Please Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Please Help
2
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 7:42pm
My boyfriend and I have beeen together for almost 3 yrs. and we have been living together for 17 months. I felt our relationship was going nowhere because everytime I mentioned marriage, or even engagement, he freaked. I started to believe that he was also becoming uninterested in me. He was turning down intimate time, and never really wanted to talk. He spent most of the time alone playing his guitar, or on the internet. I felt unhappy. So, I began to have an internet affair. I started to have feelings for this guy and then I stopped what I was doing. He and I never met, we never even talked on the phone. My boyfriend found a conversation I saved the previous day. He was upset, and I understand but it seemed like he completly missed what was happening. I tried explaining to him that his uninterest was driving me into the arms of another man. I never wanted to do what I did, but I needed affection and that other guy gave that to me. I called it quits with the other guy and told my boyfriend that I wanted only him. Now, my boyfriend tells me that he never doubted that we would get married someday but now he is unsure. I feel like no matter what I do in my relationship, he doesn't want anything to change. What should I do. Keep in mind that I do love him, but at times, I am unhappy. I try to talk but, he doesn't like to talk much. He says that he has trouble showing emotions. I feel like he doesn't want anything more from our relationship. Please help!

thank you

Janelle

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 9:31am

To begin with, by an internet affair do you mean that you simply communicated with a guy over the internet and developed feelings for him? Or, did you actually meet and have a physical relationship? There's quite a difference here. If it's only the first, while it may not be something desirable while in a relationship, there's a question of whether it could actually be called cheating. Number 2 - the real issue here is not the other guy, but what is going on in your relationship with your boyfriend. The fact that you feel lonely with him, that he doesn't talk much or meet your needs is not something to be glossed over. Unless the two of you can this work out together, unless he is willing to address the issues, although you have feelings for him, this would not be a good or satisfying relationship for you. Right now you are upset that your boyfriend is unsure about you. But you should be unsure about him as well. What is really needed is for the two of you to openly and honestly work out what is going on - rather than feeling guilty or him withdrawing due to seeing you as the bad guy.


Realize that if he is not willing to communicate, deal and work on this with you, but only wants to blame you - then you do not have the basis for a healthy on-going realtionship anyway. When one person is drawn to another to fulfill needs, that is a warning sign that has to be taken seriously. So, either the two of you work on the relationship, or move forward.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 4:38pm
I agree. On what basis was your BF "sure that you would marry some day"? Was he OK with a relationship with barely any intimacy and communication? And now he is blaming you because you "dared" try to find somewhere else what he won't give you?

This guy is not worth the trouble, IMHO. If he is not willing to admit that he was to blame for the problems in your relationship, the best thing you can do is to drop him, and find someone who is willing to do the necessary work in a relationship. This means spending time connecting with your GF, not just on the Internet. Some guys think that just because a couple is physically under the same roof then they are connecting. Yeah, right. My a**!

You can make one last attempt to patch things up, but don't grovel. If he insists with his BS righteous indignation, pack your stuff and leave him on how own with the Internet and his guitar. And get yourself someone real. Beware of online lovers. While the Internet is a great place to meet a guy (I met the wonderful man I am living with on match.com), contact people in your area, so that you can meet them for real dates and real fun.