At what point have I earned time for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
At what point have I earned time for me?
4
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 5:55am
Well, here I am again. The last time it was me trying to figure out how not to smother my boyfriend. And well, I had learned a lot and I think overcame my problem. Since then, he's moved in with me. Ever since he's moved in with me, I feel like I have been walking on eggshells to avoid smothering him. I asked him how he felt about "us" and he told me I was perfect. That I was perfection in his eyes. I have been really trying hard. He has said all along that I have needed to make more girlfriends to hang out with. I have. But, he has this computer game, which he swears is AFTER me in the line of importance but I just don't feel like that. Why you ask? well, lets see... Like I said, I have been trying VERY hard to give him the space he needs. I fully understand why a guy needs his alone time. This week, we were home together on Sunday but he played his game and I read magazines and such. Monday, he has bowling and I went along. I always do. Tuesday, I made plans with a girlfriend to go out. He went out with the guys. Wednesday, we had a quick bite together but then again, he went bowling alone with the guys. Thrusday it was my understanding that it was out "date night" (to explain that, I felt like I wanted one night a week that it would just be us. A time to reconnect. He thought it was a great idea) well, he has this habbit of answering me sarcastically about everything. When I asked him for Thursday for date night, he said "no" which I took to mean "yes...and it was stupid that you even asked me that". Well, Thrusday rolls around. I've rented 2 movies, got out some popcorn to pop, and poured a glass of pepsi. All the while this is happening, I see that he has logged onto his game. I ask him if he's planning on coming to watch movies with me. He says maybe. So, I said "what about our date night, ya know, the one night I get alone with you, no interruptions". He says "we can do that Sunday" I say "Sunday is next week". Long story short, I felt like I had done enough to ensure his free time (Did I mention I made plans to go out with the girls Friday 2/20/04 so that he could play his game all evening?!?!). Anyway, I must have made him feel quilty because he laid there and watched the movies with me. BUT, I felt like I was being punished because he hadn't set aside any time for ME and when I wanted it, he gave me the cold shoulder. He laid on the couch with me but we didn't touch at all. Then when we went to bed, we usually cuddle. NOTHING. in the mornings, NOTHING. IN FACT, not only did we not cuddle this morning, he got out of bed at 4:10 am to play solitaire. I got up and looked at him. I said "do I bother you that much?" and he just tells me he's "got stuff running through his head"... long story short, I asked for ONE evening with him this week and he punished me by being there and not talking/touching me at all. Am I STILL asking for too much?

Sunday: PLayed his game all day

Monday: We went to bowling together. I hang with his best friends wife during that time

Tuesday: He had a night out alone with the guys. I went out with a girlfriend.

Wednesday: We got to eat together, cuddled about 10 minutes. He went bowling with the guys.

Thrusday: I wanted "date night". He gave me cold shoulder while he watched movies

Friday: He knows I have plans to go out with the girls to give him "time"


So, tell me, what else do I have to do? At what point is it ok for me to feel like I deserve his time? I am just getting SO sick and tired of feeling this way!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:17pm
This is only my opinion and hopefully others will give you theirs - reading your post made me think 1) here we have two people living very separate lives, not really acting like a couple, but saying they are in a relationship and 2) that he isn't placing a priority on togetherness time but rather pushing you to do more 'single' activities with other people so he can do what he wants. If you are going to be single, you may as well BE SINGLE. Meaning, there is no point to living with someone and yet acting single without care for the other person in the relationship.... but even more than all of that, I got that 3) the two of you aren't on the same page with your needs, expections, desires and communication.

What can you do? First stop walking on eggshells (and I know that is easier said than done) but you are hiding your true self and your true feelings. If you BEING YOU makes him leave, it might be for the better. You can't keep the relationship going on your own.

Have another conversation with him - I need date night to be important to us as a couple, if it's something that is met with sarcasm, anger, indifference, then maybe we should re-think our relationship and where it's going.

Your perfect to him because he gets to do exactly what he wants, when he wants and doesn't ever have to meet your needs because you don't speak your truth about what you want and need because you are afraid of pushing him away. Have you checked out the Co-dependency board - I bet they could tell you what's going on in your situation.

Also, when he plays the game, can he do something else at the same time? Like listen to you read to him a book, something you would both enjoy?

You are waiting for him to want to spend time with you but you don't see it happening. I feel for you.


Carrie

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 6:51pm

Hi


I would liken this to emotional blackmail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:52am
well, to explain a little about my boyfriend and the type of person he is, he was in a marriage before that ended horribly. Long story short, he let this woman distroy this tender loving soul that he used to be (friends and family alike feel this way). SO, over the years, he's built these horrific walls around him to protect himself. That having been said, he has trouble letting himself go and becomming completely loving and caring again. That would explain (to me anyway) the reasons for always wanting to live somewhat separate lives. Because if things don't work out, he's got something familier to go back to.. sad way to live). NOW, I know it's not fair to me to have to live in a relationship like this. But, it's a choice and a challenge that I am willing to take on (for now anyway). This weekend (after the bad week) there was a huge breakthrough. When he did what he did (about ignoring my date night wishes and punishing me) he thought about things for a couple days and eventually came to apologize to me. When I told his sister that he said "I am sorry" her chin about hit the floor. She said she doesn't think those words EVER passed his lips before. And even after he said it, I didn't tell him that everything was ok. I just hugged him. Then, we had a good weekend with my family. And then on Sunday when I had a kinda rotten day (nothing he did) he had planned on playing his game that evening. When we got home, he hopped on for about 20 minutes. Next thing I knew, he came in and snuggled down in our big comfy chair with me, cuddled all night and into the next morning. I think he knew I needed that and was able to recognize it. So, maybe what I needed was last week to open his eyes and know I need more from him than him just TELLING me he loves me.. I need him to SHOW me he loves me. I think maybe he's getting it. And I know that it will take a lot of time to break down these walls. Lets just hope I don't lose my mind in the process. Baby steps!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 7:15pm

Is he in counseling to deal with his issues?