Is this situation normal?
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| Thu, 02-12-2004 - 10:30am |
So here's the deal - my BF works about 50 hours a week, plus has his 4 yr old daughter every other week. I work 35 hours a week, so of course I have more free time on my hands. That said, during the weeks he does not have his daughter, he is just so tired and stressed from work that he either wants to go to the bar and drink or just stay home and do nothing. He gets off around 5 or 5:30 and has to go to bed at 9pm because he has to be at work the next day at 6:30am. So we really don't have any quality time together during the week. The weeks he has his daughter it's the same thing, except of course he has to take care of her as well and doesn't go to the bar or drink when he has her. So basically the only time we really spend together is every other weekend.
What I want to know is, is this pretty much how it is for everybody? That they only have "quality" time with their husband or boyfriend on the weekends? I don't want to be unreasonable here, I mean everyone has jobs and responsibilities and is that just how it is when you're an adult in an adult relationship? Would it be that way no matter who I was seeing?
THanks

No, it would not be this way no matter who you were seeing. Most couples are able to find much more quality time together. (Even if they are tired, and are just spending time at home together, this can also be quality time, if they are close, communicating and enjoying one another). It sounds as though he has very little energy or resources left after work and his daughter. Going to the bar on his free time is not exactly a way to build a relationship with you. Sometimes we can feel drained by emotions that we have not worked out - and all kinds of feelings. This may be the case with him. It also sounds like he is not so able to maintain intimacy and closeness for long periods. If he were, you could also have quality timet ogether even when his daughter is present. Right now, you are only getting a very small piece of the pie. Most relationships include more common interests, communication and time together. To build a healthy, mature relationship it is also necessary to be able to discuss this with him, work on it together, and find ways of creating a satisfying situation for both parties. I suggest you read my book Zen And The Art Of Falling In Love - it discusses this in great detail and includes many wonderful exercises to practice in your everyday life. It will give you a larger perspective on relationships and on what is possible for you.
All good wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
No, I dont think its normal, although Im sure there are people out there that would disagree with me. The key to this is to try and mind a happy medium, to compromise. Im sure he is not the only one who is beat down tired when he gets home fromwork, and he sure isnt the only one in the world who works 50 hours a week or gets custody of a child on the weekends. That doesnt give him the right to not pull his weight in the rellationship and that incluides trying.
Have you ever thought of setting at least ne day a week, just for the two of you?Would be open to something like that?Whether it be going out to eat, or just sitting at home with a movie rental...you would be suprised at how well that works...
I dont think your alone in going thru something like this, but you may be the only one living with their situation, you need to do something.