How can I improve this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
How can I improve this situation?
3
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:53am
What would you do?

I have a 21yr old ss that moved back in with us 4 months ago. He left our house 2+ yrs ago because of drugs and because he had dropped out of school and was sleeping all day. Now he sleeps all day and I suspicion drugs, but have no proof. He claims to be looking for a job, but I don't expect him to find one for much more than minimum wage. So my question is when will he move out? He has destroyed the room he moved into. That room was remodeled when he left the first time. The smell is disturbing to everyone. HE is up all night and sleeps all day. His mother doesn't want him to live with her but she bought him a car he drives with no license or insurance. He refuses to get a license unless we pay for his insurance. We can't afford that.

My dh and I both did not want him back in the house, but dh felt that it was the streets or our house. I told my dh then to do what he felt he had to do but I didn't agree with it. He promised me the son would look for a job and help out. Is he looking for a job? I guess if there is any place that interviews at 4am he is. He doesn't help around the house, in fact just stock piles dishes in his room and then dumps them in the sink.

My dh and I have no other fights except of his kids. We don't even fight about my kids.

With us at home we also have his son age 20 who works, but nothing else. My dd 17 lives here too but is a Sr in high school, very active in activities and helps me alot at home.

I keep asking dh if his son(s) are making plans to be independent and I get "I don't know". He doesn't talk to them. They know how to come and go and never see their dad. SS 21yr even had a girl sleeping with him, but he was told by dh that that won't fly. I was shocked when I heard my dh tell him that. I figured he would let that go too.

The first 2 weeks he was here, I was waking ss up and telling him to go look for a job everyday about 5pm after my long work day, until dh asked me to stop harrasing his son. So I stopped. I sacraficed my desk and my area to give his son that room to move into 4 months ago.

I feel like I am making all the sacrafices and they are doing nothing. DH just gets mad at me and gives me quiet treatment everytime I want to talk about how long his son's except to live with us. He says I should not let it bother me. But as long as dh is not put out - cleaning dishes, etc. he feels all is great.

I am ready to say make him leave or I will. But then I am sacraficing alot of other things like a life with my dh and moving my dd etc. My dh and I have a good relationship other than our disagreement over his sons.

He feels they should stay as long as it takes. I say they need to stop mooching off of us. Should I tell dh the son has to move out. Or should I start waking son again and telling him to get out and look for a job, ????

What would you do?
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 12:49pm

I would definitely sit down with your husband and tell him this is it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 1:39pm
It's like this...you'r enot going to make that boy do anything, and you'r not going to make his father do anything.

You're talking as if you have options and choices...the only decision you've got to make is this...are you going to live there while the kid lives there ad infinitum because dad doesn't do anything about it....or not? That's the only decision you're being called on to make because you odn't control what other people do or want...only waht you do and want.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 3:22pm
I would get the 3 of you to family counseling. I would tell DH it was counseling or divorce. You can not continue to live like this and the son is not going to leave until his father throws him out. That isn't going to happen anytime soon.