cheating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
cheating?
11
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 3:39pm
I am married, for almost a year. I had a very good relationship with my boss of three years, he recently left our company. Shortly after he left, we kissed. He moved away, and we keep in touch via email and telephone conversations. We talk almost every day and I think about him alot.

I know kissing him was wrong, and considered cheating. Our relationship has changed, and we care alot more for one another, and my husband is unaware of the extent of our new relationship.

Am I cheating by talking,and keeping in touch with him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
In reply to: dillon24
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 6:15pm
I dont know if its cheating but I dont think its right. I realize that you are conscious of the fact that kissing him was wrong but regardless you still maintain a relationship with someone who takes away from your marriage. Someone you have feelings for. How would you feel if you found out your husband kissed his boss but then kept a close relationship with her , never letting on to you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: dillon24
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 8:52am

Forget the label of "cheating" what you are doing is wrong and is decietful, that is all that matters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: dillon24
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 4:22pm
Hon you are cheating....it's call an emotional affair, you are cheating your husband out of all the sharing you do with your ex-boss, all the intimate sharing you do with him vs your husband.

Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”

Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass


WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
In reply to: dillon24
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 8:20pm
IMHO you are being emotionally unfaithful to your spouse. You are secretly bonding intellectually and emotionally with another man, and you considered taking that to a physical level, but he moved away. That kiss and your response (considering cheating) should have been your big red flag, but you ignored it and proceeded down the road, despite what your husband would think or feel about it. That is very disrespectful, selfish and uncaring behavior IMO. If your husband was in your shoes, doing the same thing with another woman, how would YOU feel. Your behavior is not that of a devoted, committed spouse. You are not being faithful to his trust. You are cheating in my book. Why not cut your husband loose so he can meet someone who deserves his trust and love, then go be with your ex-boss if you want him so badly? Chances are very good that in *real life* your "relationship" wouldn't be as good as that forbidden kiss and the online/phone thing you've got going on with him now. Maybe you know that, and that's why you're staying with your husband. Poor guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
In reply to: dillon24
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:28am
Wrong? I'm not one cast the first stone. In my opinion the more you talk with him or see him the harder it will be for you to keep your feelings at bay. My advice would be to cut him out of your life because the temptation can get too strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: dillon24
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:05pm
thanks for all of your opinions.

I think some of you are being a little harsh, but nonetheless I guess I asked for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: dillon24
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:13pm
I guess some people are just passionately opposed to infidelity.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
In reply to: dillon24
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 8:06pm
I think i am in the same boat except the man is now engaged to somebody. I was crazy jealous when i heard because i had/have developed an emotional relationship with him. ANyone who isnt in the situation can blast you for whats going on but i know that it isnt that easy to break off when that person understands you and treats you way better than your s.o. I hope you make it through this, as i hope i can solve my dilema also!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: dillon24
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:57am
You may think that he treats you "way better" than your SO, but you are giving your SO no chance to give you what you need.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: dillon24
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 9:24am

This relationship with your boss has gone out of bounds. There is an emotional bond here and also there has been physical contact as well. Given this, it can be considered cheating - or having an inappropriate relationship with another man while married. If you continue and allow the feelings and bond to deepen, this is a recepie for destroying your marriage. Ask yourself how would you feel if your husband were doing exactly this? You wouldn't like it. You would feel that he had something going on behind your back, and you would be right. Also, the time you spend thinking of this other man, wanting him, and feeling attached to him, is time and energy taken away from your marriage. If there is some kind of problem in the marriage, why not work on it directly. Get in better communication with your husband.

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