Feeling a little angry and disregarded
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| Tue, 02-17-2004 - 12:28pm |
I'm not sure if this is the right place for my situation....I guess mainly I just need to vent but I'd be happy to hear any feedback.
Well, I have been with my bf for over a year now. We love eachother very much despite problems of the past.There have been in the past and even now a lot of double standards going on in our relationship. I find myself very angry when these things take place and then I feel helpless because he just dismisses it and calls it something else. He acts as if it's no big deal and finds some way to justify it. For example if I'm in his car and while getting in I move some papers lying on the seat he snatches them out of my hand and calls me nosey. If I'm in his bedroom and I look at something he has laying down or if I pick something up he always says why are you being nosey or what are you looking for. At the same time if he's getting into my car he blatantly peers through my back windows to look in the back seats at things I have back there. In my car he looks in my glove compartment and in all the compartments of the car while i'm driving and reads every little stitch of paper and if papers are on the floor he picks them up and goes through everything no matter how much I tell him to stop. When I get really angry about it and bring up the fact that he doesn't like it when I look at anything of his and would have a fit if I dared to do the same thing he just blows it off and says that it's different because he's just joking when he does it. The thing is that I don't do it to him at all. If I see something interesting I'll say oh what's this or I'll ask about it before touching it to let him know i'm curious but I feel like he snoops through my things purposely to find negative things. Like maybe another guys phone number or a letter or a note or anything that he can turn into something negative.If I go out with a girlfriend
he'll call me several times and ask me silly questions. I'm convinced that he's just calling to make sure I'm where I say I am and with whom I say I'm with. Yet, If he's out with friends or family or whatever and I call him once he either doesn't answer the phone or answers basically asking me what I want and then tells me later how I was rude to call him knowing that he was hanging out with friends.
Sunday he came over to my place and when he came in I told him that we could watch tv in another bedroom or in the livingroom because my bedroom looked like holy h** and I didn't want him in there so I had the door closed. Well, a few minutes later he was coming from the bathroom and he stops and says why is your door closed? I said because I told you it's a wreck and I don't want anyone in there. He reaches past me and pushes the door open. I told him to stop and he still peered inside before I could close the door back. He said oh, I see flowers someone sent you flowers for v-day huh? I said no and I opened the door a little to grap what he thought was flowers and handed it to him.Finally he went back into the livingroom to sit down. Lstnight he came back over and he knew that I hadn't had a chance to clean the bedroom so again my door was closed and the light was off. As he was leaving to go home he walks over to my bedroom and pushes the door open. Again I told him to stop and this time he turned the light on and just stood there looking at the entire mess even though I was yelling for him to stop and close my door. I ran over and turned the light out and closed the door back. The whole time he did nothing but make jokes about how messy it was and told me that I had everything but the kitchen sink in there. He even tried to get past me again to go back in to my room but I think he saw how angry I was and just stopped. That still didn't keep him from smirking and making his little jokes.
I don't know if I'm making a big deal out of nothing but I find myself so very upset about this. I feel like he can do whatever he wants and I just have to take it. Granted, my bedroom shouldn't be so messy but My place is really big and I just got back from vacation so I have suitcases with clothes everywhere as well as cosmetics and like he said eveerything but the kitchen sink is in there. But I feel like if I tell him to stay out that he should respect that. If I say the same thing to any of my other friends or even my mom they respect it but he doesn't. Why is this? What can I do and why am I so upset? Am I overreacting or what?
I'm just very bothered right now!
Thanks Everyone,
Fronjai

Well first off you are not over-reacting.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
Thank you so much for your reply. I totally agree with what you said and have thought about the same things myself. It's kinda odd though because I don't really mind so much him going through my things or whatever because as sad as it may sound, I want him to feel secure in our relationship and know that there is nothing going on. So I almost feel like if he needs to snoop a little bit or look at things and ask me questions then so be it. Reason being is that I know that I'm not now nor have I ever even remotely cheated on him in any way. However, he has cheated on me in the past for a period of time and while Iam still insecure about it despite the fact that I'm confident that he's done with all of that I know the importance of not letting my insecurity get the best of me. There are times when I want to look through his phone or show up at his house unexpected or go through his personal things but I just get a hold of myself and just try to get past it and then somehow he unknowingly proves to me that I had nothing to worery about and I am ok. The thing that does bother me is that I almost feel like it's a control thing for him. Like he can do whatever he wants and say whatever he wants but i can't. It bothers me that lastnight no matter how angry i was when I told him to come out of my bedroom he just kept doing it as if to say "I don't care what you say". I'm really having trouble with that aspect of it because that kind of thinking is really showing up a lot in my relationship with him. What also makes me angry is that if I say something to him about lastnight he'll just turn it all around and say well, why is your bedroom such a mess? He'll say if you don't want me to see it that way you should have cleaned it up. Then he'll say I was just joking anyway, I don't care about your messy room. I just don't know what to do but I really feel like going off on him.
Fronjai
How sad that he doesn't see his behavior is offensive. Have you suggested couple's counseling?
You also might try opening a conversation away from either house - go for a walk, dinner out, etc. and tell him - "I'm having trouble with something and I'm wondering if you can help me? Do you trust me? (let him answer or even talk) Then continue - I'm starting to wonder if you really do trust me because I notice that when I'm out with friends you will call numerous times. I feel you are checking up on me. If I have papers laying around, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to look through them, but I think maybe you are looking for evidence of wrong doing, because when I express interest in something of your papers lying around, or if I have to move some even to get in your car, I'm accused of being a snoop. From this side of things, this is clearly a double standard and my feelings, concerns and objections to this situation are dismissed without even the smallest consideration. I'm told that it's a joke, that you are doing it in fun and aren't serious, though I can't help but wonder if you are really looking for something against me. Can you help me understand this? (let him talk if he will, don't defend yourself, just listen)
If no resolution is forthcoming, suggest couple's counseling. Since we don't see eye-to-eye on this would you be willing to go to couple's counseling with me to help us resolve this issue? If he says no right off, you'll at least know how important you are to him and then I would say - Going to counseling is the only way I can remain in the relationship because as it stands now, my concerns and feelings are disregarded and I don't understand the double standard.
My best to you.
Carrie
For many reasons I too am surprised that I haven't shown him the door yet. I guess in the past he's always made me feel like i'm being silly for getting upset about his behavior because according to him he's doing it all in "fun". My problem is that now I just find it to be highly direspectful. I think I would have even felt better if while I was in the kitchen or something he snuck a peak into my bedroom if he was really feeling so curious. To me it feels like he just wanted me to know that he didn't care that I didn't want him in there. I plan to have a serious talk with him about this tonight because I'm so upset today that I'm having a hard time staying fucused at work.I've never allowed myself to get so upset about something like this before. Like I said, in the past he has always been able to justify or make light of everything he does by saying he was just playing or saying that I'm the reason for it some how. Then he totally turns it around and asks me why Iam being so mean and nasty and acting as if I'VE hurt HIS feelings.
What exactly is Passive-Agressive(I apoligize for my ignorance:))?
Fronjai
This double standards thing will never go away because it's part of his belief system and values. It is who he is and you can not change him. No matter what you do he will not change himself because what he does works for him and he sees nothing wrong with it. You don't even live together yet and look at the control he's trying to assume over you, where you go, who you spend time with, etc. Does he comment on your clothing, hair or make-up yet? This will only get more incideous as time goes on.
Luckely, you do not live together and you've only invested a year into getting to know him. I will predict (since the gaurd gets let down after a year or so) more of this type of behaviour will show. Be prepared because he will probably try to blame you for his actions and behaviour.
I've seen this before, I lived it, and it only gets worse. It just keeps escalating. Please read the following all the way through. Since you two do not live together or have any children, not all these will apply.....yet. (If some of them apply now, I can guarantee that they all will eventually, if you stay with this guy)
Traits of an Abusive Personality Are you Missing or Ignoring them? Are you being abused? Could you be with an abuser and not realize it?
Please read the following carefully and completely before answering.
Does Your Partner/Spouse Show Signs of UNWARRANTED OR UNCONTROLLABLE JEALOUSY?
Is your partner/spouse excessively possessive?
Does he/she constantly call for no apparent reason?
Does he/she drop by/come home frequently and unexpectedly at various times to see what you are doing? Or if someone else is with you?
Does he/she check the milage/gas level on your car after you've been somewhere?
Does he/she control all the money, making you accountable for every penny you spend and make you provide receipts even if you bring home your own pay check?
Does he/she get angry when finding you speaking to the opposite sex?
Does he/she accuse you of being unfaithful and having sexual relations with someone else?
Does He/She Make You Feel ISOLATED?
Do you feel lonely, sad or depressed?
Is your free time limited to his/her interests only?
Are you being prevented from having a career (or other pursuit) because of his/her fears you might meet someone else or make new friends?
Are you made to feel you must get approval to visit family, friends or the local grocery store?
Does he/she make it impossible for you to enjoy outside friendships by constantly picking on your friends or making fun of them saying things such as, they are bad influences on you, they're no good for nothing?
Does he/she punish you for having them or pick at you until you stop the relationship?
Does he accuse people who are your supporters of "Causing Trouble" or trying to turn you against him/her?
Do he/she keep you prisoner in your own home?
Does he/she refuse to socialize with you or take you any where?
Does he/she deny you access to the car?
Does Your Partner/Spouse Have UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS?
Does he/she expect you to be "Perfect" parent, friend, lover, and mate?
Are you expected to be Super Man/Wonder Woman and meet his/her every Want, Need or Command?
Are you sometimes 'punished' for not behaving or obeying?
Do you do more than a fair share or all of the work, paid or unpaid?
Is there a big scene if you express an opinion that differs from his/hers?
Does Your Partner/Spouse VERBALLY/EMOTIONALLY ABUSE You?
Does he/she ridicule or insult your most valued beliefs, religion, race, heritage, or class?
Does he/she threaten to leave you?
Does he/she threaten to harm/kill you or themselves if you leave them?
Does he/she totally ignore your feelings?
Does he/she constantly criticize you?
Does he/she say blatantly cruel, hurtful things just to upset you?
Does he/she continually degrade or curse at you in public or private?
Are you often the "butt" of humiliating jokes?
Does he/she humiliate you often?
Does he/she threaten to kidnap the children or have them taken away if you leave?
Is he/she manipulative with lies and contradictions?
Does he/she keep you on an emotional roller coaster?
Does he/she constantly find fault with every thing you do and how you do it?
Does he/she tell the children what a bad parent you are?
Does he/she tell you that you are too fat or too thin?
Does he/she always find fault and bring you down when your feeling good or disallows you any success?
Does He/She Make VIOLENT THREATS?
Do you fear partner/spouse?
Does he/she make threatening statements that involve ways of disfiguring you?
Such as: Breaking arms, legs, neck? or Threatened you with scolding water or oil?
Has he/she ever threatened you with a weapon, gun, knife, chain, etc.?
Has he or she ever threatened to kill you?
Does he/she threaten to kill themselves in front of you?
Does he/she force you to preform sexual acts or have intercourse against your will.
Does Your Partner Experience Sudden MOOD SWINGS?
Does he/she have the "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde" personality?
Does he/she quickly change from being loving and caring to completely Outraged in a matter of minutes?
Does he/she become Explosively Violent over what appears to be a minor conflict, problem or misunderstanding?
Is he/she Hypersensitive?
Does he/she try to make things you say to them appear to be insulting, hurtful or mean, claiming their feelings are hurt when in reality they are really angry?
Does he/she blame you for all their outbursts and the sudden change in moods?
Does he/she take it out on your children too?
Does he/she blame others for their problems? Saying someone is always out to get them or is doing them wrong?
Is Your Partner/Spouse PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE?
Does your partner/spouse push, shove, hit, slap, punch, kick or choke you?
Does he/she restrain you from leaving?
Does he/she throw objects at you?
Does he/she break or destroy your personal effects, belongings or furniture?
Does he/she lock you out of the house?
Does he/she refuse to help you when you are sick or injured?
Does he/she subject you to reckless driving?
Does he/she abandon you in dangerous places?
Does he/she abuse your children or pets?
Does Your Partner/Spouse SEXUALLY ABUSE You?
Are you harassed about imaginary affairs?
Does your partner/spouse assume you will sleep with anyone and everyone that comes along?
Does your partner/spouse insist on unwanted or uncomfortable touching?
Does your partner/spouse withhold sex and affection from you?
Are you forced to undress when you don't want to?
Does your partner/spouse publicly show sexual interest in other people?
Does your partner/spouse have affairs after agreeing to a monogamous relationship?
Are you forced to preform unwanted sexual acts?
Does your partner/spouse force sex upon you for the purpose of hurting you with objects or weapons?
Does your partner/spouse commit sadistic sexual acts?
Are you forced to listen to details about affairs they've had behind your back?
Does your partner/spouse rape or coerce you sexually?
Does your partner/spouse use anger or manipulation to obtain compliance while showing little or no concern for your desire not to have sex?
Are You Forced Into FINANCIAL DEPENDENCY?
Does your partner/spouse keep you and your family in debt?
Does your partner/spouse keep you from working?
If you are employed does your partner/spouse cause trouble to try and get you fired?
Does your partner/spouse keep you underemployed or force you to work a job you dislike?
Does your partner/spouse control all the money or resources, keeping everything in their names?
Does your partner/spouse make you ask for money?
Please compare your experiences with the above list of behavior. If these strategies are part of your life, you are a victim of domestic violence. PLEASE take the time to read below.
IF YOU HAVE ANSWERED "YES" TO:
1 or 2 of the questions: Take notice, strive together to improve these troubled areas in your relationship now to try and prevent future problems.
3 to 4 of the questions: Seriously examine your relationship, seek qualified counseling.
5 to 6 of the questions: Relationship is Breaking Down, abuse is the issue. Marriage counseling is not appropriate unless FEAR ceases.
7 or more of the questions: CRISIS INTERVENTION IS NEEDED! Seek individual help from a counselor familiar with abuse issues.
(from the Guardian Angels website)
Keep looking up^, Susan.
That's pretty passive-agressive in my opinion.
Here's some sources to look through:
http://www.magneticworkplaces.com/articles/121000passive.html
http://www.earley.org/Patterns/passive-aggressive%20pattern.htm
http://www.magneticworkplaces.com/articles/121000passive.html
http://www.magneticworkplaces.com/articles/121000passive.html
Carrie
This is very odd to me....my bf displays quite a few of those characteristics including but not limited to:
Does He/She Make You Feel ISOLATED?
Do you feel lonely, sad or depressed?
Is there a big scene if you express an opinion that differs from his/hers?
Does Your Partner/Spouse VERBALLY/EMOTIONALLY ABUSE You?
Does he/she totally ignore your feelings?
Does he/she say blatantly cruel, hurtful things just to upset you?
Is he/she manipulative with lies and contradictions?
Does he/she keep you on an emotional roller coaster?
Does he/she tell you that you are too fat or too thin?(says i'm too thin)
Does Your Partner Experience Sudden MOOD SWINGS?
Does he/she have the "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde" personality?
Does he/she quickly change from being loving and caring to completely Outraged in a matter of minutes?
Does he/she become Explosively Violent over what appears to be a minor conflict, problem or misunderstanding?
Is he/she Hypersensitive?
Does he/she try to make things you say to them appear to be insulting, hurtful or mean, claiming their feelings are hurt when in reality they are really angry?
Does he/she blame you for all their outbursts and the sudden change in moods?
Does he/she blame others for their problems? Saying someone is always out to get them or is doing them wrong?
Are you harassed about imaginary affairs?
Does your partner/spouse withhold sex and affection from you?
Does your partner/spouse have affairs after agreeing to a monogamous relationship?(has in the past)
This is very disturbing, I never really thought of myself as being abused. I've always seen it as problems that he and I have within our relationship. Most of the time I don't know what to do because these issues are not all constant and simeoutaneous. They all occur at very different times individually. I recently started seeing a therapist just to get things into perspective for myself. I've told her a lot of the things I've mentioned here and more. She believes that Iam in an abusive relationship but I just really have a hard time with understanding how that could be.
Thank you so much susan for taking the time to post all of this, I really appreciate it. It helps for me to hear these things from others.I'm just not really sure exactly where to go from here. Should I try and get him help and work through these things?
Fronjai
Stbx only hit me a few times and it was after we were married and had children. I always made the excuse that they were just isolated incidents and due to extenuating circumstances. Not true. The rest of the abuse (emotional, psycological, financial, verbal) well, beleive it or not, I felt somewhat sorry for him because I thought it must feel terrible to be that insecure. It was not a pained insecurity that drove him. It was choices he made to remain in control of me.
You said "I always I've always seen it as problems that he and I have within our relationship. Most of the time I don't know what to do because these issues are not all constant and simeoutaneous. They all occur at very different times individually." Of course they don't appear consistant. He knows that no one would stick around. There is a pattern though. It's called the "cyle of abuse" In that cycle there is what is called the "honeymoon" period.
You said, "I recently started seeing a therapist just to get things into perspective for myself. I've told her a lot of the things I've mentioned here and more. She believes that Iam in an abusive relationship" Yup, I believe it too. I can see it as plain as day because in the past year I've educated myself. I do not want to get myself in the same life threatening situation again. I say life threatening not necessarily because I was afraid he'd physically kill me (although I'd seen very scary rage) I say life threatening because eventually this abuse wittled away at my self-esteem and eroded my very soul, to a point very, very close to suicide. After 12 years trying to build a life, a family and a dream, after 3 different couple's counselors, after him being arrested for assult and doing an anger management program, always hoping he would change, when he turned on my oldest son one day - I finally said enough is enough. That was Jan '02.
I'd like to invite you to post your situation on a board here at ivillage called "Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse". You will be amoung an amazing group who have all been (or still are) exactly where you are right now. We all know how hard it is to understand how this can be happening. Your bf probably is described as "the sweetest guy" and your friends (if your still allowed to have them) probably do not understand what you gut is trying to tell you. Something is very wrong here. At least come over to the other board and lurk and read the info on the homepage. You will find many women (and a couple men) just like you and me.
Now as far as where to go from here? Keep seeing your counselor. It seems she recognizes your situation for exactly what it is. In abusive situations, couples counseling is NOT recommended. Couple's counseling is effective in relationships were the two parties are equal and are having problems with communication and/or compromise and each party is partly to blame. In an abusive realtionship it is not equal, there is an extreme power imbalance. The abuser is the one fully to blame but, will never accept any of the responsibility. I speak from experience, and everyone on the other board will concur, couple's counselling will only give the abuser more ammunition to hurt you and blame you.
Should you try and get him help and work through these things? Change must come from an inner desire and he does not think there is anything wrong with what he does. It works for him to be the one in control. It is nothing you do or do not do. It is who he is and he will be this way with the next girl and the one after that. I recently met a girl my stbx was engaged to, 24 years ago, that lost their baby after he threw her down the stairs and kicked her in the stomach. She told me of three gfs he had, between her and I, that he also abused, not all physically but abuse just the same.(they've all agreed to testify at my custody trial) Your bf will not change. He'll only have to use stronger tactics as time goes on. Statistically, less than 1% of abusers ever change and the ones who do, must really work hard and spend years in a batterer's program.
The injuries that you can't see take the longest to heal. You deserve much more than this guy will ever give you.
Hope to see you over on the other board. It's also never recommended to confront these guys with what you are learning. It will only bring you pain. Keep looking up^, Susan