Is it time for a Divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Is it time for a Divorce?
8
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 7:49pm
I am totally confused. I am upset. I am hurt, depressed, miles away from my inner self. I am on the rocky mountain most of the time and I want to fall off. I have asked myself many a time why I married this man I am with. I thought I loved him, I thought that it was the real deal. I never saw the signs, never understood that this can't possibly be the path I want to be on for the rest of my life.

My story...

I married at the age of 25, interracially and interfaithly. Never questioned either. We have 2 children. I am now in my 30's and have no idea what I have done with ME? I don't know where to find her anymore. I used to have dreams and most of those have died off. I have children, my whole world revolves around them. I love them dearly and they are what keep me afloat. I can't imagine my life without them. My husband works day and night, and I probably see him a little less than the equivalent of 2 days in a 7-day period. I have grown considerably detached. I don't have that love I once had. I remember waiting up for him at night and I would try to be romantic, only to be second to the liquor. You see my husband has a drinking problem. He can't turn the bottle down. The bottle is his romance, his love, his partner. He knows that and admits fully to that. He is not an abusive drunk, but one who breaks down and talks about his wants and needs and apologizes for anything that happened during the week only to forget that anything was said at all the next day. So I have stopped listening to him because I know he will recant later. He is the type of drunk who would call home and say "Honey I will be home in 20" only to show up 3 hours later, with me wondering how in the world he made it home, and not understanding his resoning behind not giving me that deserving phone call to let me know something was more important at the time than me. Of course we know that call will never come..."oh sorry honey but I am going to get drunk instead of spend time with you in bed" lol. Oh well....one too many times and I can't get that part of ME back either. That part has been lost for about 5 years now. The romance stopped, I can honestly say that sex isn't a priority on my list and if he is lucky we might be intimate 3 times a year. Kissing, that isn't in my vocabulary anymore, and neither is hugging, I feel smoothered. Now that I am in the male bashing mood, I will add that.... my husband is not romantic at all. Never has been, was before we got married but after the "I do's" that stopped almost completely. I am on the opposite end of that spectrum and am totally romantic, although things have put a damper on ME. His idea of being romantic this Valentine's was...giving my daughter a bunch of chocolate covered roses and telling her a little late in the day that one of those was mine, after I overheard him telling her that those were for his baby girl and that she could give one to her brother if she wanted to. Then he laughs it off telling me that I am too sentimental and that Valentine's was society's way of guilting men into being loving and caring and giving on one specific day in the year. That he is nice to me everyday of the year and that he is giving by letting me spend his money that he works so hard for, and that he is caring by giving us (his family) a roof to sleep under at night out of the cold. That part of ME is no longer available to him, the romantic side that was ME once before. I don't know....I am tired, I am so tired. I don't like the life I am leading, I need to make a change, but am not sure what change that should be. I have threatened with divorce before and he laughs it off. Tells me that I am being a "big baby" and that I need to mature in order to deal with things in an adult fashion. That I can't take the heat and that if I keep poking at the big dog that that big dog is going to bite. I am tired of the verbal abuse. He tells me that he is in no way, shape or form abusing me. I am always being made to feel guilty about something and he is always making me feel belittled. I really feel like I am about to snap in two and there is nothing that is going to put ME back together. I am always made to feel like I am miserable and that I make everyone including my children miserable. He will ask and poke and poke at me "what's wrong?" "is something wrong" Nothing, I can honestly say that nothing is wrong most of the time...but by the time he is finished poking and picking at me I am livid. He won't take no for an answer. He is upset that I don't go running to the front door happy and excited to see him like the kids do. Well because I just got talked down to over the phone on his way home. He upset me the night before and he wouldn't listen to me. Anything could cause that, but like I said before....years ago I would wait for him, I would open the door to greet him, I would make every effot to let him know how much he means to me, and he blew it. I can't bring myself to open the door to a drunk, I can't bring myself to open the door and be happy with someone who just called me a Big Baby, Imature, or Childish. I don't understand him. I don't understand why this is a one way street. He can say and do what he likes and expect me to be happy with it, but the minute I say that he is being disrespectful because he would rather get drunk than come hom to the wife who just called him to please come home to discuss some matter, or calling me a big baby because I can't understand why he thinks that "go ahead and go" means just that but without giving me the heads up that he is actually going to go do it until the very last minute. Of course never telling me when it was that this was happening or with who? Buy hey see you later type of deal. Calling me Imature when I want to discuss something with him that seems way below his level of conversation.

Well if wanting your husband to call you to let you know that he is staying out all night with friends at the bar when he has already called you to tell you he will be home in a few minutes is being imature then so be it. If asking your husband to have the decency to let you know that the boss called and told him he had to go out of town next week instead of hearing it from the other personel when we have plans is imature then that is fine with me too. I can go on and on, I have a list of things I could mention along these lines...but I won't. I married someone who I don't understand. I married a man I thought I loved, but things changed, I still love him but it isn't on that deeper level we all know, knew well. I have seen sides of him that I wish I would have never seen. I never would have imagine that married life would mean that your husband can call you childish, immature, mindless,doesn't need to tell you anything - ever. I have been up at all hours wondering where he is only to get that phone call from the police station arrested on DWI. I have woken up in the middle of the night and have found him passed out in the car. I have seen the car parked in our lawn after a night of drinking. I know that if he would control his drinking things would probably improve, but I don't know if I am ready for that next level. I don't know where I really want to be in 5 years? When we first got married there were bets placed that we wouldn't last a year. To this day I am still asked why I put up with all I put up with. I am constantly told that if it were their husband they would have left years ago. I don't know how to answer that. I am not sure why I am still here. I know that I have two children, and I really know that he loves and cares for them deeply. If I were to pack up and leave he would be torn in two. He loves those kids...I wish I could say he thinks the same about me. He says he does, he says he is trying, and I know he has been trying. I have seen improvements in the drinking...but the verbal abuse is still there...and like he says the "...dog will bite", well he has biten in more ways than one, and I just can't get ME back.

How do you get that part of you back that has been lost for so long? How can I learn to let him love me or even love him? Is it too late to save what I think can't be saved? How do I get Me back?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:10pm

Have you tried attending Al-anon meetings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:47pm
Hello Sheri,

Actually I did attend Al-anon meetings for quite a while. The only thing I got from it was more grief, him telling me that it was my problem not his and that I was right in going to get help for myself, that that would help me deal with the problem that wasn't his to begin with it was mine because I couldn't understand him. Well I have understood him, and I see what triggers each drinking binge. I have come to realize that all the nagging in the world isn't going to help, that is why I have detached. I have stopped the nagging. I have stopped telling him that it is wrong and all sorts of bad things can happen. I have stopped caring. I know he comes home late, but I have learned to sleep through it. I used to get up at the sound of the key in the lock. I used to get up at all hours with the chills wondering where he is. Now I get up to check on the kids if one is crying, notice it is 1am and no husband...I just get back into bed. I have learned to turn it off, but only to a certain degree. It scares me that I have gotten used to the fact that he might not come home at all, I might get that dreaded police visit, I might never see him again. It almost doesn't bother me. It is almost like I am preparing myself for the worst to come. I have stopped trying to call around to find him. I hate to say that I don't care...but it is like I really don't. I mean after years and years of the same thing day in and day out...it would be hard to keep caring at the same level when it happened the first time. It is going through the motions now. Him not coming home is just part of the everyday motion.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:59pm
'I have detached. ... I have stopped caring. ... I have learned to turn it off, ....I might never see him again. It almost doesn't bother me. '

Then why do you stay? It doesn't sound like he is good for you or is a good father. I think you need to do what is best for your kids. What are they learning by observing your husband's behavior? What are they picking up from a mom who is detached from her husband? what are they learning about love, addiction, codependency, marriage, respect.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:19pm
Talk about a light bulb moment! My kids. I love my kids. I am teaching them everything I don't want them to learn right now, and it needs to stop while they are so young. I want them to fall in love and know it will last a lifetime and never question their feelings. I want them to see that drinking doesn't solve anything. I want them to know that they deserve to be respected and loved unconditionally. Oh I have some thinking to do. Thank you for your two cents worth...it is worth more than that to me right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:04am
I too was in a situation like yours. We ended up getting divorced because I filed once I found out that not only was the drinking a problem, but in a counseling session he said "I want to date other women". Well, dating and marrige don't go together. My children were 4 and 7 at the time. For the 1st 2 years of our divorce my ex didn't see the kids much, he had other things he would rather do. I remarried and moved about 50miles away. Then "dad" found a girl friend who actually had an affect on him and he started seeing the kid regularly. It has been very very hard on my kids to have a "normal" child hood. They gave up alot of opportunities to be in activies 100% because dad and I had to drive them back and forth for certain weekends. They did participate in activities though and are really good teens now. My dd never had a good relationship with her dad and has opted out of going to his house alot in lieu of high school activities. My ds decided dads was more fun a nd moved there last summer.

Divorce is a horrible thing no matter what you try to do. I didn't have divorced parents and don't fully understand what my children feel. Would I do it again? Yes! I am a better person for not staying with my alcoholic ex. I think I have been a much better mom because of didn't accept that. I am afraid that my son will develope the same problem now that he is with dad, but I talk to him alot and we are close.

My whole decision of leaving my ex was based on what was best for my children. It has been hard on them, but I don't think things would have been better had I stayed in that non-marriage with their father.... just my thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 12:10pm
Thank you so much for your thoughts. My husband is off from work today and it is so quiet in the house. We took the kids to school, and went to breakfast. We probably said 10 words to each other. He isn't the type that will come out and apologize for any wrong doing, because he doesn't ever think that he is in the wrong. I am sitting here hoping that he would just say something to make me feel better, but that never happens, I usually end up feeling worse. He's upset that I wrote him a note explaining my feelings, and how horrible I feel about him telling me that I make him, my children, and everyone around me miserable. How was that suppose to make me feel? I make everyone miserable...that doesn't say much about me now does it. Everyone would be better off without me? Is that what he is really trying to say? I can't help but think that this is his own little way of telling me that he wants out of this relationship even more than I do. Thanks for your words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 1:59pm
I lived like this for years. I know what you are going through. You have nothing to look forward to and nothing will change that. You will never get back what you had. What you have now in the relationship is what you can look forward to for now on. This is a verbally abusive relationship, and no he isn't going to admit to it because it doesn't see it and he is in control every time he makes you feel bad. What do you do, try to make things better or crawl deeper into your shell. Get out while you can, before there is nothing left of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 2:57pm
Thank you for your words of knowledge. I don't know why I am always thinking that I am the only woman out there who lives like this. I thank you so much for responding.