Insecurity won't go away
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| Mon, 02-09-2004 - 3:33pm |
We stayed in touch--slowly at first, but soon we were talking almost everyday again. I did a bad thing and checked his e-mail in December and discovered that he'd been seeing someone out there since September. I immediately called him and told him I found out. It turns out that they only dated a few weeks before she moved back home (struggling actress herself), but they still talked on the phone and e-mailed. I was angry, but somehow we ended up talking about getting back together.
He visited for the holidays and while here, wrote her an e-mail telling her he was getting back together with me and could no longer have any contact with her. Then he moved back--not for me, but because his lease was up and he had nowhere to live out there (though he says I was part of his decision). I have so many nagging doubts now....How could he have moved on so quickly? Why did he say he was going to win me back and then start dating someone else weeks later? He wrote her these amazing love poems because she liked poetry...He has thrown them away, but I know they existed. How can I know he chose me for ME and not because she lives in a different state and he'd probably never see her again?
I feel like I was completely replaceable. I know he no longer talks to her. I know he moved back. But I still feel insecure. He used to be the one constant in my life--I KNEW he loved me. Now I'm not so sure.
How do these thoughts go away? And when will they, if they do?

I think you may just need some time away from this situation. You need to work through your own feelings and get over these insecurities and issues on your own. No amount of reassurance from him is going to quiet the nagging doubts you feel. You're bothered by what happened and you either need to work through it and leave it behind, or decide it's a dealbreaker and move on without him.
I have read that it's common for men to jump right into a new situation when one ends. They'd rather just create a diversion or have something else going on in order to avoid feeling the pain or thinking about the break up. Women like to analyze and replay things over and over (why? why? why?)-- men don't typically do that. They just go on with living and hope things turn out the way they want them to in the end. That's what I read, anyway. ;-)
One of my friends told me she read that, too, about men moving on quickly. I think she said it was in one of the Mars & Venus books. I like that theory. It gives me some comfort.
I do appreciate your thoughts. I've been pretty down about this....I feel like I'm working really hard to "win him back" when he was the one who messed up, and it makes me angry at myself. I threw him a surprise party with his family and friends when he returned, and then it was his birthday and I spoiled him...and I keep telling myself that HE should be doing stuff for ME. I don't know how it got to this point, where my self-worth seems to be fading. I love him, but I still worry that he just can't be alone and that's why he moved on to her so quickly and back to me so quickly after that. Ugh.