Living Together After TWO Months

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Living Together After TWO Months
10
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 2:30pm
I have been dating my Boyfriend for two months and we just moved in together...actually, he moved in with me. Definitely rushing things, but he didn't have any other place to live. Ever since he moved in we have been fighting. We start to discuss something or I say something and he jumps down my throat. He seems to always be on the defensive and nothing I say or do is right. I know it's going to take some adjustment living together, but we seem to be at one anothers throats all the time. What can I do to stop the fighting and get on the right track because we do love each other?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 4:25pm
I suggest you tell your BF to back off, get his own place and start over with the relationship. It is not acceptable that he feels he can 'jump at your throat' for no reason. He needs better anger management. While it is true that living together takes adjustments, verbal aggression is not something you should put up with. It will hurt you immensely in the long run. You already have this feeling that 'nothing you do or say is right'.

Notice: I am an angry person myself by inclination, and sometimes I really, really feel like snapping at my BF. Guess what: I just shut up and start doing something else to distract myself. When i am calmer, we talk. If I am angry, it is my problem more often than not, and I have no right to take it out on him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 5:46pm
Kick him out!!!

What a terrible way to begin a relationship. I realize he has nowhere to go but since when is that your problem? Why does he have no place of his own and why can he not get a place of his own? You let him in YOUR place and he treats you like THAT???? And you say you two are in love? How do you know that? Two months isn't even that long to know you are actually in love. Falling in love, perhaps, but already in love? I say it's still in the lust stages and lust can easily be confused for love.

I don't mean to come down hard on you but when I read your post it really hit home with me. I had a boyfriend over ten years ago, who had nowhere to live so he moved in with me when we were together all of about a month. He disrespected me, cheated on me, didn't contribute financially and it was just such a bad situation. Three kids and almost nine years later I finally had enough of the mistreatment and misery. We tried to make it work but never had a chance because we did it all wrong. Now, to this day, the man is always getting with women who will take him in cuz he has nowhere to go. He recently got kicked out of his last girlfriend's home and is currently homeless.

Just be careful and I strongly advice you that if you want this to work, make him move out!!!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 4:51am
Take it from somebody who's done what you are doing. Big mistake. You still don't know this person (however much you think you do) and you are now getting a taste of the real him and you don't like it. You don't love him - you love the idea of what he represents, because what's to love about a verbally abusive man? You love the possibility of a long-term relationship, which is why you would allow him to move in after such a short time.

I ended up marrying the boyfriend who moved in. It was an utter diaster. Why? Because I didn't know him, and by the time I finally did, we were already married, so I was trying to make a relationship that should never have progressed beyond dating and friendship, work. It didn't... We didn't have the same values, or morals or ideas about how to achieve goals, etc..

You don't know this man AT ALL - you only know the tale he has told you of who he is and now you are beginning to find out about the 'real' him and you don't like it.

The fact that he has nowhere to go (neither did mine at the time) is also a red flag - why doesn't he have a place to go? Most self-responsible people do not find themselves without accomodation.. On the otherhand, a lot of irresponsible men with no sense of appropriateness take what they can get and do as little as they can to get what they want.

This is a recipe for disaster. You don't love this man - you don't know him well enough to love him (trust me - been there, done that, bought the t-shirt). Get him to move out - if he truly loves you, then he will honor your request and you can go back to dating which is far more appropriate for this stage of your relationship. If he gives you grief and makes threats to put an end to the relationship - well then you'll know you made a lucky escape.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 5:12am

"adjustments" to living together are usually about things like taking out the garbage, changing (or not) the toilet paper, snoring, money, etc. you say you are fighting all the time - that sounds like you need to adjust the RELATIONSHIP first.


yes, moving in after two months is not a good idea. and i think you realize this already. his moving in because he had no other place to go is not a good idea either.


just out of curiousity - why did he have no place to live? who is paying for this place (rent, utilities, food)? who is doing the house work and chores? also - what is the nature of the fights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 10:43am
He didn't have anywhere else to live? Meaning he has no steady job, no savings, no family or friends, no emergency funds - and you're wondering why you two are fighting?

Relationships based in need have "power" as a base. He "needs" to live with you or else where would he be? Obviously somewhere he doesn't want to go. You two moved in during infatuation - all you two knew was that how the other person's desire for you (primarily sexually) made you feel about yourself - you loved that feeling and couldn't get enough of it.

That's not negatively impactive, it's not objective and discerning as to character. But cohabitation is impactive. Values justify behavior. You two didn't know one another except in terms of "how great i feel about me when you're around becuase you desire me so".

You've taken "desire' right out of the equation - he NEEDS to be there or else he'd be somewhere he doesn't want to be. So now there is the perception of power...and there is conflict...and the conflict is escalating as you find out you don't share values, standards and priorities...which was probably evident in the disparity of lifestyle you two led, but YOU were not dealing with that fact during infatuation.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:36am

Well, it might have been too much too fast. Sounds like the intimacy and intensity is more than both of you are ready to handle. Rather than keeping this going and continuing to live together, it's probably a better idea for him to move out - so you can slowly date and see if you are right for each other. Right now, it doesn't sound like it. At any rate, you are finding out a great deal about him and yourself right up front. If you both do really want to work things out - you'll probably need some outside counselling to help you with communication, mutual respect and ways of being that are harmonious. I don't know if you're ready for this?? Be true to yourself whatever you do.


All good wishes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:17pm
He had to give up his apartment because of his roommate. I am paying the bills right now...EVERYTHING....and I am doing most of the house work. I know, I'm an idiot!!! The fights are stupid...he flips out if I tell him I don't like the fact that he's so picky about how I rub his damn back. It's horrible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:22pm
Thank you all for your advice. Unfortunately, every says that he should move out. I wish there was a way to work through all of this and make the relationship work. AND, there isn't a lot of intimacy right now since all we were doing was fighting, so I know it's not lust because I definitely don't lust after him right now. I want to ring his neck most of the time! haha
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 6:31pm
Well if you aren't liking what we have all had to say and you are looking for a valid reason to keep him around then you must not be that desperate to improve the situation.

I don't know how old you are or how experienced you are but I just have to tell you that if you don't make him move out and you continue to keep putting up with this crap, you are gonna look back on your life and regret this. BIG TIME!!!! Time goes so quickly and if we waste it on people and situations that aren't good for us we lose our opportunity to realize some of our dreams. And only when it's too late do we see this. You have a chance here....take it!!!! And who knows, things might improve between the two of you once he's out of there!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-07-2004 - 8:07am
He needs to find another place to live, period, and you need to consider whether someone who has no place to live and then moves in with someone he knows only two months for financial reasons is a good bet for the long term.