Love the man, hate the relationship.

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Love the man, hate the relationship.
13
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 7:33pm
I'm very sad about this. I've been dating a wonderful man for over a year. The thing is, we've always had connection problems. I know, big deal, doesn't everyone. I don't want to change him or anyone but I have a very definite vision of how I want a relationship. I've told him that it isn't working for me, that I crave a deeper connection. He says he does too but that he has trouble opening up. Okay, that's fine, I'm willing to help him work through that. If that's what HE wants then I'll be patient and help him get there.

We had one fantastic weekend about a month ago. Both of us said it was exactly what we've both been seeking. But ever since then he's been even more in his shell and I hate it. We talk and we talk and we talk some more. I'm so frustrated, saddened and disappointed. I guess we both are. What do I do? I love so much about him but I feel so lonely sometimes in this relationship. Any thoughts will be so appreciated. Thanks!

**gentle hugs**

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 8:30pm
Been there. Was in a 13 yr. relationship with a man who was unable to open up and communicate. We even tried counselling, which I suggest is your next step. Your bf is not going to be able to change himself without professional help IMO. Communication is a life skill that should be taught from early childhood. An adult who's never learned that skill has a long road and a lot of hard work ahead of them in order to get there. That's why I think you need professional guidance with this. My relationship didn't succeed b/c my ex never did overcome his inability to communicate. Hes a good person with many great qualities. But it takes more than that to create and develop a healthy, satisfying, close relationship between 2 people. It takes open and honest communication, and lots of it. I have that now and it's like a different world. Best of luck to you.
Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 1:00am
Hi,

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. But let me ask you, should a relationship such as this require THIS much work? Is this a sign that it's doomed to fail?

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 11:18am
Opal, I have found through my own experiences that when you're in a relationship with someone who's a right fit for you, it's not a struggle. It's pretty easy, even during times when you disagree, etc. There's an overall feeling of satisfaction and contentment that comes without you even trying or thinking about it. If your bf wants to change, then he might be able to. But it will take a lot of work, and time. If you think the relationship is worth it, then give it a try and invest that time. In my life I personally have never seen someone change dramatically in who they were. But others say they have, so I have to believe it must be possible. I think it's rare, though. That's just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 12:24pm
If you are measuring your boyfriend against your vision you may never be satisfied if your vision has extremely high standards. If your vision is "hollywood romance"-like then it could be unrealistic. Acceptance and compromise are very important in a relationship and my concern is that you have very little of that with him because of your vision.

Dr. Phil wrote a great piece about Relationship Myths. Here's the URL to read it ... it is worth the read:

http://www.drphil.com/advice/advice.jhtml?contentId=082902_relationships_myths.xml&section=Relationships/Sex&subsection=Dating/Singles

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 6:44pm
I didn't see anything in her post to indicate she has an unrealistic vision or wants a Hollywood romance. I don't think a deep bond and good communication is too much to strive for or unrealistic. It sounds like you're telling her to settle, and IMO that's why so many people end up unhappy in their relationships...they settle for less than they want and need to be happy and content.
Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 8:39am
Thanks Zurah and everyone else.

I have to say Spice.man, your post had me confused. Boobeetrap spoke of a seemingly effortless, contented relationship. Then I read your post that made me think perhaps this sort of bond is a fantasy and I should simply give up this desire. I agree, I have to see my role in our problems.

I love him b/c he's strong, safe and gentle. I hate our relationship b/c it's boring. He's aloof and I feel more like a companion than a lover. He always talks of wanting to find someone to share HIS life with and I crave finding someone to share OUR lives with. I know he loves me but I don't feel he "cherishes" me. Is this Hollywood romance that I'm seeking?

Any guidance will be greatly appreciated. I really want you all to know how much you're helping me sort through this. Thanks!

**gentle hugs**

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 8:48am
Thanks again. Sometimes I don't know how far people follow a thread unless it's directed specifically to them especially on such an active board. So, I wanted to copy and paste what I wrote in response to another poster. I really value your thoughts.

________________________

Thanks Zurah and everyone else.

I have to say Spice.man, your post had me confused. Boobeetrap spoke of a seemingly effortless, contented relationship. Then I read your post that made me think perhaps this sort of bond is a fantasy and I should simply give up this desire. I agree, I have to see my role in our problems.

I love him b/c he's strong, safe and gentle. I hate our relationship b/c it's boring. He's aloof and I feel more like a companion than a lover. He always talks of wanting to find someone to share HIS life with and I crave finding someone to share OUR lives with. I know he loves me but I don't feel he "cherishes" me. Is this Hollywood romance that I'm seeking?

Any guidance will be greatly appreciated. I really want you all to know how much you're helping me sort through this. Thanks!

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 10:43am
Perhaps I'm not understanding correctly. Are you missing the infatuation that is present early in relationships? What specific actions are you looking for from him so that you feel cherished? Quite frankly, when a woman says to a man "I want to feel cherished" we don't know what we have to do for you to have that result.

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:35am
Ahh, okay, let me see if I can clarify myself a bit. A little background may help.

D and I met online over a year ago. Early in the relationship he sent me touching emails after our dates. He was very affectionate and gave me lots of attention. Then within a month of going out he said he loved me. I was like "huh?". It was way too fast and something didn't seem to fit. Though I liked him, I sure wasn't anywhere close to being in love yet. I felt uncomfortable and immediately presumed that it was *I* who didn't know love. See, I was relentlessly sexually abused as a child by my step-grandfather. He made it out to be this loving affair so my ideas and perceptions of love/sex have been grossly distorted. Please understand I've spent the past 5 in intensive therapy for this so I'm way down the road. Still, I wasn't sure why I freaked so much. I told him I needed him to back off the "I love you" talk for the time being until I could find my way. He was okay with that. Now that we have much stronger (and more real) feelings for each other I get nothing more than an obligatory "love you" at the end of the phone call.

I have told him repeatedly and very specifically that I want him to treat me the way he did in the beginning. I told him I want to hear him really tell me he loves me rather than some flip puncuation at the end of a call. BTW, he admitted the other night that he only said those things in the early part of our relationship b/c he felt I wanted to hear them. Argh! See, that's why I flipped. I sensed the insincerity in his words and actions. I'm very sensitive to being played. He says he is scared off from being more romantic b/c I made such a stink about it last year. Try as I might to assure him of the differences, he still seems resistant.

I always have said it's easier to give birth than it is to resurrect. So often I worry that this relationship is requiring too much resurrection. Mind you, I would LOVE to help him work through his insecurities about sharing and opening up. Quite frankly, I know I want and need someone to support me as I continue dealing with my own wounds. Passion is still a troublesome spot for me. I see the work bringing us much closer together. But I'm not going to do the work for him. It seems as though the only time he really pays attention to me is when I threaten to leave. That makes me feel it's not me he's in love with, but he wants what he can't have. Make sense?

So, please, if you see anything in here that might help me I would love to hear about it.


**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 1:18pm
You've had some very unfortunate and regrettable childhood experiences and they have no doubt significantly influenced your wants, needs and expectations for your relationships today. Based on your past I am not qualified to give you solid advice but I can share some personal experiences which may help. These personal experiences come from my childhood dealing with an emotionally abusive mother who was a perscription drug addict.

What I learned is that going through abusive situations has a direct impact on how we perceive and give acceptance. Our ideals or standards for acceptance can be significantly higher than others since we didn't feel accepted as kids no matter what we did. My guess is that you do not feel accepted by your boyfriend because he is not giving enough affection & attention to you in the ways you need to receive them. The weekend you had a month or so ago represents the acceptance ideal you have and you need that repeated on a consistent basis. Would this be an accurate statement? The other question will be - can we expect the intensity and consistency of those feelings to be present on a daily basis?

Your boyfriend does have his own issues and I somewhat understand where they come from. When a man is vulnerable and fully displaying his emotions and then gets cut down at the knees, he becomes very hesitant to repeat that scenario. What he needs to learn is that with no risk there is no reward.

Finding acceptance starts with offering foregiveness. Foregiveness provides great freedom and with this freedom you open your world to a great amount of choice. With this freedom the past becomes irrelevant as you can not change it. You can live for today and the future with a positive frame of reference. That's your job. Are you able to forgive your boyfriend's past words and actions? Are you willing to redefine acceptance from this day forward?

All of this is based on my personal experience and the things I did to move forward. It took a lot of time, effort and patience. It may not reflect at all where you are at but this is the only way I could see to address your situation as I am not qualified to offer solid advice.

I wish you the best of luck as I would guess that both of you are unsure as to what you need to do and the best way to have it achieved.

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