I need advice from someone older & wiser
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I need advice from someone older & wiser
| Thu, 02-05-2004 - 6:21pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost seven years. We started out as neighbors, then friends, then we developed a very satisfying sexual relationship which led to a commitment. There is no abuse in our relationship, emotional, physical or otherwise. There has been no infedelity. We have never had the heart-stopping, butterflies in your stomach, dizzy love you see in the movies or hear about in songs. We have more the kind that comforts. The great thing is that we are still both very much attracted to each other, and our sex life has gotten more and more fulfilling over the years. I am 27 and he is 31.
We have broken our relationship off several times because he was convinced in the past that without that magical begining to our relationship I must not be "the one." I have had that feeling in previous relationships with other men and recognize that it doesn't last. I think what you are left with (if you are lucky) once the feeling fades is the kind of commitment that he and I have now. We are best friends and talk about everything except our relationship. He feels an incredible amount of guilt where I am concerned because he thinks he is holding me back from finding someone else. He also wonders if there is someone else out there for him.
We broke up in September because I am at the point where I want to get married and have children and he was still harboring these doubts about our relationship. I met someone else whom I liked and breifly dated. When he found out I was dating someone else he started having panic attacks. We talked about a lot of the issues in our relationship and he told me that he recognized that he wasn't happy with his life and he confussed that unhappiness in his life with being unhappy with me and our relationship. He promised to try to work on these issues if I would come back. We both decided that this would be our deal breaker, if it didn't work we would end it for good.
Well, after about five months I thought things were going well. A lot of the things I wanted him to do (like spend more time with me) he was making a real effort to do. We still were not communicating as much as I wanted us to, so I started asking him if something was wrong. I finnally got it out of him that he was still having all of these doubts about me being the one for him. I got angry and left him. I was thinking that if he doesn't know after seven years if I am the one that maybe I'm not.
He has been very upset since this happened. He has again said that he loves me and really wants to try to work things out. I have been reading up on clinical depression and he has every symptom of it. Maybe he needs time to deal with that as a seperate issue before we try to work things out. We really need help communicating about our relationship. We don't know how to talk about it, or our feelings. Should I go through the counseling and try to make it work, or should I let it go? I love him and I respect him and I want to be with him, but I don't want to get married and find out ten years from now that he is still wondering if I am the one for him.
Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? Does counseling really help? My close friends that I have talked to are divided and so am I, so I thought it would help to get the advice of someone who has gone through the same thing.
We have broken our relationship off several times because he was convinced in the past that without that magical begining to our relationship I must not be "the one." I have had that feeling in previous relationships with other men and recognize that it doesn't last. I think what you are left with (if you are lucky) once the feeling fades is the kind of commitment that he and I have now. We are best friends and talk about everything except our relationship. He feels an incredible amount of guilt where I am concerned because he thinks he is holding me back from finding someone else. He also wonders if there is someone else out there for him.
We broke up in September because I am at the point where I want to get married and have children and he was still harboring these doubts about our relationship. I met someone else whom I liked and breifly dated. When he found out I was dating someone else he started having panic attacks. We talked about a lot of the issues in our relationship and he told me that he recognized that he wasn't happy with his life and he confussed that unhappiness in his life with being unhappy with me and our relationship. He promised to try to work on these issues if I would come back. We both decided that this would be our deal breaker, if it didn't work we would end it for good.
Well, after about five months I thought things were going well. A lot of the things I wanted him to do (like spend more time with me) he was making a real effort to do. We still were not communicating as much as I wanted us to, so I started asking him if something was wrong. I finnally got it out of him that he was still having all of these doubts about me being the one for him. I got angry and left him. I was thinking that if he doesn't know after seven years if I am the one that maybe I'm not.
He has been very upset since this happened. He has again said that he loves me and really wants to try to work things out. I have been reading up on clinical depression and he has every symptom of it. Maybe he needs time to deal with that as a seperate issue before we try to work things out. We really need help communicating about our relationship. We don't know how to talk about it, or our feelings. Should I go through the counseling and try to make it work, or should I let it go? I love him and I respect him and I want to be with him, but I don't want to get married and find out ten years from now that he is still wondering if I am the one for him.
Has anyone out there been in a similar situation? Does counseling really help? My close friends that I have talked to are divided and so am I, so I thought it would help to get the advice of someone who has gone through the same thing.

I think you have put up with enough of his rebounding and indecisiveness for one lifetime.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
I agree with James. This guy is being wishy-washy, and frankly, who has time for that kind of drama?
If he's looking for butterflies-in-the-stomach, mad-sweep-you-off-your-feet feelings, he can find those pretty easily. It's called infatuation. Generally lasts about 3 to 6 months. After that, you're left with either nothing, or with the foundations of a mature relationship.
This guy doesn't sound like he's ready for a mature relationship.
So, tell him to scram and get out there and find "the one" for him. (anybody who believes that there's "the one" person out there who is "meant for them" isn't mature enough for an adult relationship anyway)
Meanwhile, find ways to be happy with you, because ultimately that's all that really matters. You're the only one who has to live with you 24/7.
While I agree that the type of relationship you describe is true love, I also think that his doubts are real to him. Counseling does help, but only if both of you want it to help, and only if you both share the same expectations about the outcome.
It seems to me that your friend panicked when he saw you with another man, and asked you to return in haste, and that he never had the opportunity to be alone and discover whether he wanted you back (without the presence of another man in your life).
To be fair, I think he needs time alone. I also think that you need to move on. You were strong enough to venture out into the dating world before, but next time, don't drop everything and come running to him. You never know, there could be a more suitable partner for you out there too.
Several of my friends tried eharmony.com for dating, and they are all thrilled by the candidates they have met. Best of luck and continue to be strong.