Need ur opinion!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Need ur opinion!!
5
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 10:26pm
alright so i posted on here before. I think the last time was when i wasnt engaged anymore. I gave him back the ring. And told him i was moving out. Well i didnt move out. Once things cooled I realized i wanted ot be with him. At first he didnt want me to stay and eventually he cooled and agreed. Well during that argument he told me he wasnt sure if i was the one anymore. That he didnt know what he wanted. This was after i flipped and gave him back the ring. Well we just had a argument again. We fight like once a month. But our fights always go to far. To the point were we talk about breaking up. Well he said it again that he didnt know what he wants, that asking me he feels was a bad decision. He felt forced into it. He said he loves me but "doesnt know whats wrong with him." This is a guy that rushed having sex me, rushed me wanting to move in with him after 3 months, got the ring at three months showed my parents, and talked about it to me all the time. I mean the talk was over kill. He had ample time to think about what he really wanted with how many times it was discussed. At that time I wasnt ready. And i didnt at that time want to move in with him i did it because he really wanted me too. Well this is the same guy that a 1yr later is so unsure. I was thinking maybe because now i finally stepped up and am getting into the whole marriage thing. Maybe it scared him. Because before i didnt care. But no one forced him into asking me. He made the big deal. Would tell everyone he has a ring hes going to ask me. But now hes not sure what he wants anymore? Its just so odd. We fight like brother and sister. But we both love each other unconditionally. The fizz in the relationship has died down. Like i guess it does after a yr. So im thinking that may be it too. We are both still attracted to each other. I am more than ever. But with our jobs it makes it hard for us to find time for each other "in that way" more than twice a week. Im just wondering from everyone's perspective, What is going on here. I mean he was totally over the top with being with me for the rest of his life..to the point it would almost scare me off..now its like hes not sure.. How is that possible/ And do you think that this might mean its over for him but he loves me so thats why hes staying? Im lost...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:27am

Three months is a little to ofast to do much of anything, and you guys were already angaged to bemarried!I think that you both need some time away from each other to figure out exactley what BOTH of you need.If someone is always using the break up thing as an excuse everytime you argue\, then maybe you need to take a closer look as to why hes saying that all of the time.


Communication is key to a relationship.You need to be able to voice your concerns with out being threatened, as does he.

~*cl-marsexpert*~

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:43am
Here's the deal....infatuation is "I love how your desire for me makes me feel about myself" -- that's the prevailing feeling and thus the "rose colored" perception of life and you during the first 3-9 month of any relationship.

Sex isn't love - it's I want physical gratification. It's not an emotionally bonding experience unless both people place prioritization on an emotional bond based on respect and admiration of one another PRIOR to the act of sex.

In a state of infatuation - where he felt so great about himself and his life based on your attention - he "rushed". Towards sex, towards cohabitation, towards a ring purchase, a familial discussion and a proposal. He rushed not towards "you" as an individual out of respect and admiration for your values, successes, priorities and beliefs -he rushed towards what you represented in terms of his life - that "feeling of feeling great, powerful, and invincible that your attention to him inspired him him - about himself."

He wanted that feeling above all else....he hadn't had it before to this extent, or at least in awhile. That "feeling" isn't love....it's an intense feeling of positive self-image...meaning the more powerful it it is - the more lacking in self-esteem, self-awareness, and self-acceptance the person is. Infatuation doesn't "inspire" people to action - unless they're emotionally driven and that indicates a lack of self-esteem.

Which is why people advise you NOT to rush into sex unless you don't equate it with emotional bond, or cohabitation, or comingling of families or funds - for at least 3-9 months of any new relationship or dating liason.

In the heat of infatuation - which he thought would be a never ending self-perception for him based on you in his life - he rushed towards all of this and while you grudgingly accepted - you accepted. You comingled, cohabitated, intertwined, and interspersed your future and destiny with him.

HE's emotionally driven and you can't control life or life's situations. A year or so later - there is no way that your attention and desire inspires the "self-greatness" feelings it once did and now you're in constant conflict about values, priorities, standards, and boundaries so there is just as much "negative feeling" about himself in being found wrong, lacking, or inappropriate by you - as there was positive feeling when he could do no wrong in your eyes and you let him know it.

You two haven't developed a relationship out of respect and admiration of each other as individuals. You've developed a relationship based on feelings - which are not goals, calls to action, facts, or used ot determine what to do in situations. And now you're both constantly responding to the feelings - as if they were facts, goals, or calls to action.

Face it - neither of you are who you want to be, and together both of you are doubly disappointed in who you are and where you are in life - you both thought a relationship would 'get you somewhere or make you someone" - and it doesn't and it won't.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:52am
I think that he is an extremely impulsive and emotional person. He makes decisions quickly and he doesn't stick to them. That shows his immaturity. I will confess that I think a lot of people have such problems.

Mairrage is a decision that you and I know should not be made that quickly.

But right now he is really jerking you around. And you are losing your nerves and losing your health. I know you don't want to hear this right now but you need to leave. I am going through the same thing right now and making myself a real jerk by staying. Think about it.... are you really happy staying or are you just tortured by what's going on?

You are tortured right? Well if you are does it matter whether you are tortured with him or some where else.

Think about this too. If there is really any way to make it work right now then you need to leave. Someone has to be grown up here. (don't get me wrong I know how hard it is). My live in just left me and I have called him several times sobbing. Each time I see him he only hurts me more. I have decided that I would rather drop dead than call him again. Because until you get what you want... and for you that is a ring and a date. You will be miserable. At least if you get away from him you have a chance to stop being miserable in a month or two... Right???

Good luck girl. I am in your boots and I hear ya. It feels like someone died when you are breaking up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 2:07pm
Hello, I am so sorry you are having a bad time. It kind of sounds like you are both kinda doing what you think the other one wants to do and not looking really deep into what you want personally. If neither of you are really sure of the relationship as a life long commitment, maybe you should both re-evaluate and try to back up and work at what possiblities you have now and work slower towards marriage. There are so many things you can't possibly know about the person you marry and those things, good and bad, will come up and add stress to your relationship. Starting off rocky will not be the best scenario for a long life together. My personal opinion too is that most people, including myself, are so quick to call it quits instead of working harder for a solution. It seems to me sometimes that the easiest thing is to leave, but it doesn't have to be the solution.

Good luck to you both!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 12:26am
I agree with so much of what you all said. Erin made sense of the majority of his actions. We do honestly share the same in goals. And I myself have known for along time that the only person that can make me who i am and make me happy is myself. Cant count on other people or it will be a let down everytime. That is the only thing i disagree with. We moved in at 3.5 months and we got engaged in dec. So we havent been engaged for a while. Or from the beginning. I am not the most secure person. But i dont see other people as a way of making me more secure. So i do not latch myself onto this relationship for that reason. I am in love with him and love him. We just dont work together as a team. Amd its more him not making enough effort than me. Living with someone makes it so much harder to take a step back. Because you really cant. Shy of a yr of living together it makes it almost impossible to say ok Im moving out. and thinking it will ever work out to do that. My bf is insecure. But hes the type that will come off cocky. Someone who you wouldnt think was with his actions. But deep down Id say definitly. He has been brought up in a family that holds little value to commitment. His uncle aunt and his mother have had divorces. And thats who we visit when we visit "his family." I feel its just a shame that hes like this. I do really believe that he truely loves me. BUt i dont know if he really is aware of how to make a long term relationship work. And hes 25. Im 22. I recently got a second job. And am working on getting in a factory where i will be making pretty good money. I dont want anyone to dictate what will happen in my life. Im beginning to save for a down payment on a homE. He already owns the home we live in.And should have about 13,000 next year at this time. So either he is with me or hes not. But i will get where i want to go by myself. And if hes standing along side me when it happens so be it. I just HONESLTy am lost and confused on the way he has changed. He was soo overly sure that he wanted this. And we have been through stuff from the start that has tested us. He pushed me..and now he is backing off..with the explanation..I'm not sure and i dont know whats wrong with me. He has been in two other long term relationships. So he knows what happens after the first couple months. He also had another girl live here that he was with for a year and a half before. The relationship was going sour when he found me. Broke things off and we started dating. He supposely never had the intention of marrying that girl. She thought they would eventually. But he never felt that way about her.

Its just if you would have known how he was. even my family and co workers who know him are confused. And cheating is not a option here. He doesnt have the time, or a way of pulling it off. And I have harassed him about that to the point that if it was true and with our fights it would have come out already. I'd love to hear more advice. Cause you all made alot of sense. Thankyou

lex