WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
4
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 5:09pm
Hello,

I was wondering if anyone could shed some light on my current situation if at all possible. I've been with my bf for a year and a half(off and on).We get along really well together and have a great time. Our relationship has been rocky in the past but we've both been working really hard to make things better. For as long as I can remember my bf has never really been too into kissing me. In the very begining of our relationship as I remember he did it a little bit but I guess I didn't pay too much attention to it because he made up for it in other ways as far as always wanting to spend time with me and kissing my face etc. At this point our relationship has taken a lot of twists and I do have some insecurities. I guess that's why for the past year I've been noticing and it's been really bothering me that he only kisses me on the lips sometimes. I can't even say that he only does it during sex because most of the time it doesn't happen then either unless we have a big arguement and it comes up. Then the next time we are in bed he'll make it a point to do a lot of kissing. This goes for holding hands as well. He never holds my hand in public. If we're going accross a street or something he'll always grab my hand to sort of pull me along but by the time we reach the other side of the street he doesn't hesitate at all to let it go. I've mentioned this to him but he just says that he's not big at all into holding hands. I asked why he did it so much in the very begining and he said that it was because i was new to him and he was so taken by me and just kinda wanted to touch me as much as he could to get a feel for me.I guess I wouldn't have too much of a problem with it if he just didn't like holding hands & stuff with anyone but I've had randome conversations with him in the past where he would be telling me a story about something that happened and he'll say "Yeah, one time I was at the mall with my girlfriend at the time and we had beein together for about a year or so andwe were walking holding hands and then xyz happened." I guess he didn't realize he had always told me that he didn't like holding hands but it seems like anytime he spoke to me about an exgirlfriend there's a hand holding story envolved.

Maybe I'm just overly sensitive but this bothers me to no end.Or is this an indication of how he really feels or rather doesn't feel for me? I really feel emmotionally neglected in a lot of ways even though as I said he's very affectionate in other ways. It just really bothers me that even if I try to give him a kiss on the lips he turns his head or says no and kisses my cheeks instead. He's also never told me that he loves me(directly). He's insinuated it but I just really need to hear it. Am I wrong to feel these things? Is it selfish of me to want/need these things? He does so much for me and always tries to do more but when it comes to Kissing, I love you, and Holding hands it's like I'm just S.O.L This makes me feel unattractive and unloved. What can I do?

Please help??

Missy


Edited 2/16/2004 5:26:25 PM ET by missykelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 5:29pm
Kissing is a very intimate act.... I have a very close friend, married for 20+ years, she said she went without french kissing for most of their marriage, because he didn't like it or want to. Then she told him that is was something she needed and expected, if he expected sex.

The hand holding, the stories about an ex.... sounds like he hasn't healed the baggage from past relationships, or it's a good excuse.

You are not too sensitive, IMO. Not sure I have any good advice. Sorry.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 5:39pm
Thanks a lot for your reply,

I've been pushed away so many times when trying to kiss him or just being affectionate toward him that it's not even funny. At this point subconsciously I really don't make too many efforts to do it anymore. This bothers me because I want to give my all to him but I can't because I don't feel that my needs are being met and I'm also afraid of being rejected by him. He showers me with other types of affection which includes kissing on the face,hands and hugging but if I try to reciprocate he just won't let me most of the time. I want to talk to him about it but I don't want to seem like I'm never satisfied.

Missy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 5:45pm
My sister has issue with people touching her face, including her husband and her children (even when they were little)....

Dr Phil's book - Relationship Rescue has some quizes and some exercises to define what you need and how to say it... will he read it with you?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 5:51pm
Nope:), Unfortunately he won't read it with me at all. Then if he actually does read it with me he'll just find ways to pick it apart and make it seem like it's just silly stuff. I read a lot of books of that kind and whenever he sees them he kinda rolls his eyes and shakes his head as if to say oh boy,not that again. I guess the only thing for me to do is to ask him direct questions and really see where his head is at now. I'm tired of playing the guessing game. I'm 27 and he's 32. When it comes to finances,career,etc. he's an expert but when it comes to affairs of the heart and communication I always feel like I'm dealing with a young boy.