over-ambition overpowering relationship
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over-ambition overpowering relationship
| Fri, 02-13-2004 - 12:00pm |
I am almost 25 years old and have been dating a very nice guy for a little over a year now. Simply put, we clicked. I’d never felt as strongly about anyone ever before, and this has indeed turned out to be my longest relationship to-date. He is so thoughtful, caring, generous, down-to-earth, highly intelligent (in a “book smart” sense), extremely ambitious (almost TOO much so)…all the qualities I’ve always wanted in both relationships and friendships. Very early on in our relationship, he mentioned marriage and feeling like I was “the one.” Very unfortunately, things have taken a bit of a turn in the past few months. About ten months into our relationship, he began working a very intense job in a very big city (he went straight from college to law school). It’s obvious to me that it’s taken a toll on him – to the point where he is letting his work frustrations get the best of him as far as EVERYTHING is concerned, including me. It’s almost like he’s not the same person as he was before he started work. I wouldn’t quite say he’s done a complete 180, but definitely not too far off. Hmmm…I don’t really know how to explain this, but I’ll try. You see, he chose a career path solely for money – he wants as much of it as he can get (doesn’t everyone?!) and felt that law was the only way to go. His mentality is that you have to work, so why not work for the most money possible. As someone who is so intelligent, getting on this path was natural for him – he didn’t have to work for it like most people do, myself included. Meeting someone like him has inspired me to want to achieve more – but I’m someone who has to work hard to get there. I often remind him of how lucky he is, how I would love to be in his position. Before he started work, he thought it would be all fun and games, that he’d actually have time to spend his money and have fun. This is not the case at all, and he barely has time to see me, much less relax by himself. I’m able to deal with this because I truly do care for and support him, I support his goals and ambitions and want to see him happy. I can’t lie, however – I miss the fun and adventurous dynamic to our relationship. For the first ten months, we did so many fun things together – concerts, traveling, skiing – and he was such a fun and positive person to be around. Whenever he does have free time, he has no ambition to DO anything, and we often wind up just sitting around – he is completely unmotivated. Basically, he feels trapped right now – not in our relationship, but in life. He doesn’t want to live an “ordinary” life. He believes that having a lot of money is the only way he can live an “extraordinary” one. And he feels like he’s entitled to this more than anyone else – he feels like he shouldn’t have to work for his money. Who the hell is he?! The only person on Earth?! I mean, I’d like to think that all of this nonsensical talk is his way of coping with reality, but I think it’s doing more harm than good. It hurts me when he says there is nothing for him to be positive about, because I think, “well, what about me?” And it hurts me when he says things like “college was the best time ever – it will never be as good as that.” His temporary solution is that he wants to move from the east coast to the west coast because it’s “cooler” out there. But for someone who is very intelligent, he lacks common sense – what makes him think that being in a different place is going to make the harsh reality of work (and life) any better? Any time he brings this up (which is often), he always says he wants me to go with him, which I would definitely consider. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling like I mean absolutely nothing to him, and I know things don’t change that quickly. Deep down inside, I’m pretty sure he loves me. I think he’s being blinded by having to grow up and deal with reality. I just wish he could dig deep down inside and bring that back. At this point, I’m at a loss, because I don’t know what more I can say or do in order to make him feel better about life – and be more expressive of his feelings for me. I can’t sit around and wait forever for him to go back to his normal self, but I also don’t want to do anything in haste. I know that he is a genuinely good person and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I was the one who gave that up. Good people have problems and issues they need to work through – It’s wrong of me to fault him. The question I need to ask myself is: if I end things, would I find someone I like even more? Would I be settling for anyone else? Please help, because I am in dire need of advice!

Hi
I am sorry you are hurting right now.
I want it all, until I have it all I am nothing and will be of no value, everything I have now and am doing is now to 'get to a particular position' - and whatever I must expend and endure, I will tolerate so that I will NEVER have to deal with this again. I've done twice as much as everybody else, but I'm not twice as far ahead as everybody else, what must be holding me in this pattern is location/situation and so I must change the location/situation so that I will succeed.
Sit down....the problem is NOT what you think it is...he lacks self-esteem.
He's using all the conventional definitions of success and trying to meet them in extreme percentages so that he'll be "as good as everybody else" - by being better than everybody else.
It won't work...it's a very typical thinking pattern for an addict. He's behaving like an addict...his feelings dictating his actions while entitled to more than he's got because of all he's been thru.
Before anybody gets upset....we are ALL addicts in a thinking pattern criteria. We all want to succeed, we all want the best, we all want everything we're entitled to and then some. It's just that he's got an "extreme" pendulum swing in play - and that is what makes it a "negative addictive thinking pattern".
"I'm extremely NOBODY until other people consider me a success...I will go to any extreme to get that approval and reaction from them."
In that thinking pattern - nobody is as important as him, no fact is as iperative to review as his feelings are to analyze....and everything is expendable as a commodity (including you and the relationship) because "it's not getting him what he wants, which is self-approval, and that is what he got in this to get."
If you really want to argue it - based on his intelligence, his success thus far educationally and professionally...realize why people quickly begin talking about a future with a person they don't know factually in the character, value orientation capacity.
Salvation from the lack of self-acceptance, self-approval, self-admiration.......infatuation temporarily elimintes it. You desire and admire them so much - it temporarily eliminates the fact they don't like or accept themselves. And they want more of that "feeling" - they've been seeking it all their lives, they've gotten it always temporarily in "new situations, locations, circumstances, relationships" - they're not reviewing patterns they study situations in a vacuum isolation wit a priorization on feelings at all times....he felt so great about himself when he met you based on your desire for him, he wanted that "feeling" for a lifetime - and started discussing the future.
Feelings are not facts, goals, or calls to action...but you can't convince anybody in the throes of an addiction reasoning pattern of that.
Been him...it's difficult. Been you with him....I'd rather be him. At least he's getting his way, getting prioritized, getting attention, getting sympathy, and getting lots of perks. You're not and you never will.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I really can't agree with this over-reaction to this guy's desire for success.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
So you see, it is not all about money for everyone - and I am not telling you he is not for you but don't be blind to the fact that this is a man who prioritizes money and "coolness" - possibly over integrity, ethics and deeper values - you need to figure that out and whether his values are compatible with yours. Making excuses for him is not productive - it comes down to whether you respect him and can relate to what his dreams and goals are.