getting him and his trust back

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
getting him and his trust back
2
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 2:58am
Basically, my boyfriend and i were going out for almost 8 months. But right before I went out with him, I went to hell and back with my exboyfriend. What happened to me before with the exboyfriend was bad, and i mean bad, I would cry everynight, I thought I loved him, he would cheat on me, use me for sex, it was just horrible, but I was just so attached. So anyways, I got with my new boyfriend, he made me feel new again, he was greatest guy in the world. But one day my ex gives me a call and tells me how much he misses me and how he loves me. I turn him down and keep going on strong with my boyfriend. But gradually, I begin to think about him and think of what he's doing with himself and getting the feeling of wanting to talk to him. But not in a really bad way, I was just curious, I guess. So more months pass by and he calls me again and I turn him down once again. I'm thinking im doing well untill one day I meet the girl my exboyfriend cheated on me with and we talk and make up saying, "no hard feelings." She tells me how she's so stuck on him and so forth. We just had this really long conversation about my exboyfriend that night I met her. I dont why but i began to get interested in my exboyfriend again. I guess it was the hunt of it, I dont know. He wants me, and he's wanted by many. So on the day after new years I plan things out and meet up with him and his friends. I dont know what was going through my head but I wanted him to like me. and it happened. For a couple of weeks he was calling me and i was calling him, while i still had my boyfriend. And finally I started meeting my exboyfriend and hanging out. Oh yes, I wasn't seeing my boyfriend that much during this period because he was always very busy and was away for a while. So back to the story, so when we were hanging out I went to his house and one thing led to another, and we did it. But the thing was, while I was getting what I wanted and getting intimate, the attention and how he was falling head over heals for me finally, I realized I didnt like him anymore and he look like an really ugly rat and also realized how my boyfriend was so much better than him in every way. I didnt really want to do it but I guess i just wanted to get it over with and never talk to him again. Couple days later, my boyfriend finds out the whole story because I'm the moron who should of known that my exboyfriend's sister is my boyfriends best friend who knew. So he finds out everything and breaks up with me. It was the worst mistake i've ever made in my life. I feel so stupid. I pleaded for him to take me back and he did. But it just wasn't the same and I was so distraught by the consequences bc obviously he acted so differently around me. He didn't trust me. He's the type of person who doesn't trust many people and the fact that I broke his trust like that, wow it was just a big mistake. He keeps pushing me away, but he's really on and off with me. Sometimes he looks at me like he wants me and other times he acts as if i dont exist. He wants us to be friends, but I want to be with him. It's really difficult because sometimes he says really mean things. I do deserve it all though. But i'm so sorry. I regret it SO much. I love this guy. but he's mad that I had to realize i loved him after I cheated on him. He doesn't want a relationship right now with anyone, especially with me. And he says all the "I love yous" i say to him and all the letters and sweet things I do for him are useless. How do I get him back? We're kind of friends because we talk on the phone once in a while, but in public he acts like i'm just another girl and he flirts with girls in front of me. But he also knows that I'm very jealous. I've been following him around everywhere trying to show him that I'm always going to be there. He gets kind of annoyed at times. But I can't help it. I dont want him to think of other girls cause im not around. My friend already spoken and tells me that theres nothing that I can do. but said that he asked him who thought he was going to marry, random question, and "my boyfriend" said me. I'm just so confused. The bottom line is he doesn't trust me. The fact that I let such a thing happen that i slept with another guy makes him feel so betrayed. What do I do? It's been a month after I had cheated on him. we are going to the museum this weekend, but don't let that be misleading because he emphasizes that he can't be with me because he can't trust me. Please if you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. Sorry if it was long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 12:35pm
This may seem like it comes from out in left field but have you thought about counseling? You have to figure out why you were attracted to someone who cheated on you and treated you so bad. You also have to figure out why you wanted someone who had a girlfriend and were willing to ruin your relationship with. Why you also were o.k. with doing that to another girl-helping her boyfriend cheat on her.

Explain to your recent ex that you are in therapy and getting help with your jealousy and cheating problems.

In the long run, even if you don't get back together with him, this will help you with future relationships. Your self esteem needs a major tune up

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 7:04pm
I am not trying to judge you or lecture you, I am only saying this in hopes it might help you. I think you should stop dating altogether and go to counselling. You need to figure out why you are making such self-destructive choices. At first I just thought you were probably young and immature. But after getting through your whole post I don't think you're emotionally stable or healthy. Only a healthy person can have a successful relationship. If you can cheat on a person who you know has trust issues but has placed his trust in you, especially when you yourself know how painful it is to be cheated on, then you need some therapy to find out why. You can't be selfish and disrespectful like that, totally disregarding the feelings of others, and expect to have a good relationship...with anyone. There is nothing anyone here can tell you to do that will "make" your bf trust you again. You blew it. Now learn from it and do something for yourself to help you in the future. Counselling. Hope this helps.