Boyfriends low sex drive: please help..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Boyfriends low sex drive: please help..
3
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 8:52pm
Ive been going out with my fiance for nearly 18 months now. We are engaged to be married. Problem is his sex drive is low. Im not sure if its because mine is too high though? We have sex about 4 times a week, but its usually me who intitiates it. It was like this at the beggining, although he was more interested then. Recently (in the 2 months) he has become more uniterested in sex. When we have sex though, its really good. I think he would rather watch TV and read than have sex. He also likes to sleep without cuddling. He said hes always been like this and needs space in the bed. He does cuddle me in the mornings 'sometimes' though and always holds my hand when we are out.

He also likes to kiss, occasionally.

I am sick of having to initiate it and turn him on. Why cant he do that to me?

My ex boyfriend would always come onto me first (90 percent of the time) and i always felt desired because of this.

My current guy doesnt ever look at me like he wants to cuddle or have anything intimate. He tells me that he doesnt like having sex late evening because hes tired. but in the mornings hes out of bed before me and hes not there to cuddle. Ive talked to him about this and he says that im more highly sexed than him and that hes more 'cerebral'

Am i too highly sexed?

It wasnt like this with my ex.

As a result of this Im not feeling desired or attractive much anymore.

In other areas of the relationship everything is good. He treats me very well and takes me out a lot, hold my hand etc...

When we do have sex he seems very happy and we have a good time.

What is wrong? Is it me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 10:04pm
Nothing is wrong with you or him, it's just that you have different sex drives, and that's what's wrong with the relationship. The sexual part of a relationship is just as important as any other aspect of it, and there is sexual compatibility and incompatibility. Unless you can adjust and accept him how he is, don't marry him. Don't expect him to change so that you can be more happy -- that is a sure recipe for disappointment and misery (for both of you). You shouldn't expect him to change how he feels any more than you think you can voluntarily change how YOU feel. You are who you are. It's not surprising he doesn't cuddle with you or initiate contact...he's getting more than enough sex as it is and he's probably afraid that every time he comes near you, you're going to want sex, and he doesn't feel like it, so he steers clear. Please listen: Do not EVER marry someone unless you can be TRULY content and happy with them AS IS. You are making a big mistake if you do. Believe me on that one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 3:41am

i agree with zurah - there is nothing "wrong" with either of you - but you have different needs. its like any OTHER need in a relationship - and you need to either ACCEPT (really accept, which means stop comparing him to your ex, and accepting him as a whole) or move on. DON'T even think of getting married if you are not happy with this.


sex drive can also be affected by other issues -

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 6:27pm
Yep - nothing wrong with either of you. People are just different. I have a higher sex drive than my husband, but it's not a big deal. I just focus on the quality rather than the quantity and then regularly service myself. We do other things which keep us connected - talking, snuggling on the couch, holding hands, etc. On the cuddling while sleeping issue - I totally know where your fiance is coming from on that. I cannot stand to cuddle when I am sleeping. It makes me feel hot and confined. Once in awhile my husband falls asleep with his arm around me and I have to push him over to his side of the bed or I can't fall asleep.