Out of control totally

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Out of control totally
14
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:40am
Dear All:

My live in boyfriend of 6 months just left me. We started dating by being friends for about a month. Then one night he kissed me. Immediately after and steaming an passionate kiss he told me he had problems with impotence. I discussed this with him a lot over the next few days and I told him that he should go to a doctor. He took my advice reluctantly. At first he said he had learned to live with it. After about two weeks at the doctors he started to improve. The doctor said that he was normal but that he had problems with commitment phobia and that I should take it easy on him. I will also add that my boyfriend is 32 and he has never had a lasting relationship before me. (Part of that though is because he was involved in a war for 6 years in Europe). And I think that is part of the reason he is traumatized.

I noticed that while we were dating that he was sometimes frustrated. He would usually vent his frustrations on objects (hit the wall, tear his clothes) but he was never violent towards me. In January he moved in with me. By that time he had calmed down a lot and we were really enjoying each other. I was really pleased to have him in my house because he was charming, very loving, helpful to me around the house etc... I had a really bad cancer scare at that time. The doctors told me that I had to do some biopsys. Everything turned out ok though. Also around New Years time he started mentioning that maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we started to be a family.

I don't think that we fought often. Maybe like once a month. But the one thing that really bothered me is that when we did fight he would always tell me that he was not meant for relationships or mairrage, that he cant see himself having kids etc... It would really upset me when he said those things especially when two weeks ago he said it again after having told me for New Years that it would not be so bad to have a family.

Two weeks ago I was waiting for him to come home and I did not know where he was. He likes to go out with his friends from time to time. While I had no problem with that I was angry because he told me he was coming home earlier. I was waiting with dinner and plans to go to the movies. Finally at 11 pm he walked in. I yelled at him. He immediately told me that he is not meant for relationships and that he can't stand this anymore, and that he is losing his feelings for me and that he had to go and that it is much better for him to be alone. He took some of his stuff and left.

Since he left I have only seen him once. We went out to dinner and to the movies. He was really sweet that night and I thought we were on our way to patching things up. But then afterwards he did not call or write. Last night (6 days later) I finally broke down and called him because I just was so lost without him. I asked to see him. He agreed to see me but he was really upset and kept asking me "what do you want from me and why are you playing games with me". I have never played any games with him.

I never felt a single moment that he ever lost his feelings for me. The night before we broke up he was so sweet and everything was fine. All of the sudden he is just gone. I feel like I am out of control because I can't see him and I can't let him go. What do I do?///

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 11:36am
The Vending Machine analogy....

The man thinks that relationships are vending machines. That when he wants something - he puts something into it. And when he doesn't want anything he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants - and then the vending machine will still be there ready to serve him the next time he inserts a quarter and wants a pack of gum.

That's why at 32, he has never had a serious relationship. He's emotionally driven - he uses feelings as facts, goals, and calls to action. His feelings determine what he's going to do - and as a result he's like a ball in a ping-pong machine - taht is constantly richetting off the consequences of his actions - with more emotionally driven actions - trying to "get away from his previous results" with no goal in mind - other than to "feel good".

He is not "traumatized" and if he were - you could not solve it. Your love, adherance, devotion, acceptance and tolerance of him will NOT overcome the issue.

he wants a relationship when it is easy, convenient, beneficial, and a source of comfort and security for him...but he does NOT want that relationship or that person in his life if it requires him to be anything but emotionally driven 24/7/365.

You are better off without this in your life. Do alot of personal introspection so that you can figure out why you want a "project" for a partner - rather than a complete person for a partner.


Values justify behavior. His values have justified and entitled him to everything he's done, and will ever do. You don't control his values.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 12:53pm
What to do? You know what to do. Start believing him when he tells you that he is not made for committment. Whatever his problem, he does not want to fix it. If you are OK with being involved with an irredeemable committmentphobic, fine. Otherwise, if you want more (and you obviously do), move on.

I know it is hard. Been there, unfortunately, myself. I am not suggesting you just brush him off your life. It will be painful. What I am saying is that, painful as it is, it is your only option, because 9as they say in my homecountry) you cannot get blood from a turnip. What this mean is, if he CANNOT give you committment, it is completely unreasonable of you to expect committment. There is nothing you can do to change him. Don't think you can patch things up. He does NOT want to be involved with you. he is probably sweet because he feels sorry for you. Do you want him to be with you out of pity? No. You want someone who ADORES you. This is what you deserve.

Move on. Stop contact with him. If he won't be involved with you, then he cannot have you as your friend. this would be too painful for you. Go online and find new friends. Take a class. Go work out. There are many ways to keep your mind away from him, but it will take work and effort on your part.

Hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:10pm

just wondering - did you go with him to the doctor? are you saying that after being impotent for years? months? 6 years? he went to the doctor and in TWO WEEKS he was CURED of impotence? this sound a little off to me. also = the doctor told YOU that "he was normal but that he had problems with commitment phobia and that I should take it easy on him. " or this is what your EX told you.


i agree with the others - you need to let this go, you really DON'T need this kind of garbage in your life. a relationship should be good, committed, supportive - everything that this man is NOT.


you deserve more than this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 3:52am
The psychiatrist that we went to told me that he had problems with commitment and that this is what directly caused the impotence. The doctor told me that I had to take it easy on him and not to frighten him. The doctor almost insinuated that the impotence was a result of the fact that I am a dominant person. I knew this was nonsense because he has had this problem for several years. I was really angry about the doctor. We even went to see another doctor with the same result. I live in Eastern Europe ... the access to healthcare especially psychiatry really sucks.

I know that this is something that I don't need. In fact I can tell you that after all this work to try to make him feel better I feel completely spent. He was supposed to come over last night because I had to go to the doctor for a biopsy (i have had some alarming changes on my cervix). He did not come over instead he sent me a text message on my mobile phone saying he was sorry he could not make it, that he wanted to be there with me, and that he did not want to make it any harder on me.

I feel so cheated. I had given so much of myself to help. But I decided I am just not going to respond. He had no problem being with me when he needed help. But when I need help and support he is too busy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 11:13am
Thanks alot ... in my country we say you can't get blood from a stone. Old wisdom is good wisdom. I have printed all the responses and they have gone a super long way to making me feel less guilty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 11:23am
If you take your time, energy, effort, funds, contacts, abilities, and skills and put them out on a buffet and say to any man you meet - here, enjoy the buffet.

Don't be too surprised when at the point you can't put more out on he table and need some help in the kitchen to prepare more delights...he's outta there.

People that want an equality based relationship - don't belly up to a buffet table for free.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 12:17pm
ok don't quite get that analogy....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 1:23pm
Okay....more detailed....your talents, abilities, contacts, assets, money, time, effort, and options - youo've gone out and got this very "secure framework" - and you're over here opening the door to anybody that would possibly be interested in "getting what you've got" and saying "come on over, ease, convenience, benefits, options, comfort, security - all at no cost, no obligation - just come in and see if you want it and if you do, take it".

People that take you up on that - your help, your generosity, your offers, your assistance, you making their life easier, more comfortable and convenient...they are NOT looking to be of benefit to you....they are only interested in you because of of no-obligation benefit to them. The second you need or want someting - they're outta there.

They didn't come in that door saying "I'll pay for the food" - they came in because the ease, comfort, convenience, benefits, and options of your life were offered to them free, at no charge, for their use as they saw fit - no strings attached.



Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 1:33pm

well, ok. he is a violent person, he has sexual problems, the resons you have not had major fights all along probably has something to do with the fact that you are aware of his violent tendencies and you probably walk around on egg shells around him


so ---- you give and give and give. and you really believe that YOU have some kind of POWER to "fix" him. and i am sure that he DOES have a few moments of being *ok*, so that helps you to believe that things are working out.


well - been there done that. i am now in the process of getting divorced. and it was a horrible 7 year marriage,, and i also thought that i could "fix" my STBX and i also thought that all he needs is a little TLC and everything wil be ok. only its not ok, and life doesn't work that way, and what we ended up with was two emotionally unhealthy people living together. my stbx was always "not feeling well" he always needed to be driven to the doctor, he was on meds, he was always cranky and depressed. and guess who was his live in maid/driver/nurse/laundress/nutritionist/cook etc? yup, me.


and then i actually got very sick - i had cancer - and guess who took care of me, drove me to the hospital, held me when i was throwing up, made me tea? not him, no he couldn't DEAL WITH IT.


is that what you want for yourself? is that what you deserve? if you STILL want to be with him - try getting some help for you. even in eastern europe

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 3:50am
I am sorry to hear about your cancer and I hope that it is something that you can beat. I am also sorry to hear about your divorce. Besides being a good talker about my own problems I can also be a good listener. So if you ever need to... feel free....

I just wanted to add a few things to what you said to me....

As far as doctors we tried two of the best doctors in the country. Both of them were professors at the University of Medicine. We live in the Former Yugoslavia. As you know there has been a long and bloody war here. A lot of the professionals left. The difference between here and the level of professionalism you could find in Isreal are tremendous.

Not to contradict you at all. What makes all of this hard for me is that he was super loving and very generous. I had a cancer scare in December. We had to wait for the biopsy results for two weeks. I was so convinced I had cancer. And it was cervical cancer so I had to face the possibility that I may not be able to have kids. During that time, I was really depressed. He took care of me completely. Drove me to the doctor, held my hand in waiting rooms, cleaned my house, made me dinner. You name it. He was a real trooper and generally most of our time was spent in peace, love and joy. That is what makes this soooo hard.

YET then were the horrible times....

When we fought it was always over his going out too much. His immediate response would always tell me that he was not meant for love, not meant for relationships etc.. I would get angry. He would get angrier. Then he would do something shocking like go out to the balcony of our apartment and put one leg over. I fell on teh floor and started to cry. He came to help me, put me in bed, and then he would fall asleep next to me. The next day starts off with no one mentioning what happened last night. These fights happened once a month.

But there were outbursts that were not directed towards me. These occured more often. These would usually invovlve him getting lost on the street, or not being able to find an address, getting into a car accident, losing his car keys etc... Then he would tear his clothes, or lay down on a busy street, or throw his mobile phone until it burst in a million peices. I read up on this and from everything I could see ... he had the classic signs of post traumatic stress disorder. He had the same symptoms as many Vietnam veterans coming back to teh States reported. Yet the doctors claimed it was commitment phobia and that his impotence was linked to my dominant personality. I knew this was a load of C----. Because he had been impotent for 4 years prior to meeting me and it had nothing to do with me. I am normal and have never caused another man to be impotent. For christs sake.

Anyway thanks for your letter. I actually went out last night and got a little tipsy. I remember laughing with my friends. So I guess I will start to climb out of this.

I really envy the fact that you live in Isreal. I lived in Jordan for three months while I was on mission with the UN during the Iraqi crisis. I really loved the region. And I know that I would even love Isreal more. I have been trying to get stationed there for years.

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