Am I in denial?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Am I in denial?
2
Sat, 02-14-2004 - 11:02pm
I know it's Valentine's Day and our high expectations tend to lead to disappointment but I think I am getting a messgae loud and clear from my DH. I have been unhappy fo ra while now. I am pregnant with our third child which was a bit of o surprise to us but a happy one. I had just returned to work after maternity leave and we weren't planning to have more children. I am too overwhelmed as it is. I work full time as a graphic designer and take care of the kids and all the house work. Our romance has dwindled to nothing and sex went downhill with the first pregnancy. DH is freaked out by the thought of having sex with a baby right there. I feel as though we have gone from lovers to friends. i know he loves me but I no longer believe he is in love with me. For Valentine's Day he stopped at Walmart on his way home from work and bought me a goofy card and a chocolate. I got him a massage at the spa because he's been stressed at work. He then left to go out with the people he works with. I could have gone, but really am much too exhausted by being 6 months pregnant and taking care of a 4 yearold and a 1 year old. I would have loved an evening in watching movies and cuddling but I can't make him be with me if he doesn't want to be. I truly am frightened he doesn't love me anymore. He sees me struggling trying to get things done, and only sits and watches tv. Gone are the dreams of having him pamper me while pregnant, I'd be happy if he just washed the dishes once in a while. Do you think he's sending me a messgae? Could this ever get better or am I watching my marriage die a slow death? I'm so incredibly sad and I'm scared to talk to him because I really am scared of what he'll say. How did this happen to us? We were the couple everyone wanted to be like. What did I do wrong?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: myss
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 11:22am
'Do you think he's sending me a messgae? Could this ever get better or am I watching my marriage die a slow death? '

No one here can tell you. You have to ask him even if you are afraid of the answer. You need to know it and decide together if you should seek counseling at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: myss
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 12:06pm

i agree with gina that you need to talk to him. you sound totally overwhelmed with everything.


you need to talk about this pregnancy - if you are feeling overwhelmed, i am sure that your DH is as well. you need to sit down and work out a schedule for house work and baby sitting so that it doesn't all fall on your shoulders. but you need to be able to do this without crying and complaining - just stating the facts. if you are unable to do this - then get yourselves to a marriage therapist.


the other issue - is a small one, but it is the issue of gifts. a gift is something that you give - but you can't have strings attached to it. you can't go out and get someone a nice gift and EXPECT to get something "nice" back. you got your DH a gift that YOU think he would like/enjoy. and he got you a gift that HE thought you might like/enjoy. this is not a contest. and really, its the thought that counts. i think that part of the problem in our materialistic/hallmark-y culture is that we expect more more more and bigger and nicer and sometimes there is nothing wrong with a card. THAT - in and of itself - doesn't mean that he loves you less.


third - even if he won't do fun things with you - there is nothing that says that you can't do things on your own or with YOUR friends. in fact, its very healthy. so say to DH "I am going to the movies with wasserface on monday. will you be home by 6 or should i get a sitter?" simple.


meantime - take care of the precious one.