Is this situation normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Is this situation normal?
4
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:30am
This is probably the most "grown-up" relationship I have been in, which is why I have nothing to compare it to. I am 33 and before my current BF, I had just been dating (no one serious) for the past 7 years.

So here's the deal - my BF works about 50 hours a week, plus has his 4 yr old daughter every other week. I work 35 hours a week, so of course I have more free time on my hands. That said, during the weeks he does not have his daughter, he is just so tired and stressed from work that he either wants to go to the bar and drink or just stay home and do nothing. He gets off around 5 or 5:30 and has to go to bed at 9pm because he has to be at work the next day at 6:30am. So we really don't have any quality time together during the week. The weeks he has his daughter it's the same thing, except of course he has to take care of her as well and doesn't go to the bar or drink when he has her. So basically the only time we really spend together is every other weekend.

What I want to know is, is this pretty much how it is for everybody? That they only have "quality" time with their husband or boyfriend on the weekends? I don't want to be unreasonable here, I mean everyone has jobs and responsibilities and is that just how it is when you're an adult in an adult relationship? Would it be that way no matter who I was seeing?

THanks

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:47am

No, it would not be this way no matter who you were seeing. Most couples are able to find much more quality time together. (Even if they are tired, and are just spending time at home together, this can also be quality time, if they are close, communicating and enjoying one another). It sounds as though he has very little energy or resources left after work and his daughter. Going to the bar on his free time is not exactly a way to build a relationship with you. Sometimes we can feel drained by emotions that we have not worked out - and all kinds of feelings. This may be the case with him. It also sounds like he is not so able to maintain intimacy and closeness for long periods. If he were, you could also have quality timet ogether even when his daughter is present. Right now, you are only getting a very small piece of the pie. Most relationships include more common interests, communication and time together. To build a healthy, mature relationship it is also necessary to be able to discuss this with him, work on it together, and find ways of creating a satisfying situation for both parties. I suggest you read my book Zen And The Art Of Falling In Love - it discusses this in great detail and includes many wonderful exercises to practice in your everyday life. It will give you a larger perspective on relationships and on what is possible for you.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:24pm
My BF and I always find a way to transform time in quality time. Even watching a dumb TV show can become quality time if there is cuddling and communications, i.e. if you are not completely absorbed by the show but talk to each other (making funny comments, or dissecting the show... my BF and I always dissect Law and order!). Cooking and cleaning up as well can be quality time. Closeness is what matters. I would have a hard time being with someone who comes home and then zones off, or goes drinking rather than doing something with me. Your relationship is not really a relationship: it's more like having a roommate. You should talk to your BF, and maybe suggest possibilities for romantic dates. If he refuses, time for counseling or to run away. You are too young for this sadness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:24pm

No, I dont think its normal, although Im sure there are people out there that would disagree with me. The key to this is to try and mind a happy medium, to compromise. Im sure he is not the only one who is beat down tired when he gets home fromwork, and he sure isnt the only one in the world who works 50 hours a week or gets custody of a child on the weekends. That doesnt give him the right to not pull his weight in the rellationship and that incluides trying.


Have you ever thought of setting at least ne day a week, just for the two of you?Would be open to something like that?Whether it be going out to eat, or just sitting at home with a movie rental...you would be suprised at how well that works...


I dont think your alone in going thru something like this, but you may be the only one living with their situation, you need to do something.

cl-marsexpert

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 02-12-2004 - 2:04pm
Well, it's "normal" for him b/c that is the lifestyle he is leading and it is not going to change anytime in the near future. It doesn't have to be "normal" for you, though. If you're not happy and satisfied with it, this probably isn't the right guy for you. His obligations, responsibilities and choices dictate that you don't have much quality time with him. It would not be this way with every other man. Other men may make different choices, set different priorities for themselves, or have fewer obligations. Everyone's different. The key is to find a person who is on the same page as you are so that you are *both* happy and satisfied with the relationship -- it's what you are *both* looking for -- you *both* are giving and taking in relatively the same quantitiy. What you have now is pretty much a casual dating relationship IMO. If you're looking for something more serious, more quality time together, more companionship, someone who is able to offer more to a developing relationship and place you higher on his list of priorities, this probably isn't the right guy for you. But others out there will be if you keep looking. I was in a very similar situation to yours some years ago and even though we both liked one another, it just didn't work for me, for the same reasons you are posting here. I decided to end it and move on, and the next man I met was my wonderful husband. We have a great relationship and it's so nice to feel truly content. When you meet someone who's right for you it isn't a struggle to be happy and content. Good luck (and don't settle).