At what point have I earned time for me?
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At what point have I earned time for me?
| Fri, 02-20-2004 - 5:55am |
Well, here I am again. The last time it was me trying to figure out how not to smother my boyfriend. And well, I had learned a lot and I think overcame my problem. Since then, he's moved in with me. Ever since he's moved in with me, I feel like I have been walking on eggshells to avoid smothering him. I asked him how he felt about "us" and he told me I was perfect. That I was perfection in his eyes. I have been really trying hard. He has said all along that I have needed to make more girlfriends to hang out with. I have. But, he has this computer game, which he swears is AFTER me in the line of importance but I just don't feel like that. Why you ask? well, lets see... Like I said, I have been trying VERY hard to give him the space he needs. I fully understand why a guy needs his alone time. This week, we were home together on Sunday but he played his game and I read magazines and such. Monday, he has bowling and I went along. I always do. Tuesday, I made plans with a girlfriend to go out. He went out with the guys. Wednesday, we had a quick bite together but then again, he went bowling alone with the guys. Thrusday it was my understanding that it was out "date night" (to explain that, I felt like I wanted one night a week that it would just be us. A time to reconnect. He thought it was a great idea) well, he has this habbit of answering me sarcastically about everything. When I asked him for Thursday for date night, he said "no" which I took to mean "yes...and it was stupid that you even asked me that". Well, Thrusday rolls around. I've rented 2 movies, got out some popcorn to pop, and poured a glass of pepsi. All the while this is happening, I see that he has logged onto his game. I ask him if he's planning on coming to watch movies with me. He says maybe. So, I said "what about our date night, ya know, the one night I get alone with you, no interruptions". He says "we can do that Sunday" I say "Sunday is next week". Long story short, I felt like I had done enough to ensure his free time (Did I mention I made plans to go out with the girls Friday 2/20/04 so that he could play his game all evening?!?!). Anyway, I must have made him feel quilty because he laid there and watched the movies with me. BUT, I felt like I was being punished because he hadn't set aside any time for ME and when I wanted it, he gave me the cold shoulder. He laid on the couch with me but we didn't touch at all. Then when we went to bed, we usually cuddle. NOTHING. in the mornings, NOTHING. IN FACT, not only did we not cuddle this morning, he got out of bed at 4:10 am to play solitaire. I got up and looked at him. I said "do I bother you that much?" and he just tells me he's "got stuff running through his head"... long story short, I asked for ONE evening with him this week and he punished me by being there and not talking/touching me at all. Am I STILL asking for too much?
Sunday: PLayed his game all day
Monday: We went to bowling together. I hang with his best friends wife during that time
Tuesday: He had a night out alone with the guys. I went out with a girlfriend.
Wednesday: We got to eat together, cuddled about 10 minutes. He went bowling with the guys.
Thrusday: I wanted "date night". He gave me cold shoulder while he watched movies
Friday: He knows I have plans to go out with the girls to give him "time"
So, tell me, what else do I have to do? At what point is it ok for me to feel like I deserve his time? I am just getting SO sick and tired of feeling this way!!!

What can you do? First stop walking on eggshells (and I know that is easier said than done) but you are hiding your true self and your true feelings. If you BEING YOU makes him leave, it might be for the better. You can't keep the relationship going on your own.
Have another conversation with him - I need date night to be important to us as a couple, if it's something that is met with sarcasm, anger, indifference, then maybe we should re-think our relationship and where it's going.
Your perfect to him because he gets to do exactly what he wants, when he wants and doesn't ever have to meet your needs because you don't speak your truth about what you want and need because you are afraid of pushing him away. Have you checked out the Co-dependency board - I bet they could tell you what's going on in your situation.
Also, when he plays the game, can he do something else at the same time? Like listen to you read to him a book, something you would both enjoy?
You are waiting for him to want to spend time with you but you don't see it happening. I feel for you.
Carrie
Hi
I would liken this to emotional blackmail.
Is he in counseling to deal with his issues?