feeling even more insecurity....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
feeling even more insecurity....
5
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 5:34pm
Hi All,

I'm back and not feeling too good today. I still haven't had that talk with my bf yet and I'm even more afraid now than i was when i posted the first time about this. We got back from vacation on Tuesday of last week and ever since we returned he's been acting really strange toward me. I've seen him as often as usual since we've returned but it's like he really doesn't want to talk to me on the phone or email with me anymore. Before we left for vacation we emailed everyday from work. We also talked on the phone at work at least once a day. Now that we're back at work and everything he doesn't email me anymore and when I email him he doesn't email me back. When I call him the conversations are brief but nice. Still he just asks if i'm going to come over for dinner or just come over and that's it,he's ready to hang up.

This past Saturday I was with him and we went out for breakfast together. On our way back from breakfast his best friend called and said he was in the area and wanted to stop by. When we arrived at my boyfriends house his best friend was sitting in the car waiting. My bf asked me if i wanted to take my stuff that was in the car home now or did i want to get it later. This obviously meant that he wanted me to go leave.His best friend greated me with a hug and i followed them both into the house because i needed to get my car keys and some stuff that i had upstairs. They were downstairs in the livingroom talking and i could sense that my bf really wanted me to leave. His best friend kept saying do you guys wanna go get something to eat or do something and my bf just kept saying no. I stood there with my coat on and my stuff in hand while they talked and while my bf continued to look uncomfortable. His friend made a joke about a girl that he's seeing and really likes he said that he's going to get her to fall in love with him and thank god everyday for him. Then he said just like F----- does about you.My bf just chuckled a little with his head down. So I said no, that's what A---- says about me. His friend laughed and said yes, he does really speak like that about you and he does say that he thanks god for you everytday. I can't tell if he was joking or not about that but my bf just said wow, you're full of jokes today aren't you. So, i guess he didn't say it....then again i don't know. My bf looked at me after a few and said are you standing there waiting for me to walk you out and i said yes please. He walked me out and kissed me and everything and said that he would call me later. He did and he asked me to come back over. That was fine but i really don't understand him.He went grocery shopping the other day by himself and usually since he lives alone he doesn't buy that much but this time he spent over $100 on groceries and when I saw everything he brought it was all stuff that i like and stuff for us to cook together. At the same time he acts like he doesn't care to talk to me and like he wants to be doing other things. When we are together everything is great though. I just really hate feeling so weird. I have a hard time with the way he acts toward me.I sometimes feel like he has a little resentment toward me because i don't live in his house with him but at the same time i don't think he would ever ask me to move in. And if i brought it up he would feel smothered and really back away from me. I'm just not sure how to handle all of this.

I was thinking about our vacation and I know that it was kinda strange for us to be around so many married couples, especially newlyweds. They were asking us if we were married and when we planned to do it. He and I both didn't know what to say to that stuff. Also, at our dinner table everynight was an older couple and the woman kept wispering to me. She asked me if we lived together and i said no and she told me that i should move in with him. I told her that I didn't want to do that yet and she said you're right, that's really smart and then she told me that i should get him to marry me asap because both of us are adorable together. My bf overheard everything she said and didn't speak to the couple the rest of the night. Then the next night He had us moved to another table. It also didn't help that the entire cruise staff kept calling us Mr. and Mrs. W. they also kept saying your husband this or your wife that. My bf never corrected them and it seemed like he was cool with everything but now i'm wondering if all these events contribute to his weirdness now.....what do you think? Or is it me??

I'd love to hear any feedback!

Thanks,

Teemie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 5:59pm
Talk to him. "When your friend was over, I could really tell that you wanted me to leave and that you were uncomfortable....I picked up on the weirdness. Can you tell me why you felt this way?"


Edited 2/9/2004 6:54:36 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 6:07pm
Look, you are analyzing every single thing he says and does, every move he makes, every little thing that happens. When you get to that point, you're in trouble. You need to get a grip and just stop it. YOU are causing yourself to feel the way you feel by your own thoughts! Honestly, think about that for a minute. Your bf may be acting weird merely in response to the vibes you are putting out. He's probably confused as heck to what is going on with you. COMMUNICATE. Why work yourself up into a tizzy for days and days when that is so totally unnecessary? Just have a discussion with him and get it over with. What are you so afraid of? If you want a good relationship, you HAVE to be able to communicate with one another. If you can't, you'd better get used to feeling how you do now (and having unsuccessful relationships). Stop analyzing and feeling lousy and take some positive action.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:04am
You've just come back from vacation where you were his only center of attention and he was with you 7x24 for whatever time you were away. Now you are back and real life has set in, complete with obligations to work and the need to re-connect with friends and family. All of a sudden you are not his prime focus every waking moment and you're stressed and over-analyzing every word and action with a focus on the potential negative outcome.

RELAX, and as another poster mentioned you are probably coming across as pretty weird right now to him. If you keep going the way you are you will end up with Analysis Paralysis which is extremely unhealthy for a relationship. Analysis of every word or action of a man is incredibly frustrating to the man. By doing this things get so twisted out of shape that you loose sight of the real person. Is there anything he says right now that you do not analyze? If your answer is NO, then that is one of the fastest ways to push him away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 9:37am
Thank you very much to all who posted. I appreciate all the feedback a great deal. It really helps me to put things in the proper perspective. At the same time I can honestly say that I really don't let on to him that I'm feeling all this insecurity or that Iam analyzing his words so much. That's why I came here to post because I had to let someone know all the things that are going on in my head. I know that's it's definately not good to be this way. I also know that I can't let him know the extent of my worries. I know also that I haven't given you guys the complete background on the relationship either but that would take all day. To make a very very long story very short He cheated on me in the past and carried on a relationship with another girl. He was also very back and forth with this girl and myself for a period of time. Also he was doing this push and pull thing big time. When I was upset with him and wanted to have nothing to do with him he would take 20 steps toward me. When I was trying to get over his past indescretions and wanting to be with him etc. he would take 10 steps away from me.While things are so much better this time around the ugliness of the past still lingers. I know that I need to either let go of the past or let go of him but it's not quite that easy for me to do.

He tells me that everything is so different from before and I see that as well as all of his efforts. It's just that when certain behavior in him changes it becomes easy for me to relate it to the way that he behaved when he was doing wrong.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:54am

You may not think that you are letting on to him, but he is going to notice the little things, even if you think you are "covering it up" it is going to filter out into your relationship.