Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Please help!
6
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:41pm
Hi Everyone. I have a dilemma I hope someone can give me some advice or just somemore points to think about. My boyfriend's (we live together) ex wife has asked him if he will willingly increase his child support. She is very upset at the amount she gets & feels she can't "make it." His amount was set at what the state says he should pay. When we have the kids we pay for everything & even take them shopping for new clothes & such. I feel hurt that he has even considered giving her more money. He is willing to negociate with her & this hurts me to the core. She has a good job & makes a few thousand less than him. She also already gets about 40% of his salary too. Her mother also lives with her & the kids & pays some bills. I feel like if he gives her more money, then he is giving her our future. We have no kids but have talked about having some. I make very good money & she has complained about some of the things in our house. I am tired of the pissing contest b/c I prefer & buy nice things for myself. It does make me mad that the kids talk about things in our house is how she knows whats there,but kids will be kids. Am I being selfish or is she just playing a game? I know her finances b/c of my boyfriend & there is no way she can need more money. She has it better than we do. My suspicions are that she doesn't want to give up her address which is in a nice part of town. I think she is trying to play the victim here. THANKS!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: steph4779
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:44pm

Have you expressed your feelings to him and your concern that any decision he makes will affect your joint financial future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: steph4779
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:34pm
Here's my two cents being that I'm on both sides of this situation. I receive child support from my ex-husband and my current fiancee pays child support. In both circumstances I put the kids first. I take care of my son full time and if and when I ask my ex for extra I fully expect to get it. You cannot put a price on taking care of a child. On the flip side I give that same respect to my fiancee's BM. She is taking care of the kids and even though he does things for them and we have taken them on vacations and other things she cannot afford to do, I don't get upset when she asks him for more money. I really try to stay out of it, as long as his obligations to our home don't suffer. I think you should relax and not try to get in the other woman's head and just focus on the kids. It will make things easier for everyone. Trust me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: steph4779
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:50pm
thanks u have really given me something 2 think about.

have a good day!

Steph
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: steph4779
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 10:51pm
thanks. You really gave me something 2 think about & some questions that I hadn't thought of. have a great day!

Steph
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: steph4779
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 12:44pm
I live with my df and my ds. My ex pays child support. He lives with his pregnant girlfriend and her son.

I make more money then my ex. I will use "rounded" numbers to make it easier. My ex pays $500 a month in child support. With this money I have to pay for my ds insurance $112, his prescriptions that are not covered until a ded of $2500 which come to $110 a month, his dental insurance (not sure of how much that is???), his after school care which is $60 a week or $240. a month, his school lunches, his glasses when needed, his doctors visit copays of $25 each. During the summer, day care runs from 100 up for summer all day care. Just in the required monthly expenses I spend $462.00 apprx., this does not include food, rent, lights, etc. that the state usually consideres when they calculate child support. Also, my ex was almost 2 years in arrears - so thats figured in the payment too - he will pay less once he is caught up.

I am also the one who buys all the school supplies, clothing, hair-cuts, I miss work when he is sick - I go to the school meetings - etc.

Believe me I am far from complaining about being a mom, basically a single mom. I love my son. But some people dont realize exactly everything that goes into raising a child. Child care alone can run from $125 for pre-school children. Think about it...thats alot of money esp if you have more than one. Just an example of some of the expenses that a child incures.

Of course I have rent in a nice apartment complex - 2 bedrooms because I do have a child, nice clean and safe for my child. I have a car payment. I also have some credit card payments left over from my 7+ year marriage that I got because they were in my name. I have very little money left over every week. I dont think that a women with children should have to have a crappy place to live and drive a piece of crap for a car JUST because she is a single mom...

I personally think that if the ex can show that her need is valid ( the state should have determined all this) then it is in the childs best interest for the dad to help out if he can. I think that it should tell you alot about the kind of person he really is. He is thinking of his children.

I can tell you that prior to receiving ANY child support for almost 2 yrs - that when I ask my ex to help out with school shoes - I was told that since I wanted to raise him and have full custody - that I could take care of all his needs too!!! He sees him every other weekend - and now pays child support - my ex is and always will be a selfish loser...I am glad to hear that they are not all the same.

Think about it - and good luck

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: steph4779
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:28pm

playnice, exactly what I would have wrote if I could have come up with the words and experiences to say it.