Lost, Sad and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Lost, Sad and Confused
5
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:20am
I dont even know where to begin. I have been dating a man for 8 months. He is divorced and has 2 small kids (3 & 5). The 5 yr old is to his ex-wife and they have a good relationship. The 3 yr old is to his ex-girlfriend and she causes a lot of problems. I have met the kids and he has them for 1 week every other week. He and I live about an hour and a 1/2 a part so this is a weekend and a couple days a week I see him however from Thursday-Monday morning I live there with or without the kids there. We have been intimiate, we have talked about a future. He says he loves me. Recently things have been very intense. He has a lot to deal with with his ex-girldfriend and the child they have together and there are just issues I dont even have the time or energy to go through right now. He has NO relationship with his family. So I helped him financially with a car and he broke down and said "no one in my life ever thought to do anything like that for me. I love you and I know you are the persn I want to spend the rest of my life with" However, recently if I kiss him he isnt focused on me. He doesnt initate affection or saying I love you. If I say anything about being unhappy or anything he says "thats not true and you make a big deal about everything" Last night we had a discussion and he said with everything going on in his life he is "mentally tired" and he just cant handle my nagging or me making a big deal about everything. He said "I am not saying I am tired of you but I have so much in my head then you want attention and 1/2 the time I am not even listenting to you". Then he said "dont take this all personally cause it has nothing to do with you but I just cant take your attitude about things" This is a stubborn man and I admit I do some wrong things but I feel very shut out and I feel like he has me around for just when he needs or wants me and my thoughts and feelings dont matter. What do I do? I love him and I think he loves me but I am just not sure and I feel sad all the time. I dont want to force anyone to love me. If I ask him if he loves me he says "you should know that I do". He has told me I demand attention and he feels like I am testing his love. He says "you should know I love you I dont have to prove anything". Please help me ...thank you

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:02am
I'd say stand back FURTHER than you are....and review all this.

This is a man who's created two chlidren with two mothers. His values nad standards justified and entitled him to do it - and leave those two women with primary custody and responsibility while he has them "every other week".

some people live this way....I'll never explain this well but here goes.

There is long-term focus.....it's what you want in your future - based on your goals, needs, standards, and priorities - it requires that you know yourself well and take responsibility for becoming who you want to be. It's imperative to have long-term focus. People with that have more "smoothly running" lives in every capacity and regard. They've never not planned, prepared and worked for and sacrificed towards "the long term".

There is short-term prioritization....that is what you've got in the here and now and how it relates to the immediate present and short-term future (days, weeks from now). This is ALL some people have....they have no long-term focus. Short term focus has success and instant gratification confused. It often has feelings confused with facts, goals, or calls to action. It often ends up with people living in chaos, turmoil, unrest, or lack of success as a status quo (I didn't say poverty or dire straits). All they see is the immediate situation, in light of their immediate needs/wants and they pursue those needs/wants - based on the situation as it now is at hand...with NO regard for how that will impact their future. If they're divesting themselves of what they'll want/need later to get instant gratification - they do. If they're never in positions of financial, emotional and professional security - it's because they want what they want when it is available to them, with NO thought as it what their actions now will have on the future and the options at that time.

This man is ONLY prioritizing the short term. What he wants/needs now - he pursues. What he's doing to pursue it - he's not considering how that is determining and affecting his future.

You're now "in" a typical relationship with someone with ONLY short-term focus. There'll be times when he lacks security, success, financial stability, emotional investment - because he doesn't prioritize it now, becuase of the situation at hand. He's only "dealing in the moment with the moment" at all times.

At these times - you'll be expected to be a support network, a financial backer, an emotional rock of Gibralter, and the "fixer of all the misc. and extraneous" circumstances that are "making him upset even further". When the mothers of these children aren't in need, when the children are well-behaved and not in a crisis, when his professional life is flowing smoothly and his financial situation is less strained (it'll never be "not strained" - that would require long-term focus and effort, work and sacrifice) he'll be lovey-dovey with you- prioritizing your feelings and giving you attention. That's because it feels good to him at the time to d oit - it gets him the results he wants in the present to do that....and he'll fully expect and require that you be again his secretary, his stockbroker, his banker, and his mechanic, and personal assistant without a thank you or a regard for your effort when the "chaos" taht is inevitable in the life of a "short term focus only person" returns.

You're "living in a relationship" taht is as good as it's going to get...unless he changes his values, priorities and boundaries.

You've 'invested" in him - you've lent him money, you've been around his children, you've made sacrifice and decisions about your future with "him" integral in those situations. You've 'invested" - you want the investment to pay out, you're looking for reassurance that you've not invested inappropriately or unwisely. He's saying "You've invested in me, and the relationship eases my situation and allows my short term focus only to be a reality in my world. keep doing what you're doing in terms of assistance, providership, and support but do NOT make demands on me or of me - I have enough people and situations in my life doing that and I have no control over them, you're here to be supportive, assisting, and providing - not causing more unrest for me."

What you've invested in, is the "relationship as it is"...because how it is, is a result of his "style" of living - short term focus only. and that is NOT going to change with you giving, sacrificing, enduring, tolerating and providing - it is simply going to allow more choas to reign supreme overall - he's got more "support" in which to pursue his "goals of the moment in the situations at hand" - with someone to cover the shortfall and consequences of his emotionally driven actions in the past that have resulted in negativity in the present.

This relationship is what you've invested in...him as he is, is what you've invested in. He has NOT invested in you...he benefits via you....and that is going to cause him some resentment, frustration, and anxiety towards you at all times.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:17am
Erin,

Everything you say is true and I believe what you are saying. I think that I am the most upset at myself for falling into this trap. I am typically to this point strong and independent. If a relationship wasnt working I would walk. But for some unknown reason to me I cant walk from this man. He is in a sense emotionally abusive and I know in my heart of hearts that he not only will never change he doesnt believe he has to. He as he says is a "grown man" and he is "independent" and so forth basically saying I dont need anyone. So I must say to myself...why do I stay? He obviously doesnt need or want me there. I just dont knw how to walk away. And a part of me struggles with the fact that I am never heard. It is like my stubborness gets in the way because he is manipulative. I can say "you hurt my feelings and I am sad" and I could be crying and he will say "thats not true" he has never in 8 months ever said "I am sorry" And I struggle with how can I be so hurt and obviouslly hurt and upset and he just doesnt care. I know I need to walk but I dont know how. I just really dont know how. The relationship was not like this in the beginning. I know everyone says that but it is true he did not show his true signs until like 2 months ago. The other night he shook his glass at me cause he wanted more. So I asked if he believed in the old fashion thing of the man is taken care of by the woman. I wasnt upset he just does that kind of stuff a lot and I was curious if that was how he viewed a relationship. He said why are you asking me that I was joking around. I said you werent joking and he said " I asked you so what" That made me so mad that he said so what. Cause he is so cavalier at times. But he doesnt see it that way. So right now as we speak he is so pissed off about this incident. Because he says " I am so indepedent and you make a big damn deal about every little thing" It is just so ridicualous. I just want to scream right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:23am
Review your history - in every facet - and quite often what you'll find is that if you've been "strong and independent" is that you've had alot of validation and approval and support.

People have been cheering you on, have been wishing you well, have been supportive and encouraging of your goals, your pursuits, your decisions and actions.....and now you're in a situation where for perhaps hte first time - you're saying "If I prioritize me and do what I believe to be right - the person that I've invested in is going to say "you're wrong".

And at that point - you get to find out how truly self-aware, self-responsible, self-accepting you are - if you know you are right, you'll leave. Realizing that feelings are NOT facts, goals, or calls to action - they're a result of situations. And situations are created/changed with actions, decisions and words.

You'll leave going into that decision knowing that it'll change the situation in a way that'll "hurt" your emotional buttons - but you're willing to "hurt now" - to succeed later, and you'll do it without validation, support or approval - taking responsiblity for your own actions, decisions, and words and the consequences of them.

You might NEVER have had to do mke a decision and live with the result without an "option to undo it" - no matter how independent and successful you are to date if you've had lots of support, approval, validation, and acceptance from others. You're just now realizing how much of that you "relied on" to "make what you were doing the right thing, or were depending on that network should what you do be "wrong".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:11pm
I'm always amazed that people think "we're together aren't we? You should know I love you?" Which to them translates to they never have to put in any effort to continue to 'date' you, to keep the love alive, to keep the passion going, to have their needs meet or meet your needs. He's can't handle a full-time relationship and all that goes with it - welcoming you into his space, making time to acknowledge love between the two of you, be affectionate. Everyone needs attention and affection, yet you needing it and asking for it, pushes him away.

I hate to say this but, this is not a good relationship for you. He's talking you for granted, knows his needs are being met and doesn't feel the need to even address your concerns and needs, because he can't - he's preoccupied, taking the relationship for granted... hmm if I thought it saw just a case of different styles of loving I'd recommend the book, Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman but it's really not that. It's more that you two aren't on the same page, with the focus on you two as a couple, or the future.

Reading material for you, to help you define what you want in the future (there are tests in this book):

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Eight months is a good place to re-evaluate the relationship and decide what you want. Sounds to me that he has issues to still deal with, problems to overcome and he's the one in the "I need your support" mode without concern for the support you need. Very mismatched.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:59pm
Thank you for your words. You are correct we are very mismatched. I am also amazed at the whole "I dont have to tell you I am here with you" theme. I grew up in a house where it was never said a whole lot but I make it a point now if you love someone and you care about someone you tell them. Too bad he is a 33 yr old man with no respect for me. When I say "why do you love me?" his response is "why wouldnt I?" he does take me for granted and it is sad to say but walking away will either make him realize he screwed up or just allow him to move on and do it to someone else. I know that either way though I will be free from the sadness and I certainly wont cry as much as I do now.