Engaged, not having sex, having doubts

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Engaged, not having sex, having doubts
4
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 2:41am
I've been engaged to my fiance for coming up on one year now. Unfortunately, our sex problems started well over a year ago. Right around Xmas time last year, out of the blue, my sex life with my future bride-to-be hit a brick wall. Our sex life had been fantastic. We were very open, very much in love, and very sexual. We would have sex at least 5 times a week, and there was a lot of passion in our lovemaking. I would be able to get her off multiple times, without a problem.

Then one day, it seems like she just lost interest. Since then, every other part of our relationship has actually been better than any other relationship I've ever had. We have many things in common, she laughs at my stupid jokes, and we have a lot of the same friends. Not only that, but both of our families get along wonderfully. I knew I was going to marry her within a month of our meeting. I didn't rush into it, and waited about 18 months before asking her. Now its creeping up on on year, and we've set a date for this October.

Anyway, now we have sex once, maybe twice a week if we're lucky. IN fact, the last time we made love, we actually had to get into bed and more or less force ourselves into the mood. We both are fully aware of the problem, but for some reason, neither of us do anything about it. She tends to blame me most of the time, saying I'm not romantic. I make her dinner at least once a week to soft music and candlelight, usually something nice like italian, her favorite steak, or seafood. The rest of the week, I cook too. She does not cook at all. I take her out to eat when she asks. I rub her feet and/or back a few times a week. I tell her I love her daily. I've done dozens of things. I don't know what else to do.

When we talk about us not having sex and possible reasons why, she says that I don't try. I used to attempt to initiate sex with her quite often, and when I did, she would just give me a little peck on the lips and goes back to sitting on the couch, watching tv. So now, its gotten to the point where I really don't bother initiating sex, because I know I'm not going to get it. And even if I do, I get that same response.

I find myself lying in bed at night thinking I should call this whole thing off. Or maybe just packing up and leaving one weekend if she was to go home and visit her parents. I find myself getting scared more and more by the day that this whole thing was a mistake. I want it to work out, but regardless if everything else is ok, if the sexual attraction is gone, what is the point? I need help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 7:14am
Come to the Clashing Libidos board and ask the question "Should I marry her". There are people there that were in your exact same position that can give you great advice.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rlclashing&nav=start

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:25pm

I don't know what to advise you becaue i don't know where the problem is stemming from, and it could be a combination of factors. all i can tell you is that you really DON'T want to get married knowing that you have these problems already (I am currently on my way out of a 7 year marriage with NO sex at all).


its time for both of you

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 2:26pm
Before you call it off.... read Dr Phil's book Relationship Rescue. There are quizes in there that will help both of you identify what you need to feel in the mood, what you define as romantic vs what she feels is romantic. My experience is that if you meet a woman's emotionally needs, she will be in the mood more than you can know.

So in addition to Dr Phil's book consider one of these two as well:

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:14pm
Thanks for all of your replies. I'll definitely check those books out. Hopefully, we can figure this ordeal out...