What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
What should I do?
1
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:08pm
Hi everyone,

I'm new here and I need some advice now on how to proceed with my relationship. We have gone through another major upheaval in our relationship. Long story short, we both cheated during our marriage, we got divorced. A year and 1/2 later, we got back together, but not remarried. We have been living together for 5 years. For the last 2-3 years, I have been kind of detached from him, though I love him very much. I withheld sex from him whenever he wanted it, and wasn't affectionate unless I wanted to be. I look back now and think "Why did I act that way?", and I honestly think I was just being vengeful from not getting over the things that happened during our marriage, though I also failed. Well, I found out that he had been with a couple of other people, after I had told him for about a year to "go get a girlfriend and leave me alone". I also failed again, in that I met someone 2 years ago and have a short "fling", though at the time I did not have any inkling if he was doing anything. I truly did not think he was, as he was working so much OT on shutdowns, etc. He lost his job a year ago, and that was when I started thinking something might happen. He got really down about it, as we had just bought a new home a few months before. We have not had any money issues during this time, but he is not one to not work. We also own a business, which he became more involved in during the last year. I found out that he had been with someone recently from Nov to early Jan. It was not a constant thing. He'd only see her once every couple of weeks, and they would talk on the phone when he was at the business occassionally. They ended it before I found out, actually, which I have confirmed with someone who knows her, but does not know I am the one living with him. I did not think it would hurt so bad, but it did. I felt so crushed, and I realized how much I had been kidding myself the last few years. I knew I loved him, but I didn't think I LOVED him, if you understand what I mean. I thought it was more like a "you're my friend, the father of my children" kind of love. But it's not. I want to be with him and treat him the way I should have and SHOW him that I love him. I constantly had something to argue with him about the last few years. Since I found out 3, almost 4 weeks ago, we have gone through alot of ups and downs. At first, I wasn't going to admit what I did. When he admitted there had been 2 others during the year and 1/2 before her, I admitted mine. He was not too upset, but I can tell by his expressions that it hurts him to think about it. He tries not to wear his emotions on his sleeve, unlike me. We have been rekindling our relationship, slowly, but positively. We have spent more time going out together when our kids are doing things on the weekend. We talk more, even about nonsense stuff, or about the things the kids are doing. They are both very involved in school and sports, and he coaches our son's baseball team. We rekindled our love life in the bedroom. In all of 2003, I could count on my hands the times we did anything. We have surpassed that in the last few weeks. We can joke better and feel more comfortable. He is being affectionate to me more, which I wanted but kept pushing away when he used to do it so he stopped. He is not one for kissing in public, but he kissed me on the cheek when we were out with some friends this weekend, and held my hand at the movies. Sounds positive, I know. I have this underlying fear that it is not going to be enough. We have had several serious discussions too, over the last few weeks. First he told me that if we had acted like this all along, he would have not needed anyone else. We have talked in the last few days, and he is a very direct person. He will not say something just to make someone feel better. If he is going to tell the truth, he's completely honest. He doesn't usually talk about his feelings much, that's just how he is. But we talked sunday, and he told me that he loves me very much, and doesn't want to be without me. He doesn't know if he wants to get married again, which I'm not sure of either, because if he fails me again, it would hurt that much worse. He said he doesn't want to tell me it will never happen again, because there are no guarantees. He doesn't WANT to do that anymore, he told me. He knows he needs to get that area of his life straight, and I told him "But you said if we were doing it on a regular basis (which we have never done in 17 years) that you wouldn't need anyone else" He told me "I've never had it on a regular basis, so I can't honestly say how I would react. I don't think I would do that, but I don't want to say I never would. I don't want to be with anyone else but you, but I've been this way for so long, I'm scared I can't stop." I told him I was going to move out then, if he couldn't promise me that he wouldn't ever be with anyone else. He got very upset, and told me that he does not want me to move out, and it's not just because of the kids. Our daughter will be off to college in about 2 years, and our son is just 2 years behind her. He said he honestly wants me with him the rest of his life. He would not want another woman living with him or around his kids. He wants the two of us to be grandparents together one day, and the grandkids come to the same house, not over to mine then over to his. Should I keep worrying about whether or not we are a couple? If it will happen again? I worry mainly about him doing something, but I realize I could also do something, which I don't plan on. We have such a screwed up relationship. I know completely that I want to be with him and be a "couple" in all of the aspects that entails. He has told me that he loves me, not just as a friend either, and that I am the most important person to him, other than our children. When I ask him "Are we a couple?" his standard answer is "We're together aren't we?" and he smiles. He does not like to make absolute statements...he never has. I just worry that maybe I won't be enough for him. He told me that he prays constantly that God will help him change, and that he won't do that again. He has also prayed that God will help me to be happy, whether it's with him or someone else. He said he only wants the best for me, and he wants it to be him, but sometimes he's scared that it's not. He said that sometimes he thinks he should just let me go and not ask me to stay, and let me move on with my life. But he said he just doesn't want to give up on us, because he knows he's a good man, except for that one area of his life, and he really is. He's a great dad, a great provider, a great friend, protector, etc. Should I be satisifed with working on it one day a time? I'm scared that in a few months or few years, that we'll decide, nope not gonna work. Or one of us will screw up again. Is it worth the risk? I know I want to be with him, but I'm scared of being hurt. He was getting upset with me yesterday when I was asking him again why he couldn't just say he wanted to be with me and only me, and he said if I was so scared that maybe I should "cut my losses" and get out now. Then he seemed upset when I said I would, and he told me that he was just getting frustrated because I wanted the future answered right now, and he can't answer the future. He said there are no guarantees, even in brand new marriages that either one is going to stay faithful or in love or want to be together forever. He asked me why I couldn't just focus on today, which is what he is doing. He also asked me to please stop and realize that he is dealing with more than just our relationship as stress issues. He lost his job, as I said, and has not found a new one yet, though moneywise we are fine for at least another year. But he doesn't want to not work. He feels useless and like he is failing his family. His mother is in a relationship that worries all of her children, but him the most, as she talks to him the most out of the kids. He's thinking about selling his business that he has had for 4 years, and starting something new, just to get rejuvenated in some way in the business world. I have a good job, so I'm not worried about work. Any advice? Should I expect him to say he'll be with only me and I'll be enough for him the rest of his life, when we've just started acting the way we always meant to, just 3 weeks ago? Or should I give it time to sink in to both of us, especially him as he was the one always getting rejected by me, and now he's not?

Thanks, and I'm sorry this was so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:20pm
'He said he doesn't want to tell me it will never happen again, because there are no guarantees'

If I were you I would listen closely to those words and then decide if I could live like that. Is he worth it? Have you tried cousneling?