my wife is uncooperative

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
my wife is uncooperative
4
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 2:10am
I am a 37 man who is married to a 33 woman. We have a 13 year old girl, a 10 year old boy and a 2 1/2 year old girl. We are seperated. She claims that I am abusive and controlling. I am not in denial and I am attending a Anger Management class for about nine weeks now in addition to marriage counseling on my own and attending church service every Sunday. I have shown signs of abuse on several occasions. I kinda question the controlling aspect of it though. Hiding car keys on one occasion and not allowing the kids to use a walk around phone because they could not take of it properly is the ammunition she uses to justify the controlling part. She decided to take my kids and move 80+ miles away to her former hometown to a house that is a 1/4 mile down the road from her parents house. I thought it was to prevent me from hurting anyone because my oldest daughter was testing me/ talking back to me/ screaming at me and threatened to move out. I did not hit her, but I called her bluff and said to to go ahead. It is obvious that I did not men it. She is my daughter and I would have found her. Well, this situation has become bigger. My wife who did not show any unity whatsoever is claiming that she does not love me anymore. She is shutting me out of her life. he will not participate in counseling even though it is obvious that we have some problems. I love her and I am trying, but she is being selfish and is leaning toward divorce even though I am trying to make changes in my life. I found myself challenging her credibility to just myself because she has bill collectors hunting her down. She supposedly owes $750+ on a mastercard and has not made a payment since last March. We earned approximately $ 66,000 and our $580 house payment has always been at least a month behind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 2:20am
I just want to get some kind of idea why she is so cold. She has been holding things inside for a long time and I never have any real idea. She might provide hints. She has also been supposedly planning this for awhile. I go up to her place every Saturday and see her and my kids. She allows me to kiss her which is okay. I would like to get more , but that is not in the cards. I need help. I will lose this marriage if I start making more bad moves like allowing for frustration. She claims that if she could afford it, she would file now. She is focused on the negative things only. What do I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 11:52am

Im glad that you are going to couneling, if nothing else for yourself and any future relationships youmay have. It sounds like your wife has had about enough and is trying to move on.If thats the case, try to make things as normal as possible for the childrens sake.This counseling is a step that you needed to take with or without her.


good luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 1:33pm

i am sorry for your pain, i agree with the CL here - sometimes one of the spouses has just had ENOUGH. i understand that you had issues, she had issues, and you had issues together. if you are in therapy - that is wonderful, and it sounds like you need that therapy and anger management no matter what. it will help you in your life, in your future relationships, and in your relationship with your children.


your wife is not being selfish- she is taking steps to protect herself, and your children. and I undestand that you think that you are NOT abusive and controlling and she thinks you are. well - we have no way of knowing that, because we do not know both sides...


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 3:17pm
I agree with the responses you have gotten so far. For her it may be "too little, too late." Though it is sad that she won't address the issues, as it is the perfect time to do so. Someone on another board posted what they did they said to their spouse "I don't agree with the choice you made to move and end our relationship, as I think with couple's counseling we could have worked on the issues, but I will honor your decision." They broke up, he came back to her, when he saw that she meant what she said and wasn't clingy and needy. He even told her later that it was the way she conducted herself that made him change his mind.

Reading material to consider:

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

Good luck to you. Keep working on you, it's a good thing.


Carrie