What is going on??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
What is going on??????
14
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:13am
So i have been with my boyfriend for 5 years... we have made it through many TRYING times and I was starting to think that we were headed for that "happily ever after". About 2 years ago I found a phone number on his cell phone bill that he would repeatedly call late at night on the nights that he was out and about.

I built up the nerve one day to call it.. and it was someone named "Jasmine". In the 3 years that we had been togather, I had never heard him talk about her... So I confronted him and of course they were "just friends"... well, I left him for a few months because I felt betrayed that he couldnt be open enough to tell me about her without me having to find out by rumaging... we had to work through some trust issues.. and out of LOVE for each other, started seeing each other again. So for the past 2 years we have been having a wonderful relationship... I am really trying to be everything that he needs and vise versa... Except for this morning, I looked at his cell phone and saw that last night he called her atleast 7 times in a row (back to back to back until she answered) when he was supposedly at "Dinner with his job".

I could always call the girl just to try to get the truth... but why should I question my man's word? I am a secure woman and really trying to live with a trusting relationship... but this for some reason is really bothering me... What do I do??????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:12am
If they are really friends then why haven't you met her? It sounds really suspicious to me especially because he talks to her so late at night. I would talk to him about it and ask to meet his friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:30am
Bottom line, that kind of behavior isn't appropriate for your level of relationship. I coudn't tolerate such a thing. Especially because 1. he never told you about her on his own free will, and 2. You've not met her. If she was "just a friend" I feel that both things above would have happened.

Trust... once an issue, always an issue. I hate it! Been there. Done that. Ain't doing it again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 12:52pm
I went through this same thing. I was with him for 6 years. I asked my man about it. He said they were just friends. He was a personal trainer and she was one of his clients. I told him I felt like something else was going on. I took his word for it. Later I found out that he had been seeing her. She was a married woman whose husband had cheated on her. I guess he felt like it was his place to confort her. He had been slepping with her for over a year. My gut told me something was up. My gut was right. Follow your gut feeling. Spare your self years of heart ache. Good luck to you. What ever you do I wish you strength!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:10pm
Yes... gut and instinct are both kicking in here.... thank you for all comments

I am not going to make excuses for the behavior... because I know that I wouldn't do that to him.

Love is a B****. He tells me everytime that I have asked him that they are friends and that he is allowed to have friends and that I should stop being insecure. See... he is in sales... and he is always trying to "close the deal" and with me it's making me feel like I am the one that is jealous and insecure for not trusting him when he says "just friends". He is very strong willed and sometimes its hard for me to get my point (my feelings) accross. I feel like it is too much to ask him to leave her alone for good, and I feel like I shouldnt have to be checking up on him. I am 27 years old for christ sake and this seems so Jr High!!!

I just wish I could get him to see that "hey this is affecting the way I view this relationship and is causing me to re-evaluate the situation" without him thinking that it is an insecure thing...

cause that's what the conversation always seems to boil down to!!??

Thanks so much for your "words of wisdom"!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:36pm
There are so many problems with your situation. I agree with the others. IF she was *just a friend* you would have met her and he would talk about her, her life, what that do together and talk about. The fact that he's hidden her, not introduced the two of you and the fact that he only calls her in the evenings..... would have me wondering.

Dr Laura wrote 10 Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Lives - she talks about outside friendships.

Obviously she fills a need, he likes her attention and quite possibly he's having an affair with her (an emotional one if nothing else). He's already cheating you out of the things he talks with her about, he's lied to you about the nature of the relationship, you haven't met her, etc.

:: He is very strong willed and sometimes its hard for me to get my point (my feelings) accross.

OF COURSE he is. Because he will say and do anything to keep you from knowing the details so he can keep up the *friendship*.

What do you want to do?




Edited 2/20/2004 1:39:27 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 9:20pm
You ask "why should I question my man's word?" Well, because you know he's lying to you. If he told you he was at dinner for his job but he's calling her 7 times in a row, then he's lying. See, you know deep down she is not just another friend b/c he's not treating her the same as his other friends. He only calls her late at night when he's not with you. And he lies about it. Only people who have something to hide, hide things with lies. It will be pretty hard for you to develop a solid, trusting relationship with a liar. Impossible, in fact. You've tried and done your best, but he's not respecting you enough to do the same. You can't have a healthy, successful relationship when only one person is striving for it. Don't you think you deserve better? You won't find it if you settle for this.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 9:29pm

Wow, what a classic liar's response!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 5:26am

"I am really trying to be everything that he needs and vise versa..." really? is HE really trying? doesn't look like it. if she was "just a friend" - then he wouldn't have to hide her. its ok to have friends, its important to have friends, but he is not open about her.


"I am a secure woman and really trying to live with a trusting relationship" well - (a) obviously you are NOT a secure woman, otherwise you wouldn't be feeling the need the rummage thru his phone. (and I am not saying that you are not JUSTIFIED in doing so = because you are going to wave the results in front of my nose and tell me "see! I knew I was right", so all i am saying is that if you WERE secure and if your relationship WAS a trusting relationship - then you wouldn't feel the "need" to check, and (b) you can't be in a trusting relationship on your own. either the guy is trustworthy or he isn't.


just curious - how did you "work through some trust issues" before. if he DID cheat on you, or HIDE relationships, or whatever he calls it - how did you work thru that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 6:13am
YOu know what. I am sorry to say that I don't think anybody is really secure totally. And people worry about what their lovers and/or husbands are doing and I think it is totally natural.

And if I were you I would get to the bottom of it. Because the sooner you know... The better you will know how to deal with it.

I tried to be the so called confident woman and not rummage through things with an ex of my two years ago. After 8 months of dating him and being really close to him and even getting f---- engaged know what I found out.....???? That he was married and his wife lived in California. They were seperated and still seeing each other and still sleeping together. Since we lived far away from California.... I never knew. His so called business trips were visits to see her. So hence. If you have a doubt check it out.

If you were wrong. then so be it. BUT I DOUBT IT> IF it smells like a rat it is a rat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:58pm
well, the reason why we had issues was b/c of this girl...

he was going out 4 nights a week... he has always been really private... he doesnt want to tell where he's going... with who... and when he'll be back.... i suppose it is the HUGE Male Ego that he has to feed day in and day out...

I am the opposite... i am the nurturer and the calm girlfriend who just takes sh** and keeps going.... I love the guy ... we have been togather for 5 years....

Well anyways... when he was going out... I started thinking that there was something going on... we used to do everything togather... now i am always at home... alone... while he comes and goes as he pleases. I figured he is just getting it all out of his system so that we can settle down one day.

So I open his phone bill and there is a number, her number, repeatedly on his phone bill... so I made a copy... put it on the kitchen table with her number highlighted everytime it showed up on the list.... i would make notes on it, on this date.. you stayed out all night and here is her # being called 10 times.... I packed my stuff and left.

He called me everyday... came to my office, to my moms, did everything that he could to take me back. I am the idiot... i told him it was b/c of her. And i repeatedly told him that I had to meet her if he really wanted me back. well, he told me that i was soooo jealous and that I should stop being that way and that if i met her i would still be jealous, and it wouldnt help the situation.

Well, i went back to him and never met her... now 2 years later, happy years, i started to get suspicious when he went out 4 nights in a row (he had been home with me constantly before that). So I checked his phone, and who's # was there?

I have been tempted to call her but I think that is tacky.... If i feel like I am not getting an honest answer out of my man, how else am i supposed to get the truth??????

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