him before, so don't expect the worst) that you as an individual based on your perception of what goes on when you visit "feel" disrespected. While feelings are not facts, goals or calls to action - they're real and they affect you in every regard.
So, while up to now you've visited them in conjunction with him because a) you prioritized HIS desire for you to do that despite your "feelings" about the situation as it plays out on site...you're now required in order not to damage the relationship or your own individuality (which would definitely damage the relationship if you're not who you were in the beginning) not to visit them, except on "special occasions."
That you understand that he wants to visit and you encourage him to do it. That on special occasions (which those are going to have to be agreed on between you two as to what those are) you'll be there, and you won't resent being ignored, or dismissed or disregarded because you'll be there by your own choice, based on HIS desire to do that. That is you - meeting his request without resentment even though it causes you emotional upheaval temporarily.
In return, all the rest of the time, he can visit them as he wishes, without your presence, and he won't be in the uncomfortable position of dealing with your negative feelings as a result of being there, nor will he be called upon to constantly translate or look after you while he's there. And while that MIGHT cause him some emotional unrest initially when being questioned about your absence - he can deal with it in his own way and this is him - meeting your request without resentment, even though it might cause him some emotional unrest temporarily.
That's compromise. Great relationships are founded on it, negotation requires it.
Where you might hit a glitch or a brick wall is entirely dependent on the dynamic in your relationship up to now.
The dynamic you're in was sought because of what it is....and it's remained becuase you both sought it and are comfortable in it - even though it may be highly or slightly chaotic.
What you're used to is what you seek, even if you detest the results that are continously found within that environment and dynamic based on your reasoning patterns and expectations. Generally if the result you're trying to get is never gotten it's because you don't understand rationally and factually how to get that result. It would require you to step outside of the emotionally comfortable pattern and up to now you've been unwilling to do that. You only forgo that pattern...by personally recognizing the pattern, realizing it is going to cause great emotional heaval within you to break the pattern...and quite often doing what "feels wrong or scary" while doing what the situation factually requires that you do to reach the result you're trying to reach. That's very difficult while in a relationship. (it's why addict/enablers split up, and it's why people that "mature" in a relationship that they got into at a young age often end in divorce).
Before I go further, the reason dynamics pervade in relationships and in people's relationships in their lives in every capacity is because....people do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities and standards justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine their character,conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue. So at all times, people are doing what they want to do, what they reason is correct to do - to reach their desired result.
If up to now, the prevailing dynamic in the marriage has been that you concede (not compromise) and he gets his way in most situations, circumstances, and issues....what you're going to be faced with when you want compromise....is refusal.
If he'd have wanted to compromise - he'd have gotten into a relationship where compromise was required and available in the beginning, when you two met. He'd have considered your needs and expectations equal to his and compromise would have been the order of the union without you having to request it.
And if you had wanted a relationship where compromise was important to you because you had goals and needs and desires that were fully defined, instead of being situationally dictated, you'd have broken up with him when you found out concession is all he would tolerate.
Not say that you're in a primarily one-sided dynamic...just pointing out if you are it is going to take both of you agreeing that you're both going to change not "what you want" in terms of individual - but how you deal with one another as a couple. And with the full scale knowledge that neither of you are ever going to get your way 100% - unless it is a totally mutual decision 100%. Meaning, at all times there is going to initially be for a few years, some emotional "flux" in how you feel about each other and situations, because you'll be restructuring the dynamic to learn that you're both equal partners, both mutually required to benefit, and both communicating honestly without resentment, fear, anger, or regret.
So, would you say that up to now....the relationship has been primarily a one-sided beneficial situation. Not that he's not contributing financially or anything like that. I mean, have you been working for HIS goals, and have you been living by his standards and values nad priorities to keep him happy so that you'd have a partner? IF so, he's going to fight this change in dynamic because you're going to be asking him to accept and engage in a dynamic that does not allow him to get what he has now - which is primarily his way 100% of the time.
Any thoughts, if I can help, let me know.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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