My true love is back but I'm married now

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
My true love is back but I'm married now
6
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 8:18pm


I am in big heart trouble, I married my husband 1+yr ago after living

with him for 6 years. I was 20 went we starting going out. Back then I had a boyfriend

that made me feel like the most beautiful and lucky woman in the world but he

wanted to get married and was driving crazy and away from him, so I broke his heart and I

moved in with my new boyfriend. Time passed and I wasn't as happy with my new boyfriend

but it was better then being alone. My ex-boyfriend got a new woman (13 years older),

married her and gave her the child she wanted. Through out all these years I always

keep track of him I still carry his pictures in my wallet and he was always in my mind.

Well the thing is, that after all this years he tracked me down, send

me a letter and told me he is still in love with me and is willing to give up

everything he has for me.

I agreed to meet with him and my feelings for him came back. He is not happy with his current relationship and sometimes I'm not with mine. I feel so confuse and

scare. I've learn to love my husband after all the things he has done and I don't like

about him. But I also don't feel as loved from my husband as I do from my ex, he has

hurt my heart several times. I know for sure that my ex is completely in love with

me.

I still have strong feelings for him but the fact that I am married hunts me.

Please let me know what you think I should do.

Thanks,




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 8:38pm
The fact that you would even consider leaving your husband for this guy that you met once scares me. Yes- you met him ONCE. People change... who is to say he is the same man he was so many years ago? Something is obviously missing from your marriage, and bringing another guy into the picture isn't going to help. If your feelings were really that strong for this guy, you would not have gotten married in the first place. When I date, each guy offers me something more than the previous one, otherwise I won't continue the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:03pm
I think your husband deserves a woman who took marriage vows to heart rather than "you're better than being alone until my ex comes back" - so divorce him and a year after your divorce is final - and not earlier, date your ex again - unless you want him to know always that you don't take vows seriously. He still may wonder if you will take your commitment to him nonchalantly as well but at least you won't be a cheater.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:36pm
'I wasn't as happy with my new boyfriend but it was better then being alone.'

So your relationship with your husband was strained from day one. You never loved him but married him anyway. You have tried to 'learn to love him' which never works. I think you should take a long hard look at your marriage and decide if you want to stay REGARDLESS of a past boyfriend coming back into yoru life. Your ex is just a way out after all, isn't he?

Now, take a look at your ex. He has a child and is just our of a relationship. He isn't really boyfriend material is he? He has accumulated a lot of baggage so your relationship will never be the same and my guess is that is was never great or you wouldn't have left.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:02pm
ive been there,only i was married for 14 yrs.and what i beleaved to be my true love,was something i dreamed up in my head.you know sometimes we think of love as,roses,sweettalk ,dances to our favorite music,a place to where we have no concerns or worry,someone to make us feel beautiful&happy all the time.REALITY CHECK all of this stuff is wonderful but if we go in to a marriage with this expectation that this is what love is and that this is the way its gonna stay then we are sitting our selves up for a big disapointment.i had a wonderful exh,we went through so much together;we had alot of hard times to,but he never hit me,he had alot of respect for my feelings and when the chips were down he was always there.our marriage and our home was always his first priority;but all them years i never realy realized what i had,because when things would get to wher i thought that i wasnt happy i would go back to a place and time to where this man made me feel beautiful&happy allthe time,so i must of married the wrong one,when i should of remembered the vows that i made before god and gave my marriage my all instead of going by what my emotions felt at the time.you said that you could of married your true love but didnt,why?you also said that you have been with your husband,for almost8yrs.what made you marry him?you could of continued to live together but you chose to marry him.we allhave are on roll to hoe,but sometimes we chop down the produce only to go back and find weeds.this true love of yours yousaid that he married a woman 13 yrs older than him are you sure hes not looking for a mother figure instead of a wife.if you have to go away for a few days just you and have no contact with no one and clear your head and think,but dont destroy true love for an ifatuation.something has kept you with your h so be sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 3:40pm
I'm going to try and be as nice as I possibly can....I agree with all the other posters.

The GRASS is NOT greener no matter how much you THINK you love him. Yes, think. People do change. They grow apart, grow up, learn about themselves, become aware of life and how it works around them and with them.

I strongly, strongly recommend you get some counseling because it would help you sort out your emotions, get in touch with your true feelings, hopefuly you'd learn about yourself, learn what motivates you, what makes you tick. To marry someone that you don't love, that you aren't happy is such fraud to him and to yourself. All the while holding a torch for someone else.

You already met the guy, so you have already betrayed your husband. You both are in unhappy relationships and rather than deal with the issues, fix them, or try to understand them, you make light of them - I never loved him, I'm not happy, we should have never gotten married - but you did, so you need to deal with that part of yourself as well and NOT RUN AWAY from the life you have created. The guy you met, he's in love with you all right, he's in love with the fantasy of who you use to be and the fantasy of running away from his "troubles" he's created while in his current relationship.

You are both running from the life you created, the one you have been living, without any more self-awareness....oh never mind, I guess I couldn't stay objective (and nice) like I thought.

I'll close with this - "The choices we make dictate the life we lead."


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 4:41pm
I hope you come back and read my reply, and really give it some thought and consideration b/c I was once where you are now. Please believe me when I tell you that other things ALWAYS seem better when you are in an unhappy or unsatisfying relationship.

Your ex-love is unhappy so he searched back into his past for something b/c then he wouldn't have to go out and start over, looking for someone new (a scary prospect). He sees the old familiar past as comfortable and comforting. He's not emotionally healthy enough to leave his situation b/c he's unhappy with it, just as you were not willing to leave something you were unhappy with b/c "it was better than being alone." That is the classic statement of an unhealthy individual! An emotionally healthy person would rather be alone than be in an unhappy relationship. An emotionally healthy person will not settle for just anything to avoid being alone. TWO emotionally unhealthy people cannot create a healthy, satisfying, happy relationship. A successful, happy relationship is created only between 2 people who are healthy, happy individuals when they meet one another. I don't think you are, and I don't think your ex is....thus it wouldn't turn out to be the happily ever after you're envisioning. What's in your head is a fantasy. The reality is that neither of you are healthy right now.

I know this b/c I learned it the hard way and narrowly escaped getting what I once wished for. I was unhappily married, got divorced, then looked up an old flame. Guess what -- he happened to be unhappily married and was, of course, thrilled to hear from me -- his true love! We came as close as you can to starting an affair without actually doing it full-out (whether he cheated on his wife with me is debatable). He even went so far as to ask her for a divorce. BUTshe talked him into staying and giving her one more chance. If I ever meet her I'll give her a big hug and kiss b/c she did me a huge favor. At the time I was devastated -- I was convinced he and I were soul mates. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to walk away from him, even harder than my divorce.

Mostly to take my mind of my pain, I started doing some reading and talking to professionals, and I discovered I was not emotionally healthy so I worked to get myself there. Once I got there, things fell into place pretty easily in my life. Over the years I dated, but never stuck with any situation that didn't work for me. I refused to settle just to have someone. Then I met my wonderful husband, who was single b/c he was also not willing to settle. We now have a wonderful marriage -- happy, healthy, stable as a rock. Being in such a marriage I can tell you honestly that I wouldn't have been happy for very long with my old flame, had his wife not saved me from finding that out the hard way. He wasn't an emotionally healthy person, I can see that clearly now (nor was I at the time, remember, which is why I couldn't see it then). At the time I thought nobody would love me or admire me like he did. Wrong. My husband now cherishes me and treats me with respect, honestly, loyalty and undying love -- and it's a healthy type of love -- not desperation or unhealthy neediness. I feel the same for him.

What I want you to understand from this long post is that there is a WORLD of DIFFERENCE between the two. I've experienced them both so I can tell you that with certainty. I hope this helps you in some way. IMO you should get counselling with your husband and if that still doesn't work for you, get some help for yourself. But don't go into any other situation expecting it to be better b/c that won't be possible until you get yourself to an emotionally healthy, stable state. Best wishes.