Please help! In affair with married man!
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| Sat, 02-21-2004 - 4:48am |
I've been married for about a year and a half. About 6 months into my new marriage, I started having an emotional affiar with a older, married man (married for 27 years, with 4 kids -- I'm 28 and he's 50). For the sake of this discussion, I'll call him "Dave".
I started to become emotially attached to Dave fairly early on, but everything was VERY innocent between us for the first 6 months. We're coworkers, and started spending lunches together when we didn't have clients to take out. Then we started hiking together and helping each other watch what we eat (my husband is interested in neither) -- and ended up losing a total of 50 pounds between us! Eventually, of course, we started talking about our personal dreams, aspirations, lives, etc. I began to completely admire, adore, and fall for Dave. He was by far the most intelligent, caring, beautiful soul I had ever met.
And Dave admitted early on that he had fallen for me. He was in a relitively "workable" marriage, but married to a woman who cheated on him 4 years prior (with his cousin), and who had not told him she loved him since. She also had refused to show what I consider to be "basic" forms of intimacy, like kissing (she told him about 10 years ago that she didn't like kissing). On top of that, she is a devout Mormon, and because Dave has not always been "true-blue", he was very often made to feel "inadequate" and could not live up to her or the church's standards.
Dave was drawn to my acceptance of him, and the fact that I truly adore and appreciate him for the man that he ALREADY is. I do not wish to change him (his wife keeps trying to "fix" him), and he has often told me that he has never been loved so unconditionally by anyone in his life.
My own marriage has had it's share of bumps, but I have never been unhappy with my husband. He is a good man, but sometimes hard to talk to, and we can NEVER discuss the topics that Dave and I always enjoy. I know that my husband loves me dearly, but I don't have the spiritual or soul connection with him that I seem to have with Dave.
And now recently, Dave and I have started to make love. For the last 4 years, I have been less than excited about making love with my husband (we dated for 8 years before getting married), and had actually thought that I may have become incapable of intimacy. But sex with Dave has been unbelievable. The way he kisses and touches my body, and the way he makes me feel is almost impossible to describe. I feel so irrisistable, so feminine, and so completely wanted by him.
My husband has always been an attentive lover, but I have been unresponsive to just about everything he tries. I just can't get aroused by him, even though he's always been the type of man I've been attracted to. Dave, on the other hand, has an older (albeit still quite handsome), less muscular body, and often only lasts a few minutes (if you know what I mean), but I never seem to care since he's so completely in tune with my body, and never tires of pleasing me (my husband lasts FOREVER and also tries to please me, but it's just so DIFFERENT for some reason). I also never tire of pleasing Dave, due to the deep emotional connection I feel for him.
I love my husband, but feel like I'm no longer "in love" with him. Dave, on the other hand, seems to complete me in some way. I respect him and seem to learn so much about myself when I'm with him. He makes me feel as though I can do anything, and I feel like I am a better person just by being around him. My husband is a good friend, but I do not always respect his actions, nor do I learn much from him.
Please help me -- I'm in tears as I write this. Dave is currently getting a divorce from his wife (he says the religion thing is the deal-breaker, because she continues to insist that he needs to fix what he doesn't believe to be broken -- his spirituality).
I think my family and friends will think I'm out of my head if I divorce my husband and then end up with a man who is old enough to be my father. And I've always wanted to have children, and Dave has had a vasectomy and isn't sure if he does or doesn't want more children.
My husband and I were in love once...maybe we can get that back? Or maybe it's way too late. I want to be honest and tell him about the affair, but I know he'll be completely crushed, so I refrain.
Or maybe Dave is really my soul mate? Should I throw caution to the wind to be with a man who seems to complete me, who lifts my spirits and enables me to be free to speak my thoughts and dreams?
Help, help, help! Some advice please!! (sorry for the novel!!)

Running to another man will not solve your problems. One day when you are having issues (like when you are having problems getting acceptance from his 4 kids) at least one of you will wake up and wonder when the other is going to cheat on you because you have proven that that is what you do during the down times
If you leave your husband, spend some time alone. You don't have to choose one man.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
I don't know what's going-on with you and Dave really, but it's very possible that he was looking for a vulnerable/sympathetic person. He took it a little far telling a married woman about his marriage problems, in my opinion. A lot of times, sympathy is the easiest way to set someone up into having an affair, especially if they're normally a conscientious person. He shouldn't have been trying to draw your sympathies away from your husband towards himself. I think he may have taken advantage of your age difference. Older people are good at manipulating younger people. Think about how easy it would be for you to manipulate a guy in his twenties, especially one who cared about other people but wasn't always clear about what he should do.
I would think long and hard before trading your marriage for this guy, or even telling your husband about it. I don't believe in keeping secrets, and perhaps he has the right to know, but as you said, it will hurt him. SOMETIMES, people get caught-up in and taken advantage of in situations THEY never really intended, like an affair. But because it happened, it can be really hard to get out of later. And the other in the affair can make subtle inuendos that couldn't be defined as a threat exactly, but your subconscious picks-up the meaning. Just be careful that you're not confusing HIS desire for your own, they're not the same.
Your husband sounds like he has desire for you, maybe as much as this other man, you just don't feel that way about it. Maybe you should talk to your husband about what WOULD make you feel desired, desireable and wanted. Sometimes women get ideas about romance that are unrealistic. In the lyrics of a song it says, "You've gotta take a little dirt to keep what you love." I know of what I consider a great writer who said, "If people will continue the early attentions begun during courtship, instead of marriage being the end of love, it will be as it were it's very beginning." It sounds like you have a GOOD foundation in your marriage, you just need a few garnishments. Best of luck to you!
I think satiation is similar to habituation. Where we stop really noticing what we see everyday. It seems VERY likely to me that you'll become satiated with Dave at some point also if you continue with him. I would advise that IF you have a good marriage, for you not to go looking for fulfillment in another man. Seek it in something else, another pursuit. I personally believe that ONLY a personal relationship with God can satisfy the human heart for more than a short space of time. There's nothing wrong with having the other things, but after we get fulfilled, it behooves us to reach-out to others and give from our abundance. Good luck!
When your 50, and your wonderful partner is 72, will love still bloom? You better decide if you want to live with your husband and save your marriage or pack your bags to live with someone that may or may not be around when your 50...
This guy has made you lose your commmon sense. I hope for your husbands sake, you see what a fool you have been in falling for a married older man, while your marriage is crumbling beneath your cheating heart....
Right now the two of you are making an effort to see each other, hang out, flirt (the very effort you stopped putting into your marriage, I might add) but trust me when the rigors of daily living, a routine gets established, things will change.
How will either of you trust each other? You both have already cheated, emotionally and physically. What happens when you two no longer see eye-to-eye or the flush of love wears off after 8 years, will either of you seek out other companionship that leads to an emotional affair and sex, then another divorce.
As for a soul mate, sounds to me that you and Dave are more like kindered spirits... if you want a soul mate relationship, behave like one. Your 'soul mate' wouldn't belong to someone else.
Read this:
Question: I’m 49 years old, currently single, and having an affair with a married man. He’s 53 and neither of us has ever done such a thing in the past. I don’t believe he has any divorce plans and I’m not looking for him to. And I am ethically opposed to such marital betrayal. Seems to me this will eventually end with emotional pain — mine, his, maybe hers. Why, in your opinion, are two intelligent people taking such a risk? I just don’t seem to have the resolve to stop this.
Answer: Have you ever had a moment you just wanted to freeze and keep forever? Maybe it was a great conversation, a meal, a sunset, or some moment of bliss that you never wanted to end. In the back of your mind, you knew it would be gone soon. Maybe you went so far as to try and preserve it even though you knew that was impossible. But change is the most inevitable thing we face — everything changes.
It sounds to me like you’re trying to preserve this relationship against all odds. And, in so doing, you shed light on some of the most compelling reasons that people have affairs.
THE COCAINE OF ROMANCE
An affair is a relationship out of space and out of time. Although it is bound to end (everything does), an affair holds an implicit denial that it is vulnerable to the same forces as all other normal relationships.
Affairs are the cocaine of romance, always promising that initial rush and trying to eternally preserve the infatuation stage. Add to that the intrigue, secrecy and ever-present risk of getting caught, and you have a very powerful aphrodisiac. Maybe that is why infidelity is so common. Studies have found that approximately 25 percent to 37 percent of married men and 15 percent to 20 percent of married woman admit to having had extramarital sex at least once. It is likely that these numbers are actually much higher since those who engage in these dalliances are, by definition, accustomed to concealing the truth.
In addition to getting hooked on the juice of hormones, endorphins and adrenaline, we find several other themes that make affairs so compelling:
Control. No one wants to be the yo-yo; everyone wants to be the string. The closer someone is to you, the less control you have since true intimacy requires surrender. But an affair keeps the string in your hand because it is inherently limited. Even though you both are doing things you probably don’t want to do, when it comes to the big enchilada — namely commitment — you are safe.
Fear of intimacy. This is the fear of being truly seen. Affairs keep people stuck in the “early relationship” stage where everyone is on their best behavior, says please and thank you, and shaves the appropriate parts of their respective bodies.
Putting this kind of energy into being on your best behavior is all well and good, but not when it’s in the service of hiding your true self. Many people believe there are parts of themselves so unacceptable that to have them seen will inevitably result in them being rejected. Their solution: don’t ever relax, hope, or truly get involved with another person.
In addition to keeping you at a “safe distance,” an affair gives you the extra bonus of keeping your life intact so that when you are inevitably dumped, you haven’t lost anything. It’s like flying a flight simulator — you get all the thrills and none of the risk. Great solution, if only it was real.
Emotional claustrophobia. Some people feel that settling down with another person confines them too much. So affairs are great because there’s none of that forever stuff and there is always a way out.
Committed relationships can unleash a torrent of doubt. People wonder, “Is this it? Is this the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, who I’m going to retire with, who I’m going to die with?”
A committed relationship can also bring up all kinds of other unpleasant questions, such as, “Would I have been happier with my high school sweetheart?” or “I don’t see rockets — is this all love is?” or “Am I now on a collision course with retirement and death?”
An affair is like a fountain of youth. It encourages you to believe that your options are still open, more love might still happen, and you are still young and living a life of continuous adventure. By the way, if this doesn’t do it for you, heroin provides a similar effect.
Fear of success. This one is especially true for women. Face it, if you were involved with an available man he might just love you back and there would be no inherent reason for the relationship not to work out. You would get what you probably don’t feel that you deserve: unadulterated love. But with an affair, no matter how wondrous it feels, it is inherently flawed and limited.
FACING THE INEVITABLE END
Instead of obsessing about how you know you should stop the affair, think about what it is you are avoiding by staying in it. By continuing the affair, you’re missing out on a real relationship that is vulnerable to all the vicissitudes of time and place. In a real relationship, you could be with someone forever, but at times may not wish to be with him for another day. You seem to wonder whether you should or even can end this affair. But if you were truly happy, you would be writing love letters instead of SOS e-mails.
Stop deceiving yourself — try as you might to preserve it, the affair, like everything else, will end one way or the other. And when it does, there will be plenty of emotional pain to go round, as you point out. Definitely his, definitely hers, and definitely yours. What you don’t directly say in your letter is that the violation of your own morals is already causing you anguish, so it’s too late to prevent pain. What you still have a choice about is how bad the pain will be. (Hint — the longer the affair goes on, the worse it will hurt when it ends.)
The kicker about affairs is that they are based on deception and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he can lie to his wife, he can lie to you. And if you can deceive others, you can deceive yourself.
So take a deep breath, face the answer you knew before you wrote your letter, and take your chances with real love. It won’t last forever, but if you’re lucky it will last a lifetime.
David Marcus, Ph.D., of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre.
Carrie