How can I get past what he said?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
How can I get past what he said?
1
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 2:04pm
I have a problem I could use some advice on, and I'm not really comfortable talking to any of my friends about it.

I absolutely love my boyfriend. He is an amazing man, and treats me so well. We've been together for 7 months, and recently had our first "real" fight. It started because I was trying something out I'd read about (probably on this site) - sending him racy IM messages. We're in a LD relationship, so I'm always trying to come up with ways to keep us close. Anyway, I was doing this & he cut me off abruptly, and that sparked the fight, as I was really confused by his action...not to mention hurt. During the course of the fight (I was upset because he'd hurt my feelings by just breaking it off so abruptly), he told me that when I started the messaging, he felt "backed into a corner," and knew "from the first comment that he was toast," because he'd be in trouble for stopping me.

I was so incredibly hurt by that - and, while we've fixed the relationship & made up, I can't seem to get my sexual self-confidence back...I'm suddenly very insecure about everything I say or do, worrying that he won't like it...and now that he won't dare to say anything if he doesn't like it. I can be hyper-sensitive anyway, and particularly in this area...but I just don't know how to get past it.

Some background: he was my first sexual relationship, and my first "real" relationship. So, I place a lot of my sexual self-confidence in his reactions to my behavior and his appreciation & enjoyment of me in that area of our relationship.

I've told him I was feeling this way, and he tried to reassure me...but it doesn't seem to be working. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for putting this behind me and getting back to being the sexy woman I was?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 2:55pm
I'm sure your boyfriend could've handled the situation better by saying something like, "I'm not really comfortable with this," but unfortunately his feelings of being backed into a corner caused him to panic and act irrationally. Don't feel bad. You tried something different, and it just wasn't his cup of tea. I'm sure he does some things that you don't particularly like, but you enjoy being with him anyway. You've only been dating for seven months and are still getting to know each other in a romantic setting, and during the course of future months will discover more of each other's likes and dislikes. Just chalk it up to discovering new things about each other and move on. By the way, kudos to you for trying something new.