Feeling neglected and need help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Feeling neglected and need help!!!
3
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:02pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. Our relationship was awesome and moved really fast from the very beginning, and I moved in with him after 6 months of dating. Things were so great between us when we started dating. We went out every weekend I was back from school. If I didn't come home, he came to see me. He was the PERFECT guy! And I still love him with all my heart. When we moved in together, I expected things to be different. My problem is that I am feeling majorly neglected lately. I didn't expect him to dote on me the way he did when we started dating, but he doesn't feel the need to "impress" me by doing anything for me any more. He says, "he already has me, why does he need to do things to impress me?" This really upsets me! We might go out to dinner on the weekend, but that's about it. We used to go bowling or to a movie or ANYTHING! He pretty much refuses to do anything but go out for dinner. Even then, we're home and in bed by 10 p.m.! We're like an old married couple! (No offense to anyone....) We're only 22 years old! AND he doesn't help with any of the housework. I work and go to school full time, and I take care of the cooking, cleaning, and other household chores! I'd appreciate some help now and then, but don't know the right way to go about getting it. Am I wrong in being upset with him? If not, what am I supposed to do about this? I know he loves me and appreciates everything I do, but why can't he help me out every once in a while?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:44pm
maybe you should move out. You are very convenient and accessible to him and he doesn't have to try. I guess its one of those things that if you decided to get married it might not be any diferent so you should evaluate if he is the one would would want to share your heart AND your home with for the rest of your life. You may love him, but it doesn't mean you have to continue to be in a relationship with him. I am learning that if you make yourself too available for a man, he will take full advantage of that and not meet you half way so i guess we have to play the game of a little hard to get until we know where his intentions lie. This is really a judgement call... go with your instinct because it's usually never wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:50pm
No, you are not wrong in beinhg upset. Even old married couples should take some action to 'rekindle the flame', or their love life will simply die away. At 22, it is incomprehensible why you should give up all the excitement in a relationship just because your BF is a selfish and inconsiderate moron. Excuse my French.

He doesn't "HAVE" you, thank you very much. What the hell makes him think that he can sit home watching TV without contributing to housework? What the hell makes him think that you will stick around when he has little, if anything, to offer you? Even if you were married, he still would not "have" you. You don't "have" people. You live, you share, you communicate, you build relationship WITH them. It is not an ownership. It is a daily choice, and it involves labor.

Housework is not a woman's work by definition, as many (women and men) seem to think. This is where you need to get started. Stop picking up after him. Don't cook for him, don't do his dishes. Be very vocal about what you want, and don't expect him to figure this out on hos own. Sit down with him, and explain him that, since you are BOTH full time workers and students, there is absolutely no reason why he should not do his share of the housework. Make it very clear that this is a deal breaker. Tell him that you are too young to devote your life to be someone's maid (for free, by the way!), and if things don't change dramatically he will soon go from "I have her, why should I impress her" to "woopsie! i don't have her any more!".

On social life there are plenty of possible compromises. While it is unfair to drag his tired butt out of the house 7 days a week (you can do activities without him), demand that you go out more than once a week, and do something different from restaurant. Bolwing is a possibility. A hike in the park with a picnic is another. Movies, concerts of local bands, exhibitions, there is plenty of stuff to do. If you are too tired to go out, you can still grab a DVD and munchies and invite friends over.

Oh, and read "Shacking Up". It is a book i would recommend reading before moving in, but it is helpful even after!

Be firm, and tell him that his helping out with the house chores, and his accepting a more intense social life are necessary conditions of your *not* moving out. If he whines, then drop him. Why waste your time? You have too much energy and talent to get stuck taking care of his lazy a**!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 3:46pm
Reading material to consider:

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Most talk about what needs you have and how to express them to your sig other. How to express how important keeping 'love' alive, flirting, attention, etc. so that you stay in love and by doing so showing the other person how important the relationship means to you.

My best to you.


Carrie