Married but thinking about the ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Married but thinking about the ex
6
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:59am
I have a major issue. I've been married for 5 years and have three wonderful children. The only problem is my husband doesn't help me with the kids or the house. He works everyday and provides for us, which is great. He doesn't show affection unless I make a big deal out of it. When I bring it up he just says that I know how he is and he was like that when we met and I knew what I was getting when I marred him. At the time I thought that was okay but now at times I long for a little romance and affection. I find myslef thinking about a guy that I had a relationship before my husband and I met. I don't really think that my relationship with this other guy was completely over when I met my husband. This other guy was very affectionate and romantic but when it came to commitment something scared him off. We still loved each other but I was ready for commitment and had to decide what to do to be able to get that in my life and the only solution I could come up with was to end the relationship with him and fjind somebody that wanted the commitment. I really don't think it was what I wanted but at the time I thought it was the only thing to do. I have thought about meeting my ex behind my husband's back just to see if there is still something between us or not. I just need to resolve this conflict that I am having in my head. Should I just continue my life with my husband the way it is for the kids sake, should I meet my ex and see if there is still a spark or maybe just meet him to complete that ending of the relationship that I had with him. HELP ME!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 10:57am
Hi,

While I understand your feelings cuz I've had them before, I don't think it's a good idea to meet your ex. YOu've made a commitment to your DH and you would be deceiving him and the children if you decided to meet with your ex.

It's been 5 years.... Your EX is probably with someone else or doesn't share the same feelings for you. If he did, he would have committed to you. It sounds to me like you are screaming for affection from you DH.

Do you still love your DH? Really? If you do, there are ways to change his lack of affection towards you... My DH used to be like your DH and gradually, he's changing because I am asking for what I want (in a non-threatening way of course) and also showing alot of affection to him.

I used to just sit around and wait for him to show affection towards me. I used to get upset when he didn't. When we finally were at a point where we felt comfortable talking about it, I learned alot about my DH. He was feeling the same as me. He really wanted to be touched as well. He sensed that I was angry and misunderstood my frustration with not being touched by him to thinking that I didn't want him to touch me.

If your marriage is something you want to work on there's still hope. If you are just not in love with DH any longer, then first take care of finalizing your marriage issues, then pursue any other relationship your heart desires.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:05am

If you are having a problem with your husband, the place to work it out is with your husband, not by running to someone else. This will only compound the difficulties you are having and create more confusion and conflict. If you are going to end the relationship, that should happen only after you have truly tried to work it through as best you can. At the moment it does not sound as if either of you have made any effort in this direction. Let your husband know how badly you feel about the lack of attention and affection, and get some good marriage counselling. Let him know that you don't feel you can go on this way without working this through. Although he was this way when you married him, tell him that you did not know the long range effects it would have on you. If he is not agreeable to working on this, rather than cheating behind his back, a better solution is to find a good theapist of your own and work on taking p;ositive constructyive steps to handle this. Going to someone else to help you get out of a bad marriage is always a bad idea. It is really using another person, and unless the issues in the marriage are handled, they will haunt you later on - especially as there are children involved.


Get good professional help with this. Best with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:07am
I really thank you for your advice, Deep down I know it is wrong to try and rekindle a past relationship while I'm married. The thing is I don't just sit around and wait for my husband to show affection. I make "passes" at himin the evening to try and get a reaction from him and he could care less. I let post-its on the mirror in our bathroom telling him how much I love him, I try I really do. He hardly ever teels me he loves me, I tell him everyday. When I bring it up, it just becomes a huge arguement. I just don't know what to do.

My ex isn't dating anyone, I hae had contact with him in an indirect way, his sister-in-law is my hairdresser and every time I go see her I ask about him. I know in my mind that if he hasn't made a comittment yet that he probably hasn't met the right person or maybe he just never willmake a comittment and if I try to pursue him I will probably be just wasting my time. Maybe it's just the sex that we had that I miss not the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:37am

Well you say that you have "tried" and shown some things that you did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:45pm
Before you decide anything, have you considered couple's counseling or some good self-help books?

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

The 10 Second Kiss, Ellen Kreidman

Loving Solutions, Gary Chapman

(not all of them, if one jumps out at you, or read some online reviews at amazon to get a feel for each book)


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 2:55pm
Hi again,

One other thing that I did was tell my husband how I felt like a woman who's been scorned. I told him that if someone ever touched me I would probably melt in their arms. I think I may have made him think that I was vunerable to other men.

Not that I would ever cheat, but I think it woke him up a bit.

The other thing that came to mind when I read this post is that it seems like you are trying so hard. Can you ask him how it makes him feel when you do these nice things for him? Can you also ask him how he would feel if you took the same attitude that he shows to you?

You said that he told you that you knew what you were getting into coming into the relationship. Tell him that you thought you could live with this but it's really hurting you alot.

You really need to somehow get him to understand how this is changing you and how you are losing your self-esteem....

Please keep us posted on your progress.

Thanks & good luck!