Divorced and want my ex back? Do I ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Divorced and want my ex back? Do I ?
3
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 9:27am
I left my husband and we divorced 3 years ago. The main reason, he cheated on me during a bad time in our relationship and I never got over it. I allowed it to build, cut my emotions off, we were 2 friends occupying the same space. Instead of turning inwards and working on my marriage, I was determined to make him feel what I felt. Emotionally I bailed, then physically, until I left him. I used to think my divorce was the best thing, but lately I don’t and I am missing him. It doesn’t help that he and I are friends and still talk at least a couple of times a month and we live in the same town so I see him a lot. I mean between dating and marriage we were together 10 years and we did end up friends and still love each other. However I really hurt him and I doubt he would get back together anyway.

Honestly now that I am 32, I see things so different. For one we should not have married when we did, we had been dating too long and never lived life, we should have separated instead of marrying and figured out what we really wanted. If we had done that, we might have worked out those little issues and then realized we were the ones for each other and then married with no doubts. Instead we married, had doubts, divorced and now I am here.

He begged me for 6 mths to come back before we filed, but I was too proud and emotionally gone. I began hanging out with another guy before we filed, my ex to this day suspects this, anyway my energy went into him, of course that didnt last, I broke it off with him after 2 mths. Now I feel instead of putting my energy into saving my marriage, I bailed and had my mind elsewhere. I have a BF now and my ex has a GF,both of us for 2 years. My BF is going to propose soon, I know it. I am so scared, I wanted to be married again for so long and now that I know he is close to asking me, I am completely backing off. I am noticing everything about him I cant stand, every little detail is bothering me, I am having dreams about my ex, I am completely running the other way. The thoughts I am having are not fair to my BF and I have voiced none of them. Do we need time for me to clear my head or what do I need? I am scared to tell my BF that I may need time, he is very possessive and is in the middle of big things with his job. If I tell him I need time out of the blue, he would be distracted, I would feel it was my fault.

I don’t know what to do, am I having these feelings because I feel guilty for leaving my ex and we have no closure, is it fear of the unknown, what is wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:53am
Sounds to me like you need time without any man.

'we had been dating too long and never lived life, we should have separated instead of marrying and figured out what we really wanted.'

Have you done this now? I don't see how it could have happened with you getting involved again so soon after the break up. Have you figured out what you really want or are you just getting married again because you thought that was what you wanted. I am just not sure you learned anything from the divorce.

'If we had done that, we might have worked out those little issues and then realized we were the ones for each other and then married with no doubts.'

And you have doubts now with your boyfriend. And you also have a lot of little issues, right?

'Now I feel instead of putting my energy into saving my marriage, I bailed and had my mind elsewhere'

Are you now have your mind elsewhere again.

On the other hand if your boyfriend is possessive and you feel you are responsible for his happiness yet you aren't happy maybe this isn't such a good situation.

'The thoughts I am having are not fair to my BF and I have voiced none of them'

Voicing none of them is not fair. Do what is best for you. It will be best for him in the long run. Does he want to propose to someone who doesn't really want to be with him?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:54am

Actually, you already have a lot of insight into your situation. Yes, you do not have closure with your ex - that is a big reason you are backing away from a forthcoming marriage...you still fantasize about him, and wonder if the two of you should be back together. Clearly, you cannot make a committment to someone else when these feelings are surfacing. Also, as you said, you must have quite a fear of maarriage after what happened, and a fear of the difficulty repeating itself. You said your current boyfriend is possessive, that may also be a factor. Before you can committ to another person, it is necessary to be clear about the past, about who you are and what you want at present, and where you want to go in your life. I suggest you talk to a counsellor to help you sort all of this out. It might also be a good idea to talk to your ex frankly and find out where he stands. It may be that he is quite happy with his girlfriend and has no desire to resume a relationship with you. This would make it easier for you to go forward then. It also sounds as though you need to forgive yourself for what happened, and to forgive him. The effects of cheating in a marriage are often disastrous if the two people do not really work them out right when it happens - really talk, listen, and work on the issues that caused it. You do not have to blame yourself now for withdrawing then and leaving. What happened happened. The best thing to do is to heal it now in the present. Find out where your ex is at. Work with a fine counsellor or therapist..and be sure that this present guy is really the right one for you. Then you will no t feel so scared or so unsettled.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 2:52pm
I agree with drshoshanna. Counseling would be good for you, as well as forgiving yourself.

While you realize the mistakes you made in your marriage, it doesn't mean that you can go back and 'do it over' or try to heal the breach. As she said, he may be happy in his current relationship and may not be able to forgive you for what happened during the divorce. And I'm really not sure talking to him about it would be the right thing to do. Because, say the roles were reversed and the guy you are with now, if his ex approached him with her confused feelings? It wouldn't feel good to you. Closure, and I strongly believe this, is something you give yourself. You have to know and believe you aren't the same person, accept what happened, move through it, grieve, heal and forgive yourself.

Therapy will help you figure out if you really have feelings for your ex or if it's a fantasy to do things differently and heal something between the two of you AND it will help you decide if you are in the right relationship for you CURRENTLY and if you want to continue in that relationship without the hope of getting back with your ex.

My best to you.


Carrie