What's really going on

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
What's really going on
4
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:41pm
I started a relationship with a man going on a month now. Things are still pretty new. He is very busy because of his job ( real estate). I think that sex was introduced way too early in the relationship because now I am in this panic mode. Our phone conversations are not very long and we only talk a couple of times during the week. Every time we talk he says he enjoys spending time with me and he really likes be but i feel like I am getting mixed signals. I think that because of the intimacy we shared, I have put higher expectations on the relationship. HOw do I know .. really know.. that he is ready to take that step? How do I know for that matter? Should I just cut out the physical aspect and start over?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 1:53pm
Well, the first 3-9 months of any relationship is "infatuation". IT's your desire and attention regarding me make me feel so good about myself I can't get enough of you".

In that time period, you're not assessing their values, their character, their standards - you're just reveling in how great their attention and desire for you makes you feel about yourself.

That often leads to sex....sex prior to really knowing one another emotionally and mentally is "casual sex". It's two people that find one another appealing and attractive, and find the feeling inspired by being found attractive and desirable overwhelming...I've just GOT to have sex with you because you're so great. (aka - I've just got to have sex with you because if just flirtation makes me feel this good about myself, sex with you is going to make me feel so great about myself I just might pass out with excitement!)

Sex without knowing one another is not "I respect, admire, accept and understand you as a person and want the best for you in your life as you determine it to be." Sex without knowing one another is "your attention to me makes me feel so good about myself, and this is SOOO physically gratifying, let's keep on humping."

It's been a month..you two don't know one another because no matter how diverse the situations you've shared together, and no matter how intense the conversations you've had are...it's all been in generalized terms and tinted with "you're the greatest because your attention makes me feel great about myself".

Having sex, dating...NONE of that means a person wants a relationship. A relationship is I accept and admire you, I'm committed to your needs appropriately and meeting them, and I'm willing to communicate, compromise and at times sacrifice personally for the 'greater good of us".

Nobody knowing of you for one month is saying that, or thinking that. If a person wants "a relationship" and they're dating to find a partner....then if you're the right one for tem after many months of dating and interaction, they might reach that conclusion. But not in one month.

He had sex in one month because he wanted sex, and it doesn't violate his standards and values. HE wasn't necessarily (not that he's not necessarily) looking for a relationship. But, if you didn't discuss whether or not both of you were looking for a long-term partner...you took the chance of having sex without knowing if he's even considering it....and so it was just great sex.

You got laid, it was great (hopefully) big deal. The sex doesn't mean he likes you as a person less or more...it doesn't mean a thing. If it's bonded and attached you to him....that is something YOU need to deal with.

But asking him now for agurantee of where this is headed after you've had sex because you don't like having 'casual sex' - you can do it, it's just not going to get you any sort of answer that you want.

He likely does know if he wants a relationship...but he has no way to know if he wants one with you. So, it is definitely worth asking if he's seeking to find a partner..but don't go asking if you're it and make it plain you're not asking that.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 2:10pm
One month is way too soon to talk about committment. You barely know each other. I suggest you keep it very light (otherwise he may run away), and get to know him the best you can by involving him in activities that are not necessarily sex related. Talk a lot. Try to figure out how he stands on life goals, if you are compatible. Find out if you agree on the issues that are really important. Have fun, keep it light, and don't try to extract promises that it is too soon to make. I suggest you don't rule out sex, but that you do a lot of other things that don't involve sex.

Also, be very clear about whether you want to be monogamous or not. do not expect that he is dating you exclusively just because you are dating him exclusively. If you want exclusivity, speak up. He may agree, or he may not. But better to find out sooner than later.

Does sex early on ruin a relationship? I guess it may happen. Not for me. I had sex with my BF a week after we met, and we live together and are really happy (with a few glitches, but hey, we are humans). The trick was to communicate a lot and enjoy what we had, trying to build something, instead of rushing things. I wish you luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 2:11pm
well you are right. In a month there is no way to really know each other and I knew that going into it. I think that I just let the physical get ahead of the mental and stopped thinking clearly like people are known to do at some point in time. I think that because before it all happened we had discussed relationships and I asked him what he wanted to do. His answer was leaning more toward soulmate seeking. He said he had done his playing around already and he wants to settle and find the right person. I totally understand that the person very well might not be me. besides just because you sleep with someone doesn't mean that they are yours forever. My issue is i can't make that distinction in what he is saying and what is going on. The past 3 weekends he has been out of town ( super bowl, family, now the all star game weekend in LA). During the week he is playing catch-up at work and we just don't get that quality time as much. So now i have that he is saying that he likes me, which means to me that ok he is interested and wants to get to know me better, but he is overly busy. We both have pretty hectic schedules, mine with school and his with his career. I don't know if its an age thing ( im 21 he is 29)but im a little confused. SO i am guessing that i will have to wait until he gets back in town next week to have a talk. oh yeah why do guys hate talking... thats a totally diff. topic but had to throw it in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 8:16am
Well..been there..done that

You like him, you think he likes you but are getting mixed signals

Try not contacting him for awhile...let him think your not interested and when he does call see what he has to say..and if he doesn't call when then you have your answer