I ended it
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| Mon, 02-09-2004 - 12:12am |
So I ended it on Friday and felt relief. In fact I feel a lot happier. But, naturally, there's a part of me that feels sad. I am very independent, run my own successful business, etc etc. But I'm getting to that stage of life (38 y/o) where I want to be in a good relationship and get married, have children etc. But now I wonder if it will happen. It just seems so elusive. And I'm feeling rather despondent that there are any good relationships out there. I know what I want in a relationship, so I guess that's a start. I was single for a very long time before I met him and I was so in love with him. It was really hard ending it and I put it off until I was very sure.
So how come it hurts and why do I feel so bad? Maybe I should have tried harder? I don't know. I did the right thing didn't I? It's no good staying in a bad relaitonship, right? I shoudl have got out sooner? Any reassurance would be most welcome.
Louise

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Now is the time to tell yourself and the universe that you deserve a good guy so that you don't attract another man that is bad for you.
I am posting one of your messages for others to see:
I received such fantastic advice from you all and, unfortunately, now need more! The same BF who has kept his ex around for six years yet she causes so many problems for us because she is hoping to get back with him and creates constant dramas......
He's now giving me more grief and I just don't know who's right and wrong. I live with my mother and she helped me buy our house. She is 77 and is a great lady, very easy to get on with and definitely not the interfering mother-in-law type. In fact all my sisters husbands have a great relationship with her! Except my b/f, he resents the time that i spend with her. I hate leavign her alone all the time so try to spend time with her as much as possible. I juggle both of them and spend abut four nights a week with my b/f and most of the weekend with him. The rest I spend with Mum, this leaves very little time for myself.
Tonight (Friday here in Australia) I'll be leaving work about 6pm and getting home at 6.30pm. I wanted to spend some time with mum, have a bath, etc etc and get to my boyfriends at 9pm. We're just staying in and he's cooking dinner. But he's now thrown a tantrum about me getting there at 9pm, he said it's too late to bother. Then he started carrying on that I don't spend enough time with him!
On top of all this, I run my own business which is very stressful adn demanding. I feel so drained. Mum is great but she does get lonely. But it's my b/f who causes the most grief. I said to him why doesn't he spend time at my place and he said he would (which is news to me!). So I said, well why not tonight? And he said he didnt' want to come over tonight (surprise surprise) because it's raining and he doesn't have a car. I replied that I wld pick him up just as I always do, but he doesn't want to. Yet he's giving me a hard time about getting to his place at 9pm.
A few weeks ago he three a major tantrum about me spending a couple of hours with my dogs and mum - about two hours! This is driving me nut. Is he being ridiculous?
Despite the fact that this guy didnt carry his own weight in the relationship, doesnt take away from the fact that you still cared for him..those are feelings that cannot be turned off like you can a faucet.
Take things day by day, getback in touch with old friends or starta hobby.Everything else will fall into place.Get to know YOU again because you cant possibly know what you want in smeone else if you dont even know yourself first.
Good luck,
hi and hugs! it willbe hard for a while, because no matter what - you still had feelings and you still had invested tme and effort into this relationship.
yes, there are "normal" relationships out there. I think its important to know WHO you are and to LOVE yourself first. if you love yourself - then you won't accept bad and unhealthy behavior from someone else.
good luck to you - take it easy...
What is wrong with me? I tried so hard to make it work. I put up with more crap than anyone ever should have and I know that's not the right thing to do. But I was committed. I wasn't coping with all the problems, but that's understandable. Only last week he was saying that he wanted us to get married etc etc. Then this morning he doesn't want to see me anymore.
What is wrong with me? Why am I not handlign this? Why am I such a mess and causing so much grief for myself? I must be the ultimate masochist. Why am I so confused and messed up?
yes, you did the right thing, and you know it in your heart. Now you are free for a man who will love you and respect you, instead of being tied up to a loser.
I am almost 38 years old, so i understand how you feel. I am in a relationship with someone I hope to marry soon (we are 'negotiating'). I am very very happy that I never married, because if I had I would not have met him. There is somebody out there for you, I am sure.
This guy is an abuser! Oh, I just hate him and what he did to you. Abuse is about control. I bet I already know several things about your relationship. You did all the work and it was never enough. He could never admit he did anything wrong and nothing was ever his fault. It was always yours or someone else's. I'm sure anytime you ever try to talk to him about anything that he did, no matter how trivial, he changed the subject and twisted it around so that you ended up appologizing. Probably, you've heard a million times that it's you with the problem, maybe even that you're crazy. How about that your lucky to have him? Did he put you down for long enough that you've started to believe his lies about what/who you deserve? It's BS! Don't believe it!
It was NOT YOU. It was HIM. He was the problem. He's an abuser and with them it's not about love, they choose to abuse to maintain the control. It's all about control. It would not have mattered how hard you tried or what you did. It would not have worked. They believe they are entitled to use us, to have us jumping through hoops for them. If we stand up or rebel, we'd be put back in our place. Who would treat someone they loved the way he treated you? Is that love? No WAY!
This on-line dating thing? He needs a new victim, quick. He'll have to condition a new one to take care of him and jump through his hoops. He will do the same thing to the next one. It had nothing to do with who you are and what you did or did not do. It wasn't you, it's him.
It is completely understandable that you are in pain and mourning the end of your relationship. Please ask your self to really think about what it is you are mourning. Is it him? That guy, who obviously could not care less for your feelings. He just thought it should be all about him and what he wants.
Sure, you did have some good times. That's what hooks us. It never stays good though.
Those good times gave you glimpses as to what life *could* be like if he were not an abuser. You fell in love with that dream. You built dream future around those glimpses. I think you are greiving the death of your dream of what might have been, not the reality of who he was. After all, he was an abuser.....and he'll never change.
You are so, so much better off without this guy. Please come and visit over on the recognizing and dealing with domestic abuse board. Confused and messed up is called 'crazymaking' over there and it's no wonder you feel like you do. You will be surrounded by an amazing group who know...we all know becasue we've been where you are.......please come and post with us......or just lurk and learn.
Keep looking up^,
Susan.
Today we had another fight and I'd told him that some people close to me think I should end it. Purely to hurt me he turned around and said that all of his friends, hell even his neighbours, said that he can do better than me! It shouldn't have hurt me so much but I have just fallen in a hole. He said it was exactly the same as me telling him that people close to me had advised me to end the relationship. But I truly did not tell him that to hurt him, I wouldn't do that.
Now I feel too scared to face people because obviously people have been saying that I'm not good enough. I am obvioulsy pretty sad and pathetic and people can see that. Oh god, I feel so bad. I can't think straight.
Louise
'you're ugly'
'well you're uglier!'
Silly and immature.
Don't let it wound you, you sound hurt enough already. You will get through this... Time is a great healer.
Peace and best wishes - Pebbles
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